Saturday, January 26, 2008

Dr. Girl Talk or: How I learned to stop worrying and love pop music

Girl Talk (Gregg Gillis) made me do something I never thought I would again: enjoy pop music.

I would classify myself as a music geek, although not of the highest order. I don’t have 15,000+ songs on my iTunes or the biggest iPod on the market. But I do read music Web sites, write record reviews and listen to music that casual music fans would probably consider weird. I often have headphones on and probably spend too much of my money on concerts.

I don’t personally remember hating pop music but I can (and probably still do) recall feeling better about myself because I had “taste” in music. When people I knew weren’t serious music fans ask me my favorite band, I would often say “you probably haven’t heard of them.” What kind of jerk answer is that?

By definition music nerds have to hate popular music. In fact, your music nerdiness can often be directly correlated with just how much you hate pop music. It’s targeted at the unwashed masses and lacks substance, intelligence and gravitas. Peddlers of pop music are mostly concerned about image and sales numbers – something indie musicians clearly will never care about. Their records sell at Wal-Mart and their videos are on MTV. They are sexy, do Pepsi ads and sing the national anthem at baseball games.

One DJ from Pennsylvania has turned the notion that it’s un-cool for hipsters to like pop music on its head. Girl Talk’s third album, 2006’s Night Ripper, re-defines what pop music is - and what it can be, by destroying, warping, twisting, chopping, smashing and generally mutilating it beyond recognition. Labeled a “mash-up” DJ, Girl Talk takes a number of short samples, rearranges, loops and scrambles them together to create a pop music Frankenstein’s monster.

It’s not like Gillis is breaking any musical barriers here. Old-school rappers have been using samples for decades. Unlike many rappers though, Gillis has avoided legal trouble from the artists he samples. It’s probably because he has always stood firm that his music “recontextualizes” the original source material. Basically, he isn’t stealing the hook from Billy Squier’s “The Stroke,” he is weaving it into a quilt of many other samples to form an entirely new product. Unlike other unlicensed sampling, Gillis isn’t profiting off another’s work. In fact, he is probably exposing them to a new audience.

For example, album opener “Once Again” takes the intro from Boston’s “Foreplay/Long Time” and blends it with Ludacris’ “Pimpin All Over the World” and Ciara’s thumping “my/my/my” vocals from “Goodies.” From there, the song warps into a collision of the Ying Yang Twins “The Whisper Song” and The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony.” It would have taken me years to think of that one minute span of glorious musical alchemy and even longer to deftly and seamlessly overlap the many components. The resultant is not only a great song, but a newfound respect for the catchiness of Luda’s rapping, Boston’s guitar work and the Ying Yang Twins nasty lines. I have never listened to Ludacris seriously, but maybe now I will. To think, hipsters like me listening to mainstream hip-hop. Even if I don’t, I at least respect him more than I used to.

Revelations like this are everywhere on Night Ripper. I find myself singing the chorus to D4L’s “Laffy Taffy” sample on “Hold Up” and not having an ounce of irony in my voice. Who’s D4L? I have no idea. But at least now I know there exists a band named D4L who rap about shaking dat laffy taffy.

Songs are given new life from this pop music Dr. Frankenstein. The drums and guitar from Nirvana’s “Scentless Apprentice” are as brutal on “Smash Your Head” as they were in 1993 on In Utero – maybe more so when featured alongside Young Jeezy. The Emotions “Best of My Love” makes a great backbeat for Purple Ribbon All-Stars “Kryptonite (I’m on It).” Genres, timelines and popularity are of no consequence to Girl Talk. Britney Spears and the Pointer Sisters? Do it. The Breeders and Stevie Wonder? Bring it on. It’s like Gillis threw your music library into a blender, set it to puree, and created a 42 minute milk shake of pure pop pleasure.

In addition to making an amazing party album, Gillis has done something far more profound – revived pop music for a lot of jaded music fans.

Going to any “indie” show is a lesson in pretension and assumed coolness. Most fans (myself included, most of the time) just stand around, arms folded, quietly enjoying the band. Dancing is simply not cool. It is something teenage girls do.

The thing is, roughly the exact same crowd can be found at Girl Talk shows (because he is “cool”) dancing like teenage girls. Gillis has pulled the ultimate rope-a-dope on hipsters. By peppering pop songs with “indie” samples like Neutral Milk Hotel, The Pixies and Weezer, he has allowed them to simply love music again.

