Teams that are better than the 10-6 Giants coming into '08: None, according to fools

Ahh football season. Just when baseball is wearing out it's welcome, it comes along to stem the boredom and boost post numbers with awful writing.

Cold Hard Football Facts is quickly becoming my favorite site. Not because it's good or anything, but because it's so damn fun to read what drivel they espouse as fact.

CHFF boasts the most accurate power rankings on the web.

Differ, I beg to do it.

1. NEW YORK GIANTS (14-6)

Oh God, it begins already.

Look, the Giants won the Super Bowl. Hooray! Making them number one for the last power rankings of '07: fine. But look just at the record. 14-6. They were 10-6 pre-playoffs. 10-6. 10-6. 10-6. I can't type that enough.

The Redskins - a team in their division - were 9-7, one lousy game worse than the Giants. If that 17-24 loss versus the G-men in week three goes the other way, hey, maybe the Skins win the Super Bowl at 10-6 and are the best team in football come the 2008 season.

Nope, number 15. One game. Eight points.

But wait, there's more!

2007 vs. quality opponents (including playoffs): 5-5

5-5. Winning percentage of .500 against quality opponents. The Patriots were 9-1 against quality opponents. And they lost one fucking game all season. Number two team. Sorry biggest margin of victory in points per game, only team in the modern era to go 16-0 and lost the Super Bowl on a string of insane plays.

Giants are better.

Last year’s highlight: Fought hard in Tampa on wild-card weekend, but just fell short against the favored Bucs and bowed out of the postseason early … oh no, wait, they won the goddamn Super Bowl!!!

Let me hypothesize for a moment.

There are two teams, the Blue Pork Mayans and the Glue Engrid Smyrniots. The Mayans barely squeak into the playoffs and win a bunch of playoff games (barely) on the road to the Super Bowl.

The Smyrniots were one of the top one best teams ever to play a regular season of football. They outscored opponents by a record 19.7 points/game in the regular season and finished 16-0, going to 18-0 before the Super Bowl...

OK, I'll stop this "hypothesis," this fucking happened. The fact that the Patriots are not number one is a joke - an unfunny one at that.

6. Green Bay Packers

They do know Favre is gone, right?

The moment Rodgers throws an INT - nay, the moment he doesn't throw a TD while driving a pickup, wearing blue jeans and waving the American flag, he will be booed relentlessly. Call me crazy, but I don't see them as a "Dominant Dozen" (CHFF's awesome tier system. The only other tier? "The fucking rest." Seriously, it's the "Tepid Twenty.") team.

Cold, Hard Football Facts: Why all the white noise surrounding Brett Favre? Consider this: The Packers reached the playoffs 11 times and suffered only one losing season in his 16 years at the helm. In the 16 years before Favre arrived, the Packers reached the playoffs just once and enjoyed only three WINNING seasons.

So without him number six team in the NFL? Got it.

RE: The dude who writes the MSN baseball power rankings

Link that tricked me: "Is Tampa Bay baseball's best team?"

Me: No.

Rankings: Rays 1, Sox 2, Cubs 3.

RS/RA differential ranks:
Cubs +94
White Sox +87
Red Sox/Phillies +72
A's +59
Rays +56

My use of colons: excessive.

American Blogiators: Season Two power rankings #2

Crush - 1
She keeps getting the Joust love and her domination continues. She's now six-for-six in that event with six KOs. Skytrack is proving itself to be a useless endeavor for the mortals (Gladiators are 11-for-12 with only 10 points allowed) so her results (two-for-two, no points) can essentially be ignored. The new event, Snapback, looks to be very difficult, so Crush's eight allowed in her first try there holds little water. She now leads AGs with 13 appearances.

Venom - 2
While getting little burn over the past few episodes, Venom is still doing fine. She simply added two Skytrack KOs to her solid numbers.

Justice - 3
Justice continues to prove he's one of the top male Gladiators. While not dominating, he added two KOs on Joust in two tries and eight points in two appearances in Assault. Snapback is hard and he let his human score eight points. This was a lean weak and it didn't seem like anyone wanted to take the third spot from Justice.

