Grand Theft Auto IV may very well be the greatest game ever. I have never been a fan of the GTA series, but judging from reviews, it seems pretty damn amazing.
But this amazing? What follows are some (ridiculous) blurbs from reviews about the game and ones I have made up. See if you can tell insane hyperbole from made up hyperbole!
A) "The very nature of the American Dream is the central theme in Rockstar Games' Grand Theft Auto IV, a gaming masterpiece that is a picture-perfect snapshot of the underworld of today's big cities."
B) "GTA IV is the epitome of gaming bliss - it's sprawling city vistas, gritty underworld realism and wanton violence all mesh together to create a game as close to perfection as we may ever see."
C) "But perhaps the biggest innovation is the notion that you can create a game that's as valid a piece of art as any book or movie. Is this our "Citizen Kane" moment?"
D) "I now know how film critics felt after screening 'The Godfather.'"
E) "I literally pooped my pants in delight."
F) "It's been days since Grand Theft Auto IV's credits rolled, yet I can't seem to construct a coherent thought without my mind wandering off into a daydream about the game. I just want to drop everything in my life so I can play it again. Experience it again. Live it again ... Grand Theft Auto IV doesn't just raise the bar for the storied franchise; it completely changes the landscape of gaming."
G) "Grand Theft Auto IV will take your money, ruin your marriage, smack your kids in the face, all just for laughs. This is a game that is more than a game - it's a way of life. Say goodbye to life as you know it, GTA IV is here."
H) "... is what makes GTA IV the best openworld game yet, and why it will take something miraculous to rob it of game of the year status."
I) "We all knew GTA 4 would be a great game and sell millions of copies, but I didn't expect it to shame pretty much every other game I've played this generation."
J) "Heard of Bioshock? GTA IV kicks that game in the balls. Orange Box? Fuck that shit. Super Mario Galaxy? More like Super Mario GAYlaxy. Remember the wheel? This game puts that invention to shame. Fire? Give me a fucking break. GTA IV is the toughest, most badass, mind-exploding thing ever conceived by humankind. You don't play GTA IV - it plays you. Calendars will now go by pre-GTA IV and post-GTA IV. Welcome to year one."
Answers:
A) real, Gamespy
B) fake
C) real, Team Xbox
D) real, Game Informer
E) fake
F) surprisingly real, Game Informer again
G) fake
H) real, EuroGamer
I) real, VideoGamer
J) real, my review
Monday, April 28, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Fukudome has communicable disease, walkitis spreads among Cubs players
When an article opens with a joke about Moneyball, you know it's going to be good. Peter Bernstein recently wrote a piece for ESPN The Magazine about the Cubs and walking. Despite flattering a Moneyball-type player, the article is full of silliness.
He surmises that the arrival of Kosuke Fukudome has magically made the Cubs first in OBP and third in walks. Did I mention it's like twenty games into the season?
I am pretty sure Fukudome would have to walk like 300 times to negate Juan Pierre's existence on the team.
Now, the Cubs are third in walks, first in OBP, first in the standings, and a game short of the best record in baseball.
How much can be attributed to the arrival of Kosuke Fukodome?
I don't know - none would be my first guess though. Well not none, but unless he has something like over 50 percent of the teams walks (to date he has 17/94 or 5.5%), I would say not that much.
Probably a lot.
OK. Probably not but let's hear the explanation.
Fukodome leads the team in walks with 16 and leads the league in pitches per plate appearance.
Fine and dandy. The guy seems like a good player.
He is a human souvenir machine. His style rubs off.
What? What in God's name is a souvenir machine? Is Ryan Theriot a soda machine? A quick Google search of "souvenir machine" comes up with a lot of results about those machines that flatten pennies with the state bird of Wyoming or something. Maybe flattened pennies are really patient at the plate.
And his style rubbing off? I know what you're trying to say Bernstein - that Fukudome's play style is successful and other Cubs may learn from it - but here's what image your sentence conjures up:
Derek Lee: "Hey Alfonso, did you see Kos-dog's new hat? That feather is pretty boss."
Soriano: "Totally agree. I loved his corduroy pants he was wearing the other day. That guys style is really rubbing off on me."
Lee: "He also made me a really neat flattened penny with the Georgia state seal on it for $1.25 the other day."
Soriano: "Awesome. That guy is a souvenir machine!"
Aramis Ramirez, whose career high in walks is all of 50 is on pace for 104.
I can assure you this is no fault of Ramirez. Nope. Fukudome, simply by walking a lot himself, has spread his influenza-like ability to walk to his teammates.
May I also request the removal of the phrase "on pace for ..." from the hacky sports writer pantheon? Micheal Bourn is on pace to steal over 90 bases, Pat "The Bat" Burrell is on pace for 60+ home runs and Xavier Nady is on pace to drive in 120 runs. I guarantee that not one of those things will happen. None of that stuff matters because we are 1/8 of the way through the season.