If one kid goes to a Girl Talk show and then steals their parents’ Genesis, Chicago or Aerosmith albums or their younger brother’s Young Jeezy or 50 Cent records, I’ve got to think that’s a good thing.

I have listened to Night Ripper roughly twenty times through in a month span. That’s more than I can say for a host of critically acclaimed, “important” albums that came out this year. Does this mean Girl Talk is more important or better than Of Montreal or Radiohead? I don’t think so. But in a way, yeah, it does. I’ve listened to “Once Again” off of Night Ripper about once a day since I’ve acquired it – and it’s probably more than that, between my car and iPod. That is ridiculous. And although that number will probably level out eventually, it says something about the power a pop-minded mash-up DJ can have over a music geek like me.

Often dismissed as somewhat of a fad – something that loses relevance the longer it exists, I think that’s the way Night Ripper and Girl Talk’s music in general, should be. It’s the Voltron of pop music, taking choruses and hooks from a host of sources and turning them into something more, something bigger. Best of, the source material is not only used, but revived as well. Am I going to come back every so often to listen to it as much as say Arcade Fire’s Funeral? I doubt it. I don’t think the record will have as much resonance when I am say, 32 instead of 22. But every single time (so far) I’ve heard B.I.G’s “Juicy” mixed with Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer,” I think Gregg Gillis is a goddamn genius. Who thinks ten years down the road anyway?

I used to keep bands like Styx and Electric Light Orchestra out of my iTunes library (despite liking many of their songs) for fear someone cooler than me would see it and scoff. Although that never happened, I do recall doing it to people on more than one occasion. No longer will I laugh when the first artist in someone’s iTunes is 2Pac. Girl Talk has made it more than just ironic to like bands like Heart, Cat Stevens and Puff Daddy – he’s made it cool. He’s shown me (and probably others) that there can be just as much musical value in a mainstream, MTV rap song as there is in an Icelandic minimalist techno song – sometimes even more.

We shouldn’t hate pop music simply because of what it is. We should love it for what it isn’t. It’s not pretentious or deep or complicated. It’s just pop. And despite how goofy the lyrics for “My Humps” are, it’s undeniably…pop-y. And that has to be good for something.

Now, James Taylor is nestled right next to Jens Lekman in my library. Styx right next to the Strokes. Lily Allen next to Lightning Bolt. And that’s the way it should be.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Playoff teams don't need studly WRs

I will make it no secret that I love what the guys at firejoemorgan.com do. I think their methodical ripping of all things false and unintelligent in the world of sports journalism is wonderful and has made me a better/smarter sports fan. This entry is blatantly inspired by the guys there. I encourage anyone reading this to check FJM out for a good laugh.

Reuben Frank over at SI.com has claimed that NFL playoff teams "rarely" feature stud wide receivers. With guys like Moss, Welker, Burress, Driver and Jennings classifiable as "studs" I somehow doubt he's right.

Reggie Wayne's mighty Colts lost at home. So did Terrell Owens' top-seeded Cowboys.

Totally their fault. Owens had a TD on four catches for 49 yards (not great, but certainly fine) and Wayne had a TD on seven catches for 76 yards, a solid game for a WR. Come on guys, can't you catch 2 TDs? Or have like 150 yards?

Chad Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, Brandon Marshall and Braylon Edwards didn't even get to the playoffs. Neither did Roddy White, Marques Colston or Torry Holt.

Again, totally their fault. These teams (Bengals, Saints, Browns, Rams, Broncos, Falcons and Cardinals) were 27th, 26th, 30th, 21st, 19th, 29th and 17th in the NFL, respectively, in yards allowed on defense. They all also ranked 21st or higher (worse) in terms of points allowed per game. Their defenses stunk. That's probably why they didn't make the playoffs, not because their WRs were too good or something.

Only one of the top 10 wide receivers in yardage this year played for a team that won a playoff game, and that's nothing new in the NFL.

The key word here is "yardage" and the arbitrary benchmark Frank has attached to it to evaluate WRs. Yardage for WRs is much less relevant than it's made out to be. If a WR catches 20 TDs for 1 yard each, he sucks in Frank's eyes. It's like saying of the top ten MLB hitters in AVG, only 2 made the playoffs. Arbitrary.

Of the WRs that were in the top 10 in TD catches, three of those are still in the playoffs and three more (four including Reggie Williams, tied for 9th place with three others) were in the playoffs a week ago. Remember, WRs get paid to catch TDs.