Titan - 4
One of the biggest risers this week, Titan moved up two spots on the strength of his Joust performances. Now four-for-four with four pretty nasty KOs, Titan is the slightly more manly Crush. But he also added a solid showing in Snapback, allowing only four points. Note: The episode where he "hulked out" was some ridiculous product placement.

Phoenix - 5
Phoenix is showing she isn't just a one-trick pony. Two-for-two on Hang Tough and perfect on one each Pyramid, Wall and Skytrack attempts has her tied for the biggest jump up in the rankings.

Wolf - 6
The darling of AG, Wolf did just enough to only move down one spot. He mirrored his previous Hang Tough stats (2APP/5PA/1KO), added a Skytrack KO and a mediocre Earthquake showing (2APP/1KO/1TKO).

Militia - 7
After being completely pedestrian in last edition of the rankings, Militia has added two Wall KOs and another Skytrack KO to his resume. That mocking dance he did after dominating a guy on Wall shows that maybe he's not so boring after all...

Rocket - 8
Taking the biggest dive in the rankings (four spots) Rocket is a complete one-hit wonder. He got absolutely beasted on Veritgo (15 points allowed in two tries) and is losing his Wall spots to Zen. That's embarassing.

Hellga - 9
Hellga ranks second in appearances among AGs and I am starting to feel bad for her. The producers keep trying to foster her success (invention of Snapback much?) and she just can't do it. She has six Assault showings, allowing 21 points with three kills. That's not bad, but it's not great. She did fine on Snapback, allowing four points, but didn't do well on the event that she should perform very well in - Tilt (2APP/1KO/1TKO/10PA).

Toa - 10
My favorite stereotype on the show, Toa managed to move up one spot with a hold on Pyramid and a meh Tilt performance (2APP/1KO/1TKO/10PA). Goes to show you how little he had to do to move up.

Zen - 11
Zen is quickly becoming one of my least favorite Gladiators. The three-for-three Wall score is fine (despite one of those being an idiot simply falling when he was inches from winning) but he's the only AG to lose on Skytrack. That'll get you near the bottom.

Jet - 12
Jet is pretty awful. She's allowed a whopping 15 points on Wall - only one other AG has more than zero points allowed. The two-for-two on Vertigo is alright and the one Skytrack KO is pointless. Uninspiring overall.

Hurricane - 13
The new roided-up emo singer, Hurricane only worked the rope on Tilt. He did do well, allowing five points with a KO in two tries. But that's it. He's one of the three new Gladiators who debuted since the last rankings so, merely by amount of appearances, they rank down here.

Steel - 14
A KO and a tie on Earthquake. Whatever.

Siren - 15
Burned on Wall for 10 points? Good to have you back Siren.

American Blogiators: season two power rankings #1

1) Crush
Last year's MVP is off to a great start. She's two-for-two on her event, Joust, with two vicious knockouts. Crush has two ties on Earthquake - a tough event - and one hold on Pyramid. Her KO in the seemingly unbalanced Skytrack (Gladiators are a ridiculous four-for-four with four KOs and no points allowed so far) barely adds to her case to be number one.

2) Venom
Tied with Crush for the AG lead in appearances (6), Venom is the second-best female gladiator and could challenge the much more one-dimensional Crush for best. The two Pyramid holds in two chances are her least impressive numbers. The perfect record on Wall (two-for-two, no points) and one KO with five points allowed on Hang Tough in two tries is very solid. In a Gladiator fantasy league, she's a three-category stud.

3) Justice
The most ridiculously proportioned Gladiator has been dominant on an event I don't think it should be physically possible for him to do - Hang Tough. Justice is two-for-two with no points allowed in the event not made for 7-foot, 300lb behemoths. If he keeps it up, could be the male version of Crush - a one event monster.

4) Rocket
If there were margin of victory in events, Rocket would be higher up. Last episode, he climbed a full length past the guy he was racing on Wall and taunted him for a while. If you're facing him on Wall, you better be comfortable swimming. I forecast that he goes something like 8 for 9 on Wall with five points allowed all season. If Rocket does anything in other events, he'll remain high in the rankings.