Geovany Soto is on the same pace, and hopes to someday walk in a t-ball game.
What. The. Hell. Walk in a t-ball game? Would that be the epitome of walkdom? How about "hopes to walk in the game winning run someday?" And does he really hope that? Did you ask him?
But the circle is not yet complete. Soon Alfonso Soriano returns. He appears destined for the lead-off spot, from which he registered all of 31 walks last season.
Maybe he got his flu shots.
Perhaps Sweet Lou will move Fonzie down in the line-up, where he can drive in his suddenly walk-addicted teammates.
*in a dark alley behind Wrigley*
Lee: "Hey man, you got the stuff?"
Fukudome: "Yeah. You got the money?"
Lee: "..."
Fukudome: "Sorry buddy, no money no walks."
Lee: "But I need it! I just have to get through today. I'll do anything!"
Fukudome: "Anything...?"
He surmises that the arrival of Kosuke Fukudome has magically made the Cubs first in OBP and third in walks. Did I mention it's like twenty games into the season?
I am pretty sure Fukudome would have to walk like 300 times to negate Juan Pierre's existence on the team.
Now, the Cubs are third in walks, first in OBP, first in the standings, and a game short of the best record in baseball.
How much can be attributed to the arrival of Kosuke Fukodome?
I don't know - none would be my first guess though. Well not none, but unless he has something like over 50 percent of the teams walks (to date he has 17/94 or 5.5%), I would say not that much.
Probably a lot.
OK. Probably not but let's hear the explanation.
Fukodome leads the team in walks with 16 and leads the league in pitches per plate appearance.
Fine and dandy. The guy seems like a good player.
He is a human souvenir machine. His style rubs off.
What? What in God's name is a souvenir machine? Is Ryan Theriot a soda machine? A quick Google search of "souvenir machine" comes up with a lot of results about those machines that flatten pennies with the state bird of Wyoming or something. Maybe flattened pennies are really patient at the plate.
And his style rubbing off? I know what you're trying to say Bernstein - that Fukudome's play style is successful and other Cubs may learn from it - but here's what image your sentence conjures up:
Derek Lee: "Hey Alfonso, did you see Kos-dog's new hat? That feather is pretty boss."
Soriano: "Totally agree. I loved his corduroy pants he was wearing the other day. That guys style is really rubbing off on me."
Lee: "He also made me a really neat flattened penny with the Georgia state seal on it for $1.25 the other day."
Soriano: "Awesome. That guy is a souvenir machine!"
Aramis Ramirez, whose career high in walks is all of 50 is on pace for 104.
I can assure you this is no fault of Ramirez. Nope. Fukudome, simply by walking a lot himself, has spread his influenza-like ability to walk to his teammates.
May I also request the removal of the phrase "on pace for ..." from the hacky sports writer pantheon? Micheal Bourn is on pace to steal over 90 bases, Pat "The Bat" Burrell is on pace for 60+ home runs and Xavier Nady is on pace to drive in 120 runs. I guarantee that not one of those things will happen. None of that stuff matters because we are 1/8 of the way through the season.
Geovany Soto is on the same pace, and hopes to someday walk in a t-ball game.
What. The. Hell. Walk in a t-ball game? Would that be the epitome of walkdom? How about "hopes to walk in the game winning run someday?" And does he really hope that? Did you ask him?
But the circle is not yet complete. Soon Alfonso Soriano returns. He appears destined for the lead-off spot, from which he registered all of 31 walks last season.
Maybe he got his flu shots.
Perhaps Sweet Lou will move Fonzie down in the line-up, where he can drive in his suddenly walk-addicted teammates.
*in a dark alley behind Wrigley*
Lee: "Hey man, you got the stuff?"
Fukudome: "Yeah. You got the money?"
Lee: "..."
Fukudome: "Sorry buddy, no money no walks."
Lee: "But I need it! I just have to get through today. I'll do anything!"
Fukudome: "Anything...?"
Friday, April 11, 2008
A look back at the 2006 NFL draft
This may be digging up history, but the 2006 NFL draft was one of the most criticized in recent memory. No one knew where the three prizes of the draft: DE Mario Williams, RB Reggie Bush and QB Vince Young were going to go. And when they finally did go, some front offices (*cough Houston cough*) were ripped for the decision.
After Williams was selected first by Houston, Bush second by New Orleans and Young third by Tennessee, the analysis came. Houston was blasted for not taking Bush - the "next Barry Sanders." The Saints came away with a smile on their face, thinking they had stolen a top pick at number two. The Titans were convinced that Young was their guy, fresh off his stunning Rose Bowl win against Bush and Matt Leinart's USC Trojans.