Oh and Frank forgot to mention that of those top ten in yardage Johnson (8), Marshall (7), White (6) and Holt (7) had less than 10 TD catches. Two others, Wayne and Fitzgerald, had exactly 10. Not exactly eye-popping seasons.

Everybody wants T.O. Everybody wants Ocho Cinco. Everybody wants game breakers who put up huge numbers.

Maybe because they increase the goodness of football teams?

But historically, teams without those guys have just as good a chance to get to the Super Bowl and win as do teams with average wideouts.

This goes beyond "misuse of statistics to write a story during a time when nothing is going on" and into the realm of falsity. Of the top 10 teams in receiving yards/game, five made the playoffs (two of them being New England and Green Bay, number one and two in rYPG and first round bye teams) and had a combined 102-58 record. Of the bottom 10 teams in receiving yards, two made the playoffs and had a combined 62-98 record.

Teams "without those guys" ("those guys" being good receivers) don't have a chance to make the Super Bowl because they have a much worse chance of making the playoffs.

Owens is 1-6 in his last seven playoff games, with games of 26, 35, 40, 49 and 73 yards along the way.

Something is fishy here. I count seven playoff games and only five results chosen by Frank. Oh wait, that's because one was 9/177/2 TDs in 2002 against the Giants and the other was 9/122/0 in '04 on a probably broken leg versus the Patriots in the freakin' Super Bowl.

Can you say cherry-picking?

Aside: attributing wins/losses to a single football player is the single DUMBEST thing anyone can do. Even QBs, who arguably affect the outcome of a game the most, should not be credited with wins. Taking into consideration offensive line play, defense, special teams and about a thousand other things that can happen over the course of a football game, saying "player X is 10-5 when such and such happens" is utterly moronic.

This year, Moss is the only big-time receiver left.

Not true, but continue.

Burress had just three 100-yard games this year and Driver two.

Burress was nuts this year, almost never practicing due to an injury and still putting up insane games. Those three 100 yard games: 20/404/5 TDs. He also had 86, 97, 93 and 84 yard games (all with TDs), which is like one catch away from 100.

Driver had a much worse season, with only 2 TD catches. But by barely getting 1000 yards (1048), he's a stud to Frank. Green Bay teammate Greg Jennings had a lowly 920 yards, eliminating him from stud status. Those 12 TDs he caught, forget 'em.

But while everybody is conceding the Patriots the Super Bowl, Moss' postseason record is hardly a stellar one. He's surpassed 75 yards in only three of nine career playoff games,

What a scrub. How did he even get in the NFL?

Those three:
5/127/1
9/188/2
2/121/2 (!)

Moss also had exactly 75 yards once and paired that with a TD. Oh and a game with 70 yards but only two stinkin' TDs. Moss has nine TDs in nine playoff games and 737 yards. That's pretty damn good.

is averaging 38 yards in his last four, and has a 5-4 career postseason record.

Again with the record. Let's fight fire with fire on this one. Those last four, the one's where Moss is averaging 38 yards per? His teams are 2-2 in those games. Including a 14 yard game last week where Jacksonville said, "there is no way we're letting Moss go 10/150/2 on our ass" and lost. Conclusion = zero correlation between amount of Moss yards and his teams victory chances.

But if you want to reach a Super Bowl, you can do it with Deion Branch or Hines Ward.

I would argue that Ward was/is a star receiver. He's been the best WR on the Steelers forever.

He has put up 67/896/8 in his 11 playoff games, but Frank has relegated him to "non-stud" status so he's out.

Branch has played in 11 playoff games and put up 49/725/3 in those. Pretty bad, worse than Moss and Ward for sure.

You can do it with
Qadry Ismail or Bobby Engram.

Engram's nine playoff games: 35/476/2
Ismail's nine playoff games: 18/287/0

Both were terrible and probably had nothing/very little to do with their teams making the Super Bowl. In fact, those teams made it in spite of their crappy WRs - especially in Baltimore's case. That was one of the best defensive teams ever too, by the way. But it was mostly Ismail's team.

You can do it with
David Givens or Bernard Berrian.

Givens' seven games: 35/324/7
Berrian's four games: 19/296/2

One did awesome, one terrible. Again, there is seriously ZERO correlation between having good/bad receivers and making it to the Super Bowl. The NFL playoffs are 3-4 games long during which a million crazy things can happen. Moss can go 8/125/2 and his team can lose. Berrian can go 0/0/0 and his team can win.