5) Wolf
Wolf has started off alright in season two, and he will get Hang Tough appearances. He's got two already, with on KO and five PA. Couple that with a KO on Wall and Skytrack (yawn) and Wolf may live up to his hype.

6) Titan
Continued face-smashery on Joust + one Pyramid hold + nothing else = number six.

7) Phoenix
One of the new female Gladiators, Phoenix intro'ed the new event Vertigo and summarily iced all-comers. It's unclear whether or not this event is fair or not, so Phoenix gets number seven. If it turns out she's just really, really good at it, then she could move up.

8) Hellga
Hellga and Wolf are the captains of underachieving Gladiators. For some reason (presumably because she can do little else) Hellga's game is Assault - and she's terrible. She hasn't been awful thus far, managing to stay dry. But in four shots, she has one KO and 16 PA - nothing impressive. Maybe intentionally, no one else has had a chance to shoot NERF balls at skittering math teachers and garbage men, so Hellga's numbers have no comparison. They're still bad.

9) Militia
How Militia managed to keep his job over Mayhem is a mystery to me. So far he has a Skytack KO. He barely even gets to espouse awesome military puns! Bland in every possible way. Militia really has gone AWOL (see, not so hard).

10) Zen
The mysterious (see: racist) Zen debuted last episode - to little fanfare. He did OK on Wall, getting the KO. But did nothing else and I guarantee he's not good at any strength game, a.k.a. all the cool ones. Thumbs down.

11) Toa
I think this is the fault of the rules more than Toa, but he's 0-for-2 on Earthquake with 20 points allowed. Now, both humans took him down, but they also fell in the drink. To me, that seems like a tie and they should only get five points. But I am not that judge from Dodgeball, so the "Islander who doesn't like tourists" is twelfth.

12) Jet
Gladiators are seven-for-eight on Wall with 10 points allowed. Guess who has allowed all ten and didn't get the one KO?

American Gladiator power rankings

There was quite a lot of movement at the top of the final rankings, including an all-female Gladiator top three. It is no surprise that Crush finished number one – her utter dominance on Joust all season long, in addition to solid numbers in other events, makes her an easy choice for number one.

As other Gladiators racked up appearances, Justice remained mostly stagnant, losing his runner-up status. Unlike Crush, I couldn’t keep Justice in the two spot based on his Assault numbers alone – they aren’t nearly as impressive as Crush’s Joust numbers.

Risers include Siren and Venom, both of whom made late season pushes into the upper tier of Gladiators. On the opposite end of the spectrum is Fury, who fell due to very little action and increasingly pedestrian numbers in the faces of Siren and Venom.

1. Crush (1)

Her last two episodes include two flawless Pyramid appearances and a knockout with a tie on Joust. Crush’s numbers for Joust are tops, and can only be challenged by Titan. She recorded five KOs in eight APP with three ties – never knocked out by an opponent. Throw in two perfect Pyramids and two ties on Earthquake and Crush had a near-perfect season.

2. Siren (5)

It’s impossible to ignore the late charge Siren made. In the first edition of the rankings, Siren ranked eight on the back of almost no action. Her 15 appearances are second only to Wolf’s 16. Her last two episode APP: two Wall, two Joust, one Pyramid and two Hang Tough. She shut out opponents on Hang Tough, going four-for-four with four KOs and no points allowed. Of Gladiators with at least four Hang Tough APP, not one of the other three allowed less than 20 points. With solid numbers on Wall (4 APP/20 PA/2 KO) and alright numbers on Assault and Joust, Siren proved to be one of the most versatile and consistent Gladiators.

3. Venom (3)

Venom, another late bloomer, had mixed results during her last two episodes. She had a KO on Wall (her AG leading third) but also allowed five points. She had a KO on Hang Tough, but also allowed the full ten to a competitor. Still, her season Wall numbers are insane – five APP, three KOs and a mere ten points allowed. In 20 Wall appearances, Gladiators have six knockouts - Venom has half of those. She is to Hang Tough what Crush is to Joust – truly dominating.

