Monday, March 02, 2009

Jay Jay Cutwer need a diapy change?

I knew this was coming. Jay Cutler -- in nearly everyones eyes a franchise QB in the making -- is angry about "being lied to" by the Broncos about a possible trade that fell through.

But no, in the world of Sports (caps for seriousness) you must put the team above all else. Front office lies to you? Suck it up, wimp. You are the talk of trade rumors coming off a Pro Bowl season and only 24 years old? Deal with it, selfishface. You actually want to stay with the franchise that drafted you, instead of going all mercenary-like? Come on, you should be switching teams like every year!

What I should have known is that Wojo would be the man to pen all of it.

Will someone please give Jay Cutler his pacifier, hand him his favorite blankie and put him back in his crib for his afternoon nap? Because if he cries anymore about a trade that didn't happen, we'll have to check his Pampers.

Boom, roasted.

We have every possible baby reference in there. Except for a direct poop drop, but I bet the ESPN censors got that one.

But the mere thought of a possible trade upset Cutler so much that he went into full waaaa-waaaa-waaaa mode, wailing like an infant. 'Why are they being so mean to me?' That sort of thing.

Imagine this, Gene. You work for ESPN. They believed in you when others didn't. You make good money and are coming off a great writing season where you penned 25 columns and wrote over 4,500 words. Sure, you had 18 stinky articles, but you like writing for ESPN and they like you.

But then, out of the blue, you hear they are trying to trade you to Sports Illustrated. Or worse, the NY Post. "What did I do wrong?" you ask. They say, "They contacted us, don't worry Gene." Then you hear that they actually called those other publications, not the other way around. And are actively trying to move you.

Would you be mad?

Why call Denver and ask about Cutler? Because the Broncos haven't reached the playoffs since the 2005 season.

Cutler was drafted in '06. His fault for not leading them to the promised land when he was at Vandy.

Because Cutler's record as a starter is 17-20.


Cutler's stats from '07-'08:
8023 YDS/45 TD/32 INT/63% comp.

Brady's first two full seasons:
6067 YDS/46 TD/26 INT/63% comp./20-10 W-L

Manning's first two full seasons:
7874 YDS/52 TD/43 INT/59% comp./16-16 W-L

Don't get me wrong -- Cutler is a talent, possibly a major talent. His numbers keep tracking upward (4,526 passing yards, 25 touchdowns in '08), but so do his turnovers (18 interceptions, including four in Denver's last three games -- all losses) and hissy fits.

He lead the league in hissy fits with -- what? they don't keep track of that because it's bullshit? Someone tell Wojo. Oh, and I am pretty sure Phil Rivers -- a "fiery" "competitor" "warrior" -- would lead the league in hissy fits.

None of this Cutler trade talk likely would have happened if Mike Shanahan were still the Broncos' head coach. ... But Shanahan is Broncos history. It happens. Last week it happened to 11-time Pro Bowl linebacker Derrick Brooks of the Bucs. He was cut after 14 years.

This is goofy. Brooks is a 14-year veteran with declining skills (1 INT, 58 tackles in 16 games in '08) while Cutler has all of two years in the league in which he played very well with a shit defense and a revolving door of stiffs at running back.

But guess what. Brooks manned the fuck up.

Brooks didn't pout like Cutler. And his agent didn't issue any angry criticisms of the Bucs' decision. Instead, Brooks articulated the essential truth of the NFL: It's business, not personal.

But this would be a dumbass business move. Trade a young, promosing, talented franchise QB who knows the team at 24 years old? Sounds good to me.

So what if the Broncos considered proposals from the Bucs? Who cares whether they listened to an offer from the Detroit Lions? When you haven't reached the playoffs since '05, when you gag away a three-game division lead with three games left, you listen to everybody about anybody.

No, you don't.

Houston Texans. Not a great team, never made the playoffs, "choked away" a ton of games, but have some talent. The Eagles call up asking about Andre Johnson. They offer a second round pick and Kevin Kolb. How long does it take for them to hang up the phone?

Just because a team is "bad" (which the Broncos are not) doesn't mean every player is available. Hey Vikings, how about Cassel for Adrian Peterson? Hey Lions, you're 0-16!! What the hell do you need Calvin Johnson for? How about a fourth and first for him?

The nontrade causes serious problems only if Cutler wants it that way. To whine about the Broncos' kicking the tires on a trade accomplishes nothing. Especially from a guy with zero playoff appearances and a grand total of 37 NFL games.

Especially from a guy with zero playoff appearances and a grand total of 37 NFL games.

That is just a great line. It's great because those two statements directly contradict one another. He's played 37 games -- just over two seasons -- and has never made the playoffs!?! What a no-good, lazy, diabetic bastard! Trade him for a guy with no playoff experience and a total of 30 games who's older. Chop chop!

Cutler has accomplished nothing in this league.

Fuck. That. Noise.

One Pro Bowl. Nearly 10,000 yards passing. Over 50 TDs. Completion percentage of over 62. All in only two years as a starter. Dude has accomplished a lot. But I guess anyone who hasn't won a Super Bowl in their first two motherfucking years in the league has accomplished shit.

Hear that Broncos? Trade this whiny stiff. I hear the Pats need a backup.

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