You can also "do it" with guys like Rice, Moss, Bruce/Holt and a ton of other awesome receivers with rings.

I may be going out on a limb here, but I think the overall strength of said teams may just have something to do with them making the Super Bowl.

Boring. But effective.

Just like your article. Oh wait, only half of that is true...

Monday, January 07, 2008

Colts Sanders somehow wins defensive player of the year

Indianapolis Colts safety Bob Sanders has won the NFL's Defensive Player of the Year award. After hearing announcers extol his virtues almost every game, including non-Colts games this season, I thought to myself "alright, he probably deserved it." The article is curiously number light and after looking at his stats, it's pretty clear why.

Games - 15
Tackles/Solo - 97/72
PD - 6
Sack - 3.5
FF - 0
INT - 2

Those numbers weren't even good in just the AFC. Tied for 17th in tackles, 41st in sacks and tied for 35th in INTs. Sanders didn't even lead his own team in any defensive statistic. Pretty odd for a DPoY. In the article, Ed Reed's 2004 season was brought up. Reed was the last safety to win. His numbers were nuts, by the way.

Games - 16
Tackles/Solo - 78/67
PD - 17
Sack - 2
FF - 4
INT - 9

Reed also ran back those picks for 358 yards and a touchdown. There's no comparison there, but that's apples and oranges. How about others who deserved it more than Sanders? What about NFL tackle leader and rookie Patrick Willis of San Francisco with his 174 tackles, 4 sacks and 5 passes defended? Or sack leader Jared Allen of Kansas City with 15.5 sacks, 65 tackles and 3 forced fumbles. Haynesworth in Tennessee and Kerney in Seattle also deserve it more than Sanders.

Unlike (?) the MVP award, I didn't think there was any debate about "valuable" in the DPoY - just the guy with the best defensive numbers. Even so, if you take Sanders off the Colts, I am pretty sure an average safety would fill in his numbers. Maybe he wouldn't be as "smash mouth" or have as many "highlight film" plays. But I bet he would get 60-80 tackles and 1-2 INTs.

I guess awarding the "best" player on the team with the best defense is what the award is about. Change the name to Defensive MVP not Defensive Player of the Year. Or they could just give it to people who deserve it. That could work too.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Top ten albums of 2007

10. Handsome Furs - Plague Park

Dan Boeckner (of Wolf Parade fame) and his wife Alexei Perry surprised in 2007 as the Handsome Furs with their synth-pop debut, Plague Park. The record is the definition of minimalism - solely consisting of synth, sparse guitar, drum machine and vocals, the record pulses with emotion and a true sense of intimacy. Clocking in at less than 37 minutes (with only nine tracks) Plague Park may be over quick, but the short length serves the individual tracks well, keeping them fresh and interesting. Standouts include “What We Had,” “Handsome Furs Hate This City” and “The Radio’s Hot Sun.”

9. Jens Lekman – Night Falls Over Kortedala

Night Falls is the best pure pop record to come out this year. Lekman offers small slices of life taking place in the titular Swedish city, Kortedala. Ranging from awkward dinners at a girlfriend’s (“A Postcard to Nina”) to break-up songs, to straight-up love songs (pretty much everything else) Lekman’s tracks are filled with vitality and color, brought to life by his unique and wonderful vocals, string, horn, and bell arrangements. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad, often humorous, Night Falls is always whimsical and joyous.

8. M.I.A. – Kala

M.I.A. has joined Kanye West and a handful of other rappers that it’s O.K. for hipsters to like. Her follow-up to 2005’s Arular is chock full of clever samples, near spotless production and interesting guest appearances. On “Paper Planes” M.I.A. borrows The Clash’s “Straight to Hell” and adds samples of guns reloading and cash registers slamming to glorious result. Kala runs the gamut of sounds and genres, showing off M.I.A.’s broad musical taste and aptitude. Whether it is Bollywood inspired songs like “Bamboo Banga” and “Jimmy,” or slowing down and distorting the Pixies “Where Is My Mind?” chorus on “20 Dollar” almost beyond recognition, Kala is a triumph.

7. The White Stripes – Icky Thump

Icky Thump, the sixth full length from the White Stripes, is a return to the more blues influenced rock music Jack White idolizes. Following the mixed reception of Get Behind Me Satan, another sub-par album could have doomed the band to mediocrity. Instead, Icky Thump brings a pure blues and country rock feel that cements the White Stripes as one of the premier bands of the decade. Unlike previous White Stripes albums, Jack White’s guitar is allowed to do much more of the talking – serving as the centerpiece to almost all the records singles. On “I'm Slowly Turning Into You” and “You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You're Told)” White lets loose and the result is some great blues/rock for modern and traditional music fans alike.