4. Justice (2)

This time, Justice was asked to defend his title as most dominant on Assault. One KO and a TKO with 11 total points allowed later, and Justice falls to number four. He is still allowing a spectacular 3.0 points/APP in Assault, but his near non-existence in other events (only four non-Assault APP out of 10 total) has brought him down. Notching a knockout and a tie on Hang Tough shows that Justice may not just be a one-trick pony, but we’ll have to wait until season two to find out.

5. Titan (6)

Speaking of one-trick ponies, Titan has seven total APP – six of them on Joust. Luckily, his numbers compare favorably to Crush in that event. He has five KOs and one TKO in those six APP. His KO/APP rate is higher than Crush’s, but the fact that he has been knocked out keeps him down. His 1.4 points/APP leads AG comfortably. If points were awarded for “quickest time in which a human was owned” on Joust, Titan would be much higher.

6. Fury (4)

At this point, Fury is riding her early-season reputation. She has zero APP in the past two episodes and her once solid nine APP, is now seventh. She deserves more time in Assault (2 KO, three PA in two APP) and has been good on the under-used Earthquake.

7. Toa (7)

Toa did enough to stand pat, logging a hold on Pyramid and allowing five points on Wall. His Wall numbers (4 APP/15 PA/1 KO) are still tops amongst male Gladiators, as he has the sole kill for his sex. Other than that, his completely average Pyramid numbers (2 APP/5 PA/1 H) combined with … nothing make Toa a below average Gladiator.

8. Wolf (8)

The argument can be made that Wolf’s terrible Wall numbers (3 APP/30 PA) were against the eventual winner and experienced rock climber, but that doesn’t make up for his Hang Tough shortcomings. In his primary event (an AG high nine APP) he’s allowed 45 points. Although his four Hang Tough knockouts lead AG, his 5.0 points/APP is slightly above Gladiator average (4.2/APP) in the event and is a disappointment from someone who’s done it that much.

9. Mayhem (10)

Mayhem has been M.I.A for a while now. His one APP in the past two episodes resulted in five points allowed on Pyramid. He is tied for ninth with three others in APP with six. Mayhem hasn’t shown he’s great at anything and is neck-and-neck with Militia for “worst male Gladiator.”

10. Militia (9)

Militia got smoked on Wall, to the tune of 15 points in two APP – his only appearances. His ten overall APP ties him for fifth with Justice. Militia’s 7.0 points/APP puts him eleventh overall, ahead of the lowly Stealth. Very lucky that Stealth and Hellga exist, or he’d by far be ranked last.

11. Hellga (11)

I’ll admit it – I really hate Hellga. I wanted to put her last, but Stealth’s total disappearance is something to behold. She choked, again, on the only event she’s asked to do – Assault. She seriously has zero APP across the board in other individual events.

Thirteen points allowed, on KO and one TKO in her most recent Assault attempt. Gladiators are allowing 4.3 points/Assault APP, Hellga is allowing 5.3 and her PA total (32) is more than Siren’s and Justice’s combined (31).

12. Stealth (12)

As far as I know, not even on the show anymore. I am surprised she is still in the credits. She had two APP the entire season and got smacked in both. If the girl who won doesn’t get her job (or however the producers are doing this) it is a crime.

Check back later in the week for season awards and final thoughts.

American Gladiator power rankings

Welcome to the second installment of the American Gladiator power rankings. With two more episodes down and two to go, things are getting interesting.

Gladiators are showing their strengths (Titan in Joust, Siren in Wall and Hang Tough) and weaknesses (Wolf on Wall, Hellga on Assault and Stealth in participation).

The number one and two spots simply flipped, but there were quite a few shakeups in the top six – including the freefall of a crowd favorite and the rise of Siren.

1. Crush (2)

While not doing much to justify being number one (two Joust APP with one KO and one opponent DQ), she was almost there anyway. Crush still hasn’t been knocked out in her signature event, and leads all AGs with four Joust knockouts.

2. Justice (1)

Justice was not asked to dominate in Assault again, so his numbers remain sterling. But he was bested on the Pyramid, allowing five points – just enough to lose the number one spot.