After two full seasons, it turns out most people were wrong.
After the 2006 season, it seemed as though critics were right in their remarks about Houston's poor choice in Williams. Bush was an important multi-talented back in the Saints playoff run and Young energized a bad Titans squad - running and gunning his way to the Pro Bowl. Meanwhile, Williams was struggling in Texas, logging only 4.5 sacks and toiling in the cellar.
It seemed as though Houston missed an opportunity to draft a hometown hero (Young) who would ride in on a white horse and bring football glory back to Houston again. The Texans also opted not to take the all-around best player in college (Bush), who was destined for the Hall of Fame before playing a game.
By the end of 2007, all was forgiven. Houston got it right.
Although it is difficult to compare players at different positions, if you ask the Texans front office if they would draft Williams again, I am sure they would say "absolutely." Let's look at Williams two seasons:
18.5 sacks/78 tackles/5 passes defended/3 forced fumbles/1 touchdown
Fourteen of those sacks came last season. The fact is, Williams has gotten better since his rookie campaign, something that cannot be said for Bush/Young.
Bush: 2533 all-purpose yards/15 touchdowns/10 fumbles (both lost and recovered)
Young: 4745 yards passing/947 yards rushing/31 touchdowns/22 fumbles/30 interceptions
In Young's Pro Bowl season he had 19 total TDs, 13 INTs and 12 FUM (lost and recovered). He also completed 51.5% of his passes for 2199 yards.
Vince Young stinks as a quarterback. He does. Don't give me the "he's a winner. He's a playmaker" nonsense. You know who else was? Mike Vick. And dog fighting aside, he was on his way to being a crappy WR for Atlanta - not the next Randall Cunningham. VY is a slower, weaker armed version of Vick. He will struggle to complete over 55% of his passes and his TD/INT ratio will always be about even (including rushing TDs).
Will he win a couple of games running around? Sure. Will he have games of 42 yards passing or 3 INTs? Yes, he has already. Do I want him running my offense? No way.
Young had four games out of 16 last season in which he threw for over 200 yards. Kerry freakin Collins played better than Young at QB for the Titans. And that running quarterback tag? He only rushed for over 50 yards twice. Young may be one of the most exciting college QBs ever, but two years in the NFL have shown he won't be able to translate that success to the pros.
Coming out of USC, Bush had all the tools to be the next big thing at running back. Speed, quick cuts, catching the ball out of the backfield, explosive return game and the ability to turn a two yard swing pass into an 80 yard TD.
But as New Orleans will soon figure out, Bush will never be a feature back in the NFL. First of all, he is not durable. Bush appeared in 12 games in 2007, starting in 10 of those. Carrying the load for the Saints, he crumbled. Bush averaged 83.6 total yards per game in 2007 and has averaged 82.3 yards per game in his young career.
Bush is a valuable back in today's NFL. Teams need two solid backs to compete and Bush can be the change of pace back - one who can catch the ball and make some big plays in the kicking game. There is no way he is the next Barry Sanders (who scored more rushing TDs in his rookie year than Bush has total TDs in his two seasons combined) or worthy of the number two pick.
That leaves us with Williams, the number one pick of 2006. Fan bases generally hate when teams draft defensive players or offensive linemen - they're boring and it doesn't seem like they will help as much as a QB or WR. Drafting one with the number one pick? Unforgivable. But Williams has done more good for the Houston franchise on the field than Bush or Young ever could have.
Let's look at another high drafted DE who turned out alright - Julius Peppers:
19 sacks in 28 games/9 passes defended/8 forced fumbles/68 tackles
Williams' line compares very favorably with Peppers':
18.5 sacks in 32 games/5 passes defended/3 forced fumbles/78 tackles
Similar sacks and tackles, with less PDs and FFs. Williams doesn't have the freakish athleticism Peppers does, but few players do. And Peppers is a 2-time first team all-pro, so he's pretty damn good - one of the best D-linemen in the league. If Williams is 3/4 as good as Peppers, taking him number one will be worth it.
The saying goes that it takes five years to analyze an NFL draft class. After two years, it's clear that Houston made the right decision to go with Williams. Young and Bush won't be busts, but they won't justify their draft positions as much as Williams will.
Mario Williams may have not been the popular pick, but he was the safe and correct one. I'll take the next Julius Peppers over the next Mike Vick or the next Ronnie Brown any day.
And Super Mario may be the greatest/geekiest nickname ever. That counts for something.
After Williams was selected first by Houston, Bush second by New Orleans and Young third by Tennessee, the analysis came. Houston was blasted for not taking Bush - the "next Barry Sanders." The Saints came away with a smile on their face, thinking they had stolen a top pick at number two. The Titans were convinced that Young was their guy, fresh off his stunning Rose Bowl win against Bush and Matt Leinart's USC Trojans.