6. Klaxons – Myths of a Near Future

Rave. Nu rave. Dance punk. Whatever the Klaxons are labeled, one thing remains constant – Myths is a killer record. The Debut from the U.K. trio is easily one of the best dance albums of the year. Packed with angular, frenetic guitar riffs, en-masse vocals, synth beeps and chirps and funk bass lines, Myths is a lesson in how to correctly do dance music. Songs like single “Golden Skans,” “It’s Not Over Yet” and “Gravity’s Rainbow” can be a welcome reprieve on any iPod filled with more “serious” music. If the Klaxons are the next great British band or simply a flash in the pan remains to be seen. But bands could do a lot worse as a first (and/or last) record than Myths.

5. Patrick Wolf – The Magic Position

Wolf’s story is one of an 11 year old prodigy with a knack for the violin, piano and writing songs well beyond his years. Releasing his first solo album at the ripe age of 20, Wolf has met near sweeping critical acclaim for all subsequent releases. 2007’s The Magic Position features a more mature and focused Wolf than in his previous efforts. His mix of strings, piano, synths and a wholly one-of-a-kind, crooning voice makes for one of the most unique listens this year. Although the record loses steam in its last third, the joy of songs like “Accident & Emergency,” “Bluebells,” “(Lets’ Go) Get Lost” and the title track, is undeniable. Also, extra points for best cover art ever.

4. Radiohead – In Rainbows

What can be said of In Rainbows that hasn’t been said already? It’s a much awaited release from one of the world’s most popular acts. It can be had for no cost, legally. Above all else - it is one hell of an album. In Rainbows can be filed under the “pleasant surprises of 2007.” Not because it’s a great record from an obscure band – quite the opposite. In Rainbows is a surprise because absolutely no one saw it coming. The album was announced mere weeks before it could be “purchased” through the band’s Web site. With so much positive PR, In Rainbows could have just been average and it would have been well received. But Thom Yorke and company decided to make one of their best records in years. From anthems like “Bodysnatchers” and “Jigsaw Falling Into Place” to sprawling emotional ballads like “Videotape” and “Reckoner,” Radiohead have done it yet again.

3. Arcade Fire – Neon Bible

This is the most puzzling release of 2007. It went from not on my list, to tenth, to somewhere in the middle, to two - finally settling at three. Neon Bible may be atop every best-of list - or none of them. I have no idea. The fog surrounding Arcade Fire’s second full length may have something to with the astounding success of the band’s first record, Funeral. Practically putting Canada on the indie rock map, Funeral has been hailed as on the best records of the past decade or so. Living up to that amount of praise must be anything but easy. What’s so wonderful about Neon Bible is that the singles (“Intervention,” “No Cars Go,” and “Black Mirror”) start to fade into the background the more one listens to the album. Tracks like “Windowsill” and “(Antichrist Television Blues)” start to move to the forefront. The more you listen to Neon Bible, the better and more complete it gets, with each song revealing its purpose and value.

2. Feist – The Reminder

Although the single “1, 2, 3, 4” has been all but killed thanks to that infamous iPod ad, Leslie Feist managed to create one of the most beautiful albums of the year. Opener “I’m Sorry” is a wonderful break-up/apology song, showcasing one of the best voices in music today during the last 45 seconds or so. With soothing bass, acoustic guitar licks, upbeat piano and the silky smoothness that is Feist’s voice, the songs on The Reminder will thaw even the most jaded music fan’s heart. “Sea Lion Woman,” “Past and Present” and “I Feel It All” are all deserving of their own commercials.

1. Animal Collective – Strawberry Jam

It had been nearly four months and dozens of records listened to with Feist hanging on to number one. I honestly didn’t think it could get much better than the pop/folk perfection that was The Reminder. But from the opening video game beeps of Strawberry Jam leadoff track, “Peacebone” it was clear there was a new number one. Animal Collective have been a staple of the “freak folk” sub-genre since their first album in 2000. Their mish-mash of unnatural synth, tribal screams, alien guitars and ability to hide amazing hooks beneath it all, has made the band one of the most interesting acts around. Strawberry Jam is the apex of the band’s attempt at “pop” music. The haunting, slow-building “For Reverend Green,” the marching band-esque “Derek” and the spectacular ballad “Fireworks” take listeners on a tour of dozens of different sounds and styles – all of them worth the price of admission.


