Monday, January 28, 2008

American Gladiator power rankings

Rankings are scored on six individual events. Therefore these do not include Gauntlet and Powerball, due to their difficulty/impossibility to keep score of. But in Hit and Run’s case, I just think it sucks. Stats like knock outs, points allowed, times knocked out and holds, among others, are used where appropriate. And yes, this may be the dorkiest thing ever.

Note: This does not include tonight’s (1/28) episode.


Update: Big thanks to Deadspin for linking this article. They're easily one of my favorite five or six satirical sports blogs around. Thanks again!


With five full episodes in the books, American Gladiators has made me remember why I loved the original show in the first place and watched a ton of it on ESPN Classic recently. It’s everything we love about sports: big hits, probable steroid use, ridiculous personalities, underdog stories and of course, jousting.

But who is the best Gladiator? Is it the unbridled manliness of Ted Nugent look-alike Wolf? What about the Hitler’s dreamboat, Titan? In honor of the cornball glory that is the new American Gladiators, here is the first installment of the American Gladiator Power Rankings.

1. Justice

While performing well in Pyramid (one for one with no points allowed), it is Justice’s insane Assault numbers that got him the number one ranking. He has three kills in four appearances - but even better is that miniscule seven points allowed, which is good for 1.75 points/appearance. Justice may be a one hit wonder right now, but his dominance has to be recognized.

2. Crush

Similar to Justice, Crush dominates one event – Joust, like none other. Arguably one of the more even events in terms of Gladiator/Human relations, Crush has obliterated opponents to the tune of three KOs and one tie in four appearances. Recording two ties in Earthquake probably cost Crush the number one spot, but it is still within striking distance.

3. Fury

While the previous two Gladiators dominate one event, Fury excels at many. Her Assault numbers are nuts (two KOs, three points allowed in two appearances) and her Earthquake numbers are tops (one KO, one tie in two APP). She also has a hold in one Pyramid appearance. What brought her down to three were her shortcomings in Hang Tough – 15 points allowed in two appearances, highest total among Gladiators. Also, only Venom has as many appearances as Fury’s seven.

4. Wolf

A combination of strong and quick, Wolf is the male version of Fury. He’s perfect in Pyramid (two for two, no points) and leads AG with two kills on Hang Tough - only one other Gladiator has even one. His big slip-up was allowing the full 10 on his lone Wall appearance. His 3.33 points/APP in Hang Tough is comfortably first in AG.

5. Venom

This one surprised me, as Venom is one of the less popular Gladiators. Her seven appearances tie her with Fury for first. Venom, like Fury, also doesn’t appear in any event more than twice. Her best event has been the Wall, with one KO and five PA in two appearances. Venom is also the only other AG with a knockout on Hang Tough. Her Joust numbers aren’t great (one KO, one time knocked out in two APP) but they’re serviceable.

6. Toa

Not making much of a splash in the individual events, Toa still managed to stay in the top half. He is skilled in the Wall, with one KO and only five points allowed in two appearances. His five points allowed in one Pyramid APP is nothing to write home about though.

7. Titan

This was my biggest shocker. Titan has the perfect AG persona, carrying the torch of Nitro as the face of the show. But he may be too big for his own good, only able to compete effectively in strength events. He dominated his one Pyramid APP, allowing no points. His Joust numbers are uninspiring for a person his size (one KO, one TKO in two APP). Since I doubt we’ll see him in Hang Tough or Wall, he has to dominate the events he does partake in.

8. Siren

When I first started this I didn’t have the most recent episode entered in yet. Siren had zero individual event appearances at that time and was ranked, I think seventh. She got her shots this week, and what a week it was. Knocked out in Assault and allowing an AG high 13 points. Not even the sole AG spotless Wall performance (one KO, with no points) can cover up that atrocious Assault game.

9. Hellga

Hellga is an even more limited Titan. She has zero speed to speak of and I can’t see her on Hang Tough, Pyramid or Wall. She’d probably be a monster in Joust or Earthquake, but she hasn’t had the chance yet. The one individual event she has done, Assault, was pretty bad. She got knocked out (one of three AGs so far) and allowed 11 points, good for second to last.

