Note: This does not include tonight’s (1/28) episode.
Update: Big thanks to Deadspin for linking this article. They're easily one of my favorite five or six satirical sports blogs around. Thanks again!
With five full episodes in the books, American Gladiators has made me remember why I loved the original show in the first place and watched a ton of it on ESPN Classic recently. It’s everything we love about sports: big hits, probable steroid use, ridiculous personalities, underdog stories and of course, jousting.
But who is the best Gladiator? Is it the unbridled manliness of Ted Nugent look-alike Wolf? What about the Hitler’s dreamboat, Titan? In honor of the cornball glory that is the new American Gladiators, here is the first installment of the American Gladiator Power Rankings.
While performing well in Pyramid (one for one with no points allowed), it is Justice’s insane Assault numbers that got him the number one ranking. He has three kills in four appearances - but even better is that miniscule seven points allowed, which is good for 1.75 points/appearance. Justice may be a one hit wonder right now, but his dominance has to be recognized.
Similar to Justice, Crush dominates one event – Joust, like none other. Arguably one of the more even events in terms of Gladiator/Human relations, Crush has obliterated opponents to the tune of three
While the previous two Gladiators dominate one event, Fury excels at many. Her Assault numbers are nuts (two
A combination of strong and quick, Wolf is the male version of Fury. He’s perfect in Pyramid (two for two, no points) and leads AG with two kills on Hang Tough - only one other Gladiator has even one. His big slip-up was allowing the full 10 on his lone Wall appearance. His 3.33 points/APP in Hang Tough is comfortably first in AG.
This one surprised me, as Venom is one of the less popular Gladiators. Her seven appearances tie her with Fury for first. Venom, like Fury, also doesn’t appear in any event more than twice. Her best event has been the Wall, with one KO and five PA in two appearances. Venom is also the only other AG with a knockout on Hang Tough. Her Joust numbers aren’t great (one KO, one time knocked out in two APP) but they’re serviceable.
Not making much of a splash in the individual events, Toa still managed to stay in the top half. He is skilled in the Wall, with one KO and only five points allowed in two appearances. His five points allowed in one Pyramid APP is nothing to write home about though.
This was my biggest shocker. Titan has the perfect AG persona, carrying the torch of Nitro as the face of the show. But he may be too big for his own good, only able to compete effectively in strength events. He dominated his one Pyramid APP, allowing no points. His Joust numbers are uninspiring for a person his size (one KO, one TKO in two APP). Since I doubt we’ll see him in Hang Tough or Wall, he has to dominate the events he does partake in.
When I first started this I didn’t have the most recent episode entered in yet. Siren had zero individual event appearances at that time and was ranked, I think seventh. She got her shots this week, and what a week it was. Knocked out in Assault and allowing an AG high 13 points. Not even the sole AG spotless Wall performance (one KO, with no points) can cover up that atrocious Assault game.
Hellga is an even more limited Titan. She has zero speed to speak of and I can’t see her on Hang Tough, Pyramid or Wall. She’d probably be a monster in Joust or Earthquake, but she hasn’t had the chance yet. The one individual event she has done, Assault, was pretty bad. She got knocked out (one of three AGs so far) and allowed 11 points, good for second to last.
Mayhem has the dubious distinction of not one, but two disqualifications on Joust for stepping on his opponent’s platform. When I have to keep track of DQs just because of you, you know you’re going to be ranked low. Not to be outdone, he also is one of three AGs to get burned for the full 10 on Wall. His one Pyramid hold keeps him out of the bottom two.
Militia hasn’t done much of anything well, but not for lack of trying. While AGs like Siren and Hellga have been bad, at least they can hang their hats on not having a lot of appearances. No such luck for Militia. His six APP ties him with a host of others for second. He lost in his sole Hang Tough APP after an injury and has a TKO, one tie and one wedgie in two Earthquake stops. His hold on Pyramid is fine, but that Assault line (two APP, 11 points, one KO and one TKO) is ugly.
Without a doubt the worst AG name ever and the worst Gladiator so far – Stealth has been pretty much invisible in these events. She is the only AG to allow her opponent to reach the top of the Pyramid, an event I feel heavily favors the Gladiators. I would be surprised if any competent Gladiator allows any more than one or two to reach the top this entire season. Stealth is also one of the three to allow the full 10 on Wall. Terrible start so far.