Honorable mentions: Okkervil River - The Stage Names, Bright Eyes - Cassadaga, Panda Bear - Person Pitch, Stars - In Our Bedroom After The War, New Pornographers - Challengers, Kings Of Leon - Because Of The Times, The Shins - Wincing The Night Away, Justice - Cross.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Countdown to Armageddon

David versus Goliath. Satan vs. God. Schwarzenegger vs. The Predator. Mario vs. Bowser. All epic chapters in the struggle of good versus evil. You can now add 2007 Patriots v. Colts to that list.

This isn’t the game of the decade or century – this is the game of the millennium - probably of all time.

On one side there is Bill Belichick and his hoard of ruthless, bloodthirsty thugs hell-bent on obliterating all opposition that stands before them. Wrongfully accused of cheating by the NFL, Kaiser Belichick has commanded his troops to take no prisoners on their path to vengeance.

Tom Brady – the Darth Vader to Belichick’s Emperor Palpatine – has eviscerated opponents to the tune of 30 touchdowns to 2 interceptions over his first games and is on pace to re-write the record books in his opponents blood. Almost all his touchdown passes have come with opponents already conceding defeat, often down by 30 or more points in the third or fourth periods.

Aiding Brady and Belichick on their quest to shame the game of football and the institution of the NFL is their new receiving corps. Made up of “to the highest bidder” mercenaries (many of whom have criminal records), this group’s only loyalty lies in their desire to see their enemies' will broken and bodies' beaten down.

Randy “Baby Eater” Moss has caught 11 touchdowns, all the while constantly trash talking opposing defenses, dogging it on plays that aren’t centered on him and doing inappropriate end-zone celebrations – much to the delight of the classless Belichick. Wes “White Supremacy” Welker has six TD’s on the season and is currently under investigation by the FBI for possible ties to international terrorism. Donte “Spits-In-Your-Face” Stallworth has three touchdown catches this season – with his longest catch going for the completely inappropriate 69 yards.

Playing the Spartans to Belichick’s Persian Army are the pure and darling Indianapolis Colts. Tony Dungy has compiled a happy-go-lucky cast of God-fearing gentlemen who just “want to play the game the way it was meant to be played.” Defending Super Bowl champs, the Colts have quietly gone about their business this season - often kneeling three times and punting once they take leads of more than six points. Known to shake the hands of each and every member of the opposing organization (including ball boys, camera men, owners and cheerleaders) after victories, the Colts are without a doubt the classiest team to ever play professional sports.

The team’s leader, Peyton Manning, came from humble beginnings. Selected in the sixth round with the 199th pick in the NFL draft, it took a freak injury to incumbent starter Drew Bledsoe for Manning to take the reins. He went on to win numerous Super Bowls, all the while staying humble and out of the public eye. Manning owns the single season touchdown record and “would be delighted” if Brady were to break it. Funny, good looking, a great actor and one hell of a football player, Manning embodies what it means to be a man – almost as much as Bret Favre does.

Manning’s primary targets are the handsome and friendly Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne. Life-long Colts, these two Jerry Rice-like players represent what it means to be wide-outs. They are known to never complain about opposing defensive backs rough, physical play – often complimenting them if they are shut down in AFC Championship games. They play through injuries, have never taken off a single play, block for their running backs and give every touchdown ball they catch to children diagnosed with cancer.

So the stage is set between these two historic rivals. It will undoubtedly be the greatest game ever played – not only in football, but in any sport. The game will rival the legendary Stanford/Cal “the band is on the field” game. There will be an enormous 30+ point comeback that will be better than the Bills/Oilers playoff game in 1993. Trick plays will be run similar to the Oklahoma/Boise State Fiesta Bowl in 2007. Oh yeah, that Trinity High 15 lateral play – that’s nothing compared to what the Colts have planned for the opening kickoff. Red Sox/Yankees in the 2004 ALCS? Forget that. The 2007 sudden death MLB contest featuring the Rockies/Padres? Less drama than a high school play. The “Miracle on Ice” between USSR/USA? Getting there, but still not even close.

This game will be most like World War II, except if the Axis were crushing opposing armies by 25.5 thousand casualties per battle and running up the death count. God help us all if Belichick (Hitler) and Brady (Mussolini) are victorious over Dungy (Roosevelt) and Manning (Churchill) in the war game of the millennium.