3. Venom (5)

Jumping up two spots is the ever-impressive Venom. Although only appearing in one event since the last rankings, her prowess on Wall allowed her leap-frog some underwhelming Gladiators. Her Wall line now stands at three APP, two KOs and five points allowed. Venom’s eight overall appearances in individual events are tied for third with four others.

4. Fury (3)

Fury almost didn’t deserve to move down in the rankings. She had two more Hang Tough showings and only allowed five points. Still one of the most versatile AGs, her nine overall appearances ranks second. At this point, more 3b. than actually fourth.

5. Siren (8)

Making the biggest leap in the standings, Siren racked up five appearances over two episodes and performed extremely well. Siren is now the only AG who is perfect on Hang Tough (two KOs in two APP, with no points allowed). Adding to the perfection, Siren tossed another shutout on Wall - her second so far. Every other AG with a Wall appearance has allowed points. The only thing keeping her down is a poor showing on Joust – one TKO and a DQ in two APP. If those Joust numbers were simply two ties, she’d be in the top three.

6. Titan (7)

Titan showed that he can indeed dominate on Joust. His lightning-quick double KO in two APP allowed him to move into the upper half.

7. Toa (6)

The Hawiian/Pacific Islander stereotype is still not getting a lot of burn in individual events, with only one Wall appearance over two episodes. He allowed five points in that one APP, dropping him a spot.

8. Wolf (4)

The biggest mover this week, Wolf had an awful two weeks. His 11 appearances leads AG, including a ridiculous seven on Hang Tough. Fury is second with a mere four. The more he appears on the rings, the worse Wolf performs. He has now allowed 35 points (5/APP) on Hang Tough with three KOs. And that 10 point whopping (his second) he received on Wall makes him the worst AG in that event. As much I love the over the top persona, Wolf is far from the best Gladiator.

9. Militia (11)

One of the most vanilla Gladiators did just enough to move up a few spots. He had one KO and one TKO on Earthquake – his AG-leading fourth quake appearance. If you are only asked to consistenly perform in one event (Crush in Joust, Wolf in Hang Tough), it’s inexcusable to perform poorly.

10. Mayhem (10)

An uneventful two weeks for Mayhem, who had one Pyramid APP, allowing five points. That would normally be enough to drop a spot or two, but he got some help from some truly terrible performances.

11. Hellga (9)

Quickly becoming one of the worst Gladiators, Hellga was asked only to stand there a shoot a Nerf gun at people – and couldn’t even do that well. In her third and fourth Assault appearances, Hellga allowed eight points for 19 total this season. If you’re going against Hellga in Assault, you can expect 4.75 points. That’s terrible.

12. Stealth (12)

I am not even sure she is on the show anymore. With zero appearances in two weeks, she should lose her spot to whoever wins the women’s side. Even that lady who sells toilet paper. Simply awful.

American Gladiator power rankings

Rankings are scored on six individual events. Therefore these do not include Gauntlet and Powerball, due to their difficulty/impossibility to keep score of. But in Hit and Run’s case, I just think it sucks. Stats like knock outs, points allowed, times knocked out and holds, among others, are used where appropriate. And yes, this may be the dorkiest thing ever.

Note: This does not include tonight’s (1/28) episode.

Update: Big thanks to Deadspin for linking this article. They're easily one of my favorite five or six satirical sports blogs around. Thanks again!

With five full episodes in the books, American Gladiators has made me remember why I loved the original show in the first place and watched a ton of it on ESPN Classic recently. It’s everything we love about sports: big hits, probable steroid use, ridiculous personalities, underdog stories and of course, jousting.

But who is the best Gladiator? Is it the unbridled manliness of Ted Nugent look-alike Wolf? What about the Hitler’s dreamboat, Titan? In honor of the cornball glory that is the new American Gladiators, here is the first installment of the American Gladiator Power Rankings.

1. Justice

While performing well in Pyramid (one for one with no points allowed), it is Justice’s insane Assault numbers that got him the number one ranking. He has three kills in four appearances - but even better is that miniscule seven points allowed, which is good for 1.75 points/appearance. Justice may be a one hit wonder right now, but his dominance has to be recognized.