10. Mayhem

Mayhem has the dubious distinction of not one, but two disqualifications on Joust for stepping on his opponent’s platform. When I have to keep track of DQs just because of you, you know you’re going to be ranked low. Not to be outdone, he also is one of three AGs to get burned for the full 10 on Wall. His one Pyramid hold keeps him out of the bottom two.

11. Militia

Militia hasn’t done much of anything well, but not for lack of trying. While AGs like Siren and Hellga have been bad, at least they can hang their hats on not having a lot of appearances. No such luck for Militia. His six APP ties him with a host of others for second. He lost in his sole Hang Tough APP after an injury and has a TKO, one tie and one wedgie in two Earthquake stops. His hold on Pyramid is fine, but that Assault line (two APP, 11 points, one KO and one TKO) is ugly.

12. Stealth

Without a doubt the worst AG name ever and the worst Gladiator so far – Stealth has been pretty much invisible in these events. She is the only AG to allow her opponent to reach the top of the Pyramid, an event I feel heavily favors the Gladiators. I would be surprised if any competent Gladiator allows any more than one or two to reach the top this entire season. Stealth is also one of the three to allow the full 10 on Wall. Terrible start so far.

61 comments:

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McLea said...

Ha, awesome post.

Anonymous said...

I think Crush deserves to be #1 because the games she has been playing individually in require a lot of balance, which is not hard to do. Also, in Earthquake, it's harder for the girls to get tosses because they don't have as big of size advantages as the male gladiators do over their competitors.

Nonetheless, this statistical analysis was entertaining.

Anonymous said...

*Correction* not easy to do

Danny said...

Great great post, but you've gotta find a way to include Powerball in there. It's arguably the best event. If football coaches can find a way to grade offensive linemen, you can find a way to grade Powerball. Come up with a formula that includes solo tackles, assisted tackles as positives and points against in 1-on-1, total points against...or something.

Anonymous said...

You forgot the part about Crush/Gina Carano being the hottest chick who could fuck you up alive.

Jason Cook said...

Since my Excel doesn't work, you should see the ridiculous Notepad file I have.

I do want to get Powerball in there as it is my favorite event. My reason for not doing so was keeping track of points allowed would be nigh impossible as how do you know who was responsible for a goal?

Also, I used NBCs recaps of episodes to get data for older ones and their Powerball coverage was severely lacking.

I will keep it in my and maybe figure something out before Monday's episode.

Monty said...

Perhaps for the time being Power Ball could be graded in the same vein as early offensive line grades for "sacks allowed" were handed out - as a unit.

Even if one gladiator ends up negatively effecting another's score, at least it gives some credit to the best event on the show! (Other than the eliminator, that is.)

Anonymous said...

No, Powerball should be all about stops and tackles. Forget points allowed, as it would be impossible to attribute to one single gladiator. Just do tackles and stops/strips/deflections sort of thing because that will show how effective the gladiator is anyway right?

Jason Cook said...

Done and done.

Tackles/Strips/Deflections will be kept track of for Powerball as much as I can. I am worried about the jumpy camera work, but we'll try it out.

Anonymous said...

Wolf should be first no matter what. You have to look at the effort he gives so therefore him and Justice should just switch spots.

Danny said...

I'd say points against should be counted, even if it's team points and the Gladiator gets hurt by goals that aren't their fault. Assuming American Gladiators keeps going for the next 10 years or so, which it definitely better, you should have enough data points to make fair comparisons about who is the best Powerball defender.

But whatever you decide, kudos to your commitment to this worthy cause. I have just added your blog to my bookmarks.

Caleb said...

I found your link through Deadspin. Great article. I had considered doing something like this myself but decided against it since I would be missing several shows. Regardless, I have linked this article on my blog. Hope this is cool with you. My rankings can be fount at http://ragingape.blogspot.com/2008/01/ranking-gladiators.html and http://ragingape.blogspot.com/2008/01/ranking-gladiators-continued.html. Mine is more of a comedic look at the gladiators.

Great work. Crush rules. Mayhem sucks.

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fat as you are isolating the muscles in that region. Strength training and cardio workouts will boost
your metabolism in order to lose fats and gain mass.
In order to lose tummy fat, get 30 minutes to an hour
of cardio exercise per day, and strength train three to five times a week.


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