Saturday, November 03, 2007

Countdown to Armageddon

David versus Goliath. Satan vs. God. Schwarzenegger vs. The Predator. Mario vs. Bowser. All epic chapters in the struggle of good versus evil. You can now add 2007 Patriots v. Colts to that list.

This isn’t the game of the decade or century – this is the game of the millennium - probably of all time.

On one side there is Bill Belichick and his hoard of ruthless, bloodthirsty thugs hell-bent on obliterating all opposition that stands before them. Wrongfully accused of cheating by the NFL, Kaiser Belichick has commanded his troops to take no prisoners on their path to vengeance.

Tom Brady – the Darth Vader to Belichick’s Emperor Palpatine – has eviscerated opponents to the tune of 30 touchdowns to 2 interceptions over his first games and is on pace to re-write the record books in his opponents blood. Almost all his touchdown passes have come with opponents already conceding defeat, often down by 30 or more points in the third or fourth periods.

Aiding Brady and Belichick on their quest to shame the game of football and the institution of the NFL is their new receiving corps. Made up of “to the highest bidder” mercenaries (many of whom have criminal records), this group’s only loyalty lies in their desire to see their enemies' will broken and bodies' beaten down.

Randy “Baby Eater” Moss has caught 11 touchdowns, all the while constantly trash talking opposing defenses, dogging it on plays that aren’t centered on him and doing inappropriate end-zone celebrations – much to the delight of the classless Belichick. Wes “White Supremacy” Welker has six TD’s on the season and is currently under investigation by the FBI for possible ties to international terrorism. Donte “Spits-In-Your-Face” Stallworth has three touchdown catches this season – with his longest catch going for the completely inappropriate 69 yards.

Playing the Spartans to Belichick’s Persian Army are the pure and darling Indianapolis Colts. Tony Dungy has compiled a happy-go-lucky cast of God-fearing gentlemen who just “want to play the game the way it was meant to be played.” Defending Super Bowl champs, the Colts have quietly gone about their business this season - often kneeling three times and punting once they take leads of more than six points. Known to shake the hands of each and every member of the opposing organization (including ball boys, camera men, owners and cheerleaders) after victories, the Colts are without a doubt the classiest team to ever play professional sports.

The team’s leader, Peyton Manning, came from humble beginnings. Selected in the sixth round with the 199th pick in the NFL draft, it took a freak injury to incumbent starter Drew Bledsoe for Manning to take the reins. He went on to win numerous Super Bowls, all the while staying humble and out of the public eye. Manning owns the single season touchdown record and “would be delighted” if Brady were to break it. Funny, good looking, a great actor and one hell of a football player, Manning embodies what it means to be a man – almost as much as Bret Favre does.

Manning’s primary targets are the handsome and friendly Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne. Life-long Colts, these two Jerry Rice-like players represent what it means to be wide-outs. They are known to never complain about opposing defensive backs rough, physical play – often complimenting them if they are shut down in AFC Championship games. They play through injuries, have never taken off a single play, block for their running backs and give every touchdown ball they catch to children diagnosed with cancer.

So the stage is set between these two historic rivals. It will undoubtedly be the greatest game ever played – not only in football, but in any sport. The game will rival the legendary Stanford/Cal “the band is on the field” game. There will be an enormous 30+ point comeback that will be better than the Bills/Oilers playoff game in 1993. Trick plays will be run similar to the Oklahoma/Boise State Fiesta Bowl in 2007. Oh yeah, that Trinity High 15 lateral play – that’s nothing compared to what the Colts have planned for the opening kickoff. Red Sox/Yankees in the 2004 ALCS? Forget that. The 2007 sudden death MLB contest featuring the Rockies/Padres? Less drama than a high school play. The “Miracle on Ice” between USSR/USA? Getting there, but still not even close.

This game will be most like World War II, except if the Axis were crushing opposing armies by 25.5 thousand casualties per battle and running up the death count. God help us all if Belichick (Hitler) and Brady (Mussolini) are victorious over Dungy (Roosevelt) and Manning (Churchill) in the war game of the millennium.

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