Lack of sports nuts? I don't think so

In his most recent “Sticky Wickets” entry, Popmatters.com writer Robert Collins explains how he will miss the now deceased Bobby Fischer’s crazy antics. He goes into detail how sports stars don’t have enough personality and how “a little craziness would go a long way.”

With all due respect Mr. Collins – are you serious?

I understand the point of the article – sports stars aren’t what they used to be. Gun toting, binge-drinking, womanizing buffoons who would fight fans and curse at journalists, but times have changed. Ty Cobb can’t go in the stands and beat on a guy with one arm anymore. Babe Ruth can't drink a brew during his home run trot.

Also, not to question Collins’ sports fandom, but there are a ton of crazy sports stars active right now – their stories are often simply buried to keep our games “pure.” Maybe they aren’t anti-Semites like Fischer, but many of them are pretty batty.

Exhibit A: Gilbert Arenas. The guy not only gets credit for launching the first huge sports star blog – a stream of consciousness wonder that deals with everything from basketball to Halo, but he is also fond of absurd nicknames, blasting front offices and commenting of the state of the league he plays in.

Blog aside, the man has hilarious nicknames like “Hibachi” and “Agent Zero” (which is on of the best nicks ever, by the way) and a pension for ridiculous in-game antics. He draped his jersey on the court after hitting a game winner. He has made bets with fans about hitting shots. He’s said he could score 80 against Duke. All this and a thousand other wacky stories and anecdotes have come from the brain of Arenas. He’s the crown prince of crazy in sports today.

An obvious pair of crazy is the tandem of Chad Johnson and Terrell Owens. The latter may or may not have tried to kill himself with pills, did sit-ups in his driveway in front the media and strained a shoulder throwing various ex-teammates under the bus. The former is one of the few remaining entertaining TD dancers – proposing to a cheerleader, wearing a Hall of Fame jacket, giving the football CPR and controlling a TV camera, among many others.

Have you seen a post game interview with Clinton Portis? He wears what looks like cheap Halloween costumes and gives himself alter-egos with kooky names. By all accounts, he’s pretty nuts.

One of the most horrible scenes in sports revolved around King Crazy himself, Ron Artest - the Malice at the Palace. Artest went into the crowd and punched a fan who may or may not have thrown a cup of beer at him while he was laying on the scorers table. Artest’s boxing buddy, Stephen Jackson is also insane. Jackson’s craziness can be understood simply by looking at his tattoo.

How about the quote machine that is Ichiro Suzuki? Maybe it’s his interpreter having a blast, but the man has been a fountain of absurd quotes – from hating Cleveland to loving ice cream – Ichiro is pretty crazy.

Want some more violence in your crazy? Ever heard of Delmon Young? Or Elijah Dukes? Young threw a bat at a minor league ump and Dukes has some serious problems with the opposite sex.

Staying with MLB, Carl Everett doesn’t believe in dinosaurs, spit on an ump and has blown up more times than anyone can count. Manny Ramirez is still playing. He’s gone into the Green Monster to pee during games, makes odd/lazy plays in the outfield, tried to sell a grill online and will have the best Hall of Fame speech ever.

There are a lot of absolutely, positively insane sports stars playing right now. Most of them at a high level too. I haven't even mentioned Pacman Jones, the Minnesota Viking's party boat, Allen Iverson and a score of others. Although it’s a tall order to pass the delusional Fischer, I think we’re in a pretty good place in terms of sports crazies.

I would advise you, Mr. Collins to take a look over at Deadspin.com and other sports blogs for you dose of sports craziness. I’ve only touched on the stars who are crazy, and this is merely the tip of the iceberg.

The first annual Gladdies and thoughts on season one

The new American Gladiators first season has come and gone – garnering mixed reviews. Hulk and Laila Ali were undeniably vapid, there was too much contestant interviewing, the editing was choppy and other negatives were pointed out. But the bottom line is there were juiced up bodybuilders with cartoonish personalities pounding regular people in wacky events. And I loved it.

But there are a number of simple improvements that could be made. What follows are my thoughts on how to improve season two and some end of the season awards.

Get rid of crappy events

Hit and run sucks. It just does. It’s way too easy for the competitor to rack up points and the rare times they get knocked out, it’s more pathetic than exciting. Those medicine balls should be iron or something. Maybe spiked. Either that, or raise that crappy suspension bridge up a few inches (too easy to duck as it is now) and add 5-6 more Gladiators. You can never have enough Gladiators.

Do the awesome events more

Joust and Powerball are the best events – and it’s not even close. Do these more. Every episode should have both of these for the men and the women. Earthquake seems pretty great, but it was only in four episodes. Militia was in it two separate times and sucked, so maybe that’s why it wasn’t featured that much.

Bring back the old Powerball goals

Speaking of Powerball, what the hell is up with these new goals? The game is called Powerball, not Wussyball. I don’t want to live in a world where contestants can shoot jump shots and make them - unless there is a fourth Gladiator who is there just to block shots like Dikembe Mutombo. In the old Powerball you practically had to have your arm elbow deep in the goal to insure a point – that’s the way it should be.

Force Gladiators to do more events

Who doesn’t want to see Hellga slog around on Hang Tough? Or Titan on Wall? Forget about basically gifting an event to a competitor, it would be hilarious. I would rather watch someone torch Justice on Wall than that person scurry around on Hit and Run getting 15 points.

Force Gladiators to do fewer events

Wolf was on Wall nine times out of 24. I love seeing Gladiators have a signature event, but it can get boring – especially when they aren’t very good at it. Similarly, Hellga was on Assault six times out of 18 and was God-awful. I know she can’t do much else, but don’t force it.

