Frank Deford's article rips the time space continuum

Go read this if you're bored. It is amazingly crazy. I thought about responding but I have no idea where to start.

There's a lead about alchemy and the word "hippopotamus." There's...that's actually what the whole thing is about. I have read it three times and still have no idea what's going on. Don't think about 1908? Doesn't the existence of this article.......... *head explodes*

Lack of sports nuts? I don't think so

In his most recent “Sticky Wickets” entry, Popmatters.com writer Robert Collins explains how he will miss the now deceased Bobby Fischer’s crazy antics. He goes into detail how sports stars don’t have enough personality and how “a little craziness would go a long way.”

With all due respect Mr. Collins – are you serious?

I understand the point of the article – sports stars aren’t what they used to be. Gun toting, binge-drinking, womanizing buffoons who would fight fans and curse at journalists, but times have changed. Ty Cobb can’t go in the stands and beat on a guy with one arm anymore. Babe Ruth can't drink a brew during his home run trot.

Also, not to question Collins’ sports fandom, but there are a ton of crazy sports stars active right now – their stories are often simply buried to keep our games “pure.” Maybe they aren’t anti-Semites like Fischer, but many of them are pretty batty.

Exhibit A: Gilbert Arenas. The guy not only gets credit for launching the first huge sports star blog – a stream of consciousness wonder that deals with everything from basketball to Halo, but he is also fond of absurd nicknames, blasting front offices and commenting of the state of the league he plays in.

Blog aside, the man has hilarious nicknames like “Hibachi” and “Agent Zero” (which is on of the best nicks ever, by the way) and a pension for ridiculous in-game antics. He draped his jersey on the court after hitting a game winner. He has made bets with fans about hitting shots. He’s said he could score 80 against Duke. All this and a thousand other wacky stories and anecdotes have come from the brain of Arenas. He’s the crown prince of crazy in sports today.

An obvious pair of crazy is the tandem of Chad Johnson and Terrell Owens. The latter may or may not have tried to kill himself with pills, did sit-ups in his driveway in front the media and strained a shoulder throwing various ex-teammates under the bus. The former is one of the few remaining entertaining TD dancers – proposing to a cheerleader, wearing a Hall of Fame jacket, giving the football CPR and controlling a TV camera, among many others.

Have you seen a post game interview with Clinton Portis? He wears what looks like cheap Halloween costumes and gives himself alter-egos with kooky names. By all accounts, he’s pretty nuts.

One of the most horrible scenes in sports revolved around King Crazy himself, Ron Artest - the Malice at the Palace. Artest went into the crowd and punched a fan who may or may not have thrown a cup of beer at him while he was laying on the scorers table. Artest’s boxing buddy, Stephen Jackson is also insane. Jackson’s craziness can be understood simply by looking at his tattoo.

How about the quote machine that is Ichiro Suzuki? Maybe it’s his interpreter having a blast, but the man has been a fountain of absurd quotes – from hating Cleveland to loving ice cream – Ichiro is pretty crazy.

Want some more violence in your crazy? Ever heard of Delmon Young? Or Elijah Dukes? Young threw a bat at a minor league ump and Dukes has some serious problems with the opposite sex.

Staying with MLB, Carl Everett doesn’t believe in dinosaurs, spit on an ump and has blown up more times than anyone can count. Manny Ramirez is still playing. He’s gone into the Green Monster to pee during games, makes odd/lazy plays in the outfield, tried to sell a grill online and will have the best Hall of Fame speech ever.

There are a lot of absolutely, positively insane sports stars playing right now. Most of them at a high level too. I haven't even mentioned Pacman Jones, the Minnesota Viking's party boat, Allen Iverson and a score of others. Although it’s a tall order to pass the delusional Fischer, I think we’re in a pretty good place in terms of sports crazies.

I would advise you, Mr. Collins to take a look over at Deadspin.com and other sports blogs for you dose of sports craziness. I’ve only touched on the stars who are crazy, and this is merely the tip of the iceberg.

Easterbrook, further down the spiral of insanity

If New England wins, the Patriots will not be the greatest team ever -- at least conditionally, until such time as the NFL reveals what was in the Patriots' cheating videos and documents that the league destroyed in September.

If the Patriots go undefeated (not losing a single freaking game) they will be the best team ever. The only other argument would be for the ’72 Dolphins and they only played 17 games and like three of those were against good teams.