2. Crush

Similar to Justice, Crush dominates one event – Joust, like none other. Arguably one of the more even events in terms of Gladiator/Human relations, Crush has obliterated opponents to the tune of three KOs and one tie in four appearances. Recording two ties in Earthquake probably cost Crush the number one spot, but it is still within striking distance.

3. Fury

While the previous two Gladiators dominate one event, Fury excels at many. Her Assault numbers are nuts (two KOs, three points allowed in two appearances) and her Earthquake numbers are tops (one KO, one tie in two APP). She also has a hold in one Pyramid appearance. What brought her down to three were her shortcomings in Hang Tough – 15 points allowed in two appearances, highest total among Gladiators. Also, only Venom has as many appearances as Fury’s seven.

4. Wolf

A combination of strong and quick, Wolf is the male version of Fury. He’s perfect in Pyramid (two for two, no points) and leads AG with two kills on Hang Tough - only one other Gladiator has even one. His big slip-up was allowing the full 10 on his lone Wall appearance. His 3.33 points/APP in Hang Tough is comfortably first in AG.

5. Venom

This one surprised me, as Venom is one of the less popular Gladiators. Her seven appearances tie her with Fury for first. Venom, like Fury, also doesn’t appear in any event more than twice. Her best event has been the Wall, with one KO and five PA in two appearances. Venom is also the only other AG with a knockout on Hang Tough. Her Joust numbers aren’t great (one KO, one time knocked out in two APP) but they’re serviceable.

6. Toa

Not making much of a splash in the individual events, Toa still managed to stay in the top half. He is skilled in the Wall, with one KO and only five points allowed in two appearances. His five points allowed in one Pyramid APP is nothing to write home about though.

7. Titan

This was my biggest shocker. Titan has the perfect AG persona, carrying the torch of Nitro as the face of the show. But he may be too big for his own good, only able to compete effectively in strength events. He dominated his one Pyramid APP, allowing no points. His Joust numbers are uninspiring for a person his size (one KO, one TKO in two APP). Since I doubt we’ll see him in Hang Tough or Wall, he has to dominate the events he does partake in.

8. Siren

When I first started this I didn’t have the most recent episode entered in yet. Siren had zero individual event appearances at that time and was ranked, I think seventh. She got her shots this week, and what a week it was. Knocked out in Assault and allowing an AG high 13 points. Not even the sole AG spotless Wall performance (one KO, with no points) can cover up that atrocious Assault game.

9. Hellga

Hellga is an even more limited Titan. She has zero speed to speak of and I can’t see her on Hang Tough, Pyramid or Wall. She’d probably be a monster in Joust or Earthquake, but she hasn’t had the chance yet. The one individual event she has done, Assault, was pretty bad. She got knocked out (one of three AGs so far) and allowed 11 points, good for second to last.

10. Mayhem

Mayhem has the dubious distinction of not one, but two disqualifications on Joust for stepping on his opponent’s platform. When I have to keep track of DQs just because of you, you know you’re going to be ranked low. Not to be outdone, he also is one of three AGs to get burned for the full 10 on Wall. His one Pyramid hold keeps him out of the bottom two.

11. Militia

Militia hasn’t done much of anything well, but not for lack of trying. While AGs like Siren and Hellga have been bad, at least they can hang their hats on not having a lot of appearances. No such luck for Militia. His six APP ties him with a host of others for second. He lost in his sole Hang Tough APP after an injury and has a TKO, one tie and one wedgie in two Earthquake stops. His hold on Pyramid is fine, but that Assault line (two APP, 11 points, one KO and one TKO) is ugly.

12. Stealth

Without a doubt the worst AG name ever and the worst Gladiator so far – Stealth has been pretty much invisible in these events. She is the only AG to allow her opponent to reach the top of the Pyramid, an event I feel heavily favors the Gladiators. I would be surprised if any competent Gladiator allows any more than one or two to reach the top this entire season. Stealth is also one of the three to allow the full 10 on Wall. Terrible start so far.