Thursday, March 05, 2009

Redskins sign T.O. for $500 million

In a move that surprises no one, the Washington Redskins signed recently cut wide out Terrel Owens for 15 years at half a billion dollars.

Owner Daniel Snyder said in conference call that while the contract seems high -- especially in this economy -- it was market value. "T.O. is a valuable player. His combination of route running, making the big play, feuding with coaches and hating teammates, makes him a perfect fit for the Redskins. We simply had to snap him up before anyone else."

Despite catching 38 touchdowns in three seasons with the Cowboys, Dallas went 0-2 in the playoffs with Owens. And we all know it was his fault. "He just didn't come to play when the playoffs rolled around," said Dallas quarterback Tony Romo. When asked about his dropped extra point hold which would have tied the game in the '06 playoffs, Romo burst into tears.

The Owens signing is the third huge free-agent signing by the Redskins -- Albert Haynesworth's 7/$100 million and unheard of cornerback D'Angelo Hall to a 6/$55 million. Sources confirmed that this is not the same Hall who was a good player years ago in Atlanta.

They also signed some guy named Dockery to 5/$27 million. Whatever.

"We're making a lot of moves," said Snyder, "and we hope they will pay off despite copious amounts of evidence to the contrary."

Owens' agent Drew Rosenhaus spoke to reporters about his biggest client's new home. "T.O. wanted to go to a team that actually had a quaterback, but when it came down to it, this was where T.O. wanted to play." When asked if the money had anything to do with it, Rosenhaus answered with, "Next question."

President Barack Obama was asked about the record-breaking contract given out by the hometown Redskins and said, "This is fucking nuts. Isn't Jason Campbell still our QB?" Well said, Mr. President, well said.

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