After two full seasons, it turns out most people were wrong.
After the 2006 season, it seemed as though critics were right in their remarks about Houston's poor choice in Williams. Bush was an important multi-talented back in the Saints playoff run and Young energized a bad Titans squad - running and gunning his way to the Pro Bowl. Meanwhile, Williams was struggling in Texas, logging only 4.5 sacks and toiling in the cellar.
It seemed as though Houston missed an opportunity to draft a hometown hero (Young) who would ride in on a white horse and bring football glory back to Houston again. The Texans also opted not to take the all-around best player in college (Bush), who was destined for the Hall of Fame before playing a game.
By the end of 2007, all was forgiven. Houston got it right.
Although it is difficult to compare players at different positions, if you ask the Texans front office if they would draft Williams again, I am sure they would say "absolutely." Let's look at Williams two seasons:
18.5 sacks/78 tackles/5 passes defended/3 forced fumbles/1 touchdown
Fourteen of those sacks came last season. The fact is, Williams has gotten better since his rookie campaign, something that cannot be said for Bush/Young.
Bush: 2533 all-purpose yards/15 touchdowns/10 fumbles (both lost and recovered)
Young: 4745 yards passing/947 yards rushing/31 touchdowns/22 fumbles/30 interceptions
In Young's Pro Bowl season he had 19 total TDs, 13 INTs and 12 FUM (lost and recovered). He also completed 51.5% of his passes for 2199 yards.
Vince Young stinks as a quarterback. He does. Don't give me the "he's a winner. He's a playmaker" nonsense. You know who else was? Mike Vick. And dog fighting aside, he was on his way to being a crappy WR for Atlanta - not the next Randall Cunningham. VY is a slower, weaker armed version of Vick. He will struggle to complete over 55% of his passes and his TD/INT ratio will always be about even (including rushing TDs).
Will he win a couple of games running around? Sure. Will he have games of 42 yards passing or 3 INTs? Yes, he has already. Do I want him running my offense? No way.
Young had four games out of 16 last season in which he threw for over 200 yards. Kerry freakin Collins played better than Young at QB for the Titans. And that running quarterback tag? He only rushed for over 50 yards twice. Young may be one of the most exciting college QBs ever, but two years in the NFL have shown he won't be able to translate that success to the pros.
****************
Coming out of USC, Bush had all the tools to be the next big thing at running back. Speed, quick cuts, catching the ball out of the backfield, explosive return game and the ability to turn a two yard swing pass into an 80 yard TD.
But as New Orleans will soon figure out, Bush will never be a feature back in the NFL. First of all, he is not durable. Bush appeared in 12 games in 2007, starting in 10 of those. Carrying the load for the Saints, he crumbled. Bush averaged 83.6 total yards per game in 2007 and has averaged 82.3 yards per game in his young career.
Bush is a valuable back in today's NFL. Teams need two solid backs to compete and Bush can be the change of pace back - one who can catch the ball and make some big plays in the kicking game. There is no way he is the next Barry Sanders (who scored more rushing TDs in his rookie year than Bush has total TDs in his two seasons combined) or worthy of the number two pick.
That leaves us with Williams, the number one pick of 2006. Fan bases generally hate when teams draft defensive players or offensive linemen - they're boring and it doesn't seem like they will help as much as a QB or WR. Drafting one with the number one pick? Unforgivable. But Williams has done more good for the Houston franchise on the field than Bush or Young ever could have.
Let's look at another high drafted DE who turned out alright - Julius Peppers:
19 sacks in 28 games/9 passes defended/8 forced fumbles/68 tackles
Williams' line compares very favorably with Peppers':
18.5 sacks in 32 games/5 passes defended/3 forced fumbles/78 tackles
Similar sacks and tackles, with less PDs and FFs. Williams doesn't have the freakish athleticism Peppers does, but few players do. And Peppers is a 2-time first team all-pro, so he's pretty damn good - one of the best D-linemen in the league. If Williams is 3/4 as good as Peppers, taking him number one will be worth it.
The saying goes that it takes five years to analyze an NFL draft class. After two years, it's clear that Houston made the right decision to go with Williams. Young and Bush won't be busts, but they won't justify their draft positions as much as Williams will.
Mario Williams may have not been the popular pick, but he was the safe and correct one. I'll take the next Julius Peppers over the next Mike Vick or the next Ronnie Brown any day.
And Super Mario may be the greatest/geekiest nickname ever. That counts for something.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Overheard watching Around the Horn
"Vick probably has better receivers in jail than he did in Atlanta."
-Jay Mariotti
Do I even need to say anything?
-Jay Mariotti
Do I even need to say anything?
Friday, April 04, 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)