Most of the sports media have rolled over and played dead on the New England destroyed-tapes story; TMQ reminds you of the specifics here.

How about talking about Harrison’s HGH suspension? Oh that’s right, he served his suspension. And the Patriots were fined half a million and a first rounder.

Let’s take a look at your conspiracy theory laden rant.

My favorite line: And if you're tempted to say, "Gregg, at worst this is just cheating in some dumb football games," here's why the affair matters: If a big American institution such as the NFL is not being honest with the public about a subject as minor, in the scheme of things, as the Super Bowl, how can we expect American government and business to be honest with the public about what really matters?

This theory, to recap: NFL “lies” about Patriots “cheating” = US Government lying about anything.

That is unbelievably insane. And frankly, I am a little worried about Gregg. The NFL, as far as I know, is in no way affiliated with the US Government. I doubt they meet over lunch and talk about “lying to the public techniques” or something.

This is similar to saying if Billy cheats on his elementary school spelling test, than the government is putting mind control nano-bug technology in our food.

Until we know what was on the videotapes and in the documents the NFL destroyed, there will always be a cloud of suspicion over the Patriots.

I am pretty positive that the Patriots were punished, harshly, and could not have cheated for the past 17 games. And honestly, I doubt that stealing signals had much to do with the ass-whooping the Jets got in week one, but that’s just me.

Do you know why everyone has “rolled over and played dead” on this? Because it’s done with. They were fined, draft pick taken from them and columns like yours were written for weeks questioning the entire history of the team.

How much of an advantage did they gain by cheating? Did they really hand over everything to the league?

No, they kept the super-secret pen-sized spy cameras, shoe phones, dental floss that’s actually piano wire and fake moustaches, just in case.

Are they still cheating now?

Ever since the end of week one all eyes were on the Patriots in the wake of this scandal. There is no way they are dumb enough to keep cheating with a thousand times as many people looking on.

Most important by far, have they cheated in the Super Bowl?

I don’t know, watch the tapes and look for Lee Harvey Oswald on the sidelines. Goodell probably edited him out though.

No matter how well New England plays Sunday, every victory the team earned this season -- and perhaps victories in previous seasons, too -- is tainted until such time when we learn what was in the material the league destroyed.

Remember when they went to the Super Bowl in ’85? Asterisk. They cheated, stole signs from the Bears. Flutie’s dropkick? Stole that signal. Three Super Bowls, where media coverage reaches Britney Spears-like intensity and it would be nigh-impossible to have spy cameras all over the place? Rescinded.

And all you sportscasters and sportswriters

Assholes.

who will spend this week gushing over the Super Bowl, it would be nice if a few of you mentioned that, a mere four months ago, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell found the Patriots guilty of "a calculated and deliberate attempt to avoid long-standing rules designed to encourage fair play and promote honest competition."

How about I mention that you, Gregg Easterbrook, were scolded by ESPN ombudsman Le Anne Scheiber for your crazy, off-base rantings?

“In manufacturing extended false analogies between Richard Nixon's Watergate and Bill Belichick's tapegate, as if stonewalling to the press is the same as stonewalling to congressional investigators, as if violating a league rule is the same as violating federal law…”

Oops.

Two billion people will watch the Super Bowl; almost all of America's children and teens will watch the Super Bowl. If the bottom line of the event is "It's fine to cheat, you'll get away with it," what message does that send?

Think of the children, NFL! Forget the beer ads and commercials with suggestive themes and large-chested women (many of whom are prominently featured in your TMQ column). Those damn filthy, cheating Patriots are playing. Children may grow up to steal signals on sidelines in pee-wee football and be fined half a million cookies and first pick of the swings at recess!

I understand that you, Gregg Easterbrook, are a bastion of truth and honesty, but this is a little over the top, even for you.

And let’s never forget:

“Disney's CEO, Michael Eisner, is Jewish; the chief of Miramax, Harvey Weinstein, is Jewish. Yes, there are plenty of Christian and other Hollywood executives who worship money above all else, promoting for profit the adulation of violence. Does that make it right for Jewish executives to worship money above all else, by promoting for profit the adulation of violence? Recent European history alone ought to cause Jewish executives to experience second thoughts about glorifying the killing of the helpless as a fun lifestyle choice.”