Cut the total Gladiators from twelve to ten

Would you recognize Stealth if you saw her? Not on the street, on the show American Gladiators. Because I wouldn’t. Cutting two lame Gladiators out (namely Stealth and Militia) would alleviate the previous two suggestions and allow fans to become more familiarized with the real Gladiators.

Tweak the Eliminator

The new Eliminator is way too hard. By the time the contestants get to that conveyor belt thing, they are totally exhausted. I don’t like watching someone lay on their stomachs, grasping for a rope for two whole minutes. Granted, some people killed it, but it’s far too difficult and long as it is now.

Also, where have all the Gladiators gone? In the old show there was this:

Fast forward to about the three-minute mark for maximum ownage

That kicks ass. Even having them lob medicine balls or shoot Nerf guns when humans are walking across that balance beam would be better. I don’t even watch the Eliminator because - who cares? I watch the show to see Gladiators kill people, not normal guys go down zip lines.

Finally, are there even penalties for falling off stuff? If there is, I don’t know about them. If there isn’t, why would you waste your time with the hand bike or the rolling log?

Get rid of the safety equipment

This is for Powerball and Gauntlet - neck braces are for wimps. That’s what waivers are for. Gladiators don’t have necks anyway.

* * *

Now for the Gladdies – the goofy name I am giving the end of season awards for American Gladiators.

MVP – Crush

Not that difficult a choice. Was at or near number one in the rankings all season and left chalk outlines of ladies on Joust. Five knockouts out of eight appearances – the other three being ties. Although she didn’t do much else (two Pyramid, two Earthquake), she wasn’t beaten all season.

LVP – Stealth

Had two individual event appearances all season and got murdered in both of them. Let her competitor beat her in Pyramid for the full 10 points and ditto for Wall. Terrible, awful, boring and stupidly-named, Stealth is easily the worst Gladiator.

Most kills

Siren eked this out with eight on the strength of four on Hang Tough. Venom, Wolf and Crush all had seven. Congratulations on spilling the most human blood, well done.

Most appearances

This one goes to Wolf, who logged 16. His ridiculous nine on Hang Tough is the most appearances in any single event by an AG. Siren was second with 15.

Most times knocked out

The dubious honor goes to both Militia and Siren, who were bested three times each. A special mention goes to Hellga, who was knocked out twice in Assault, quite an achievement.

Most intimidating (male)

It’s close between the genetic freakitude of Justice and the pure power of Titan. Justice is eleven feet tall and weighs 600 lbs, but his goofy hair and revealing Gladiator uniform loses him points. Seeing the way Titan turned opponent’s skulls to dust in three seconds on Joust gives him the edge.

Most intimidating (female)

Not even close, Fury is by far the scariest female. Forget the obvious Hellga. She sucks at actual events. Fury is actually competent and is, genetically, a man – a tough one at that.

***

In a way, American Gladiators is a lot like life. You are constantly at battle with forces much stronger than you - simply trying to get a head start on the guy next to you.

With that, check back during season two and leave any comments for suggestions or stuff you’d like to see.

American Gladiator power rankings

There was quite a lot of movement at the top of the final rankings, including an all-female Gladiator top three. It is no surprise that Crush finished number one – her utter dominance on Joust all season long, in addition to solid numbers in other events, makes her an easy choice for number one.

As other Gladiators racked up appearances, Justice remained mostly stagnant, losing his runner-up status. Unlike Crush, I couldn’t keep Justice in the two spot based on his Assault numbers alone – they aren’t nearly as impressive as Crush’s Joust numbers.

Risers include Siren and Venom, both of whom made late season pushes into the upper tier of Gladiators. On the opposite end of the spectrum is Fury, who fell due to very little action and increasingly pedestrian numbers in the faces of Siren and Venom.

1. Crush (1)

Her last two episodes include two flawless Pyramid appearances and a knockout with a tie on Joust. Crush’s numbers for Joust are tops, and can only be challenged by Titan. She recorded five KOs in eight APP with three ties – never knocked out by an opponent. Throw in two perfect Pyramids and two ties on Earthquake and Crush had a near-perfect season.

2. Siren (5)

It’s impossible to ignore the late charge Siren made. In the first edition of the rankings, Siren ranked eight on the back of almost no action. Her 15 appearances are second only to Wolf’s 16. Her last two episode APP: two Wall, two Joust, one Pyramid and two Hang Tough. She shut out opponents on Hang Tough, going four-for-four with four KOs and no points allowed. Of Gladiators with at least four Hang Tough APP, not one of the other three allowed less than 20 points. With solid numbers on Wall (4 APP/20 PA/2 KO) and alright numbers on Assault and Joust, Siren proved to be one of the most versatile and consistent Gladiators.

3. Venom (3)

Venom, another late bloomer, had mixed results during her last two episodes. She had a KO on Wall (her AG leading third) but also allowed five points. She had a KO on Hang Tough, but also allowed the full ten to a competitor. Still, her season Wall numbers are insane – five APP, three KOs and a mere ten points allowed. In 20 Wall appearances, Gladiators have six knockouts - Venom has half of those. She is to Hang Tough what Crush is to Joust – truly dominating.

4. Justice (2)

This time, Justice was asked to defend his title as most dominant on Assault. One KO and a TKO with 11 total points allowed later, and Justice falls to number four. He is still allowing a spectacular 3.0 points/APP in Assault, but his near non-existence in other events (only four non-Assault APP out of 10 total) has brought him down. Notching a knockout and a tie on Hang Tough shows that Justice may not just be a one-trick pony, but we’ll have to wait until season two to find out.

5. Titan (6)

Speaking of one-trick ponies, Titan has seven total APP – six of them on Joust. Luckily, his numbers compare favorably to Crush in that event. He has five KOs and one TKO in those six APP. His KO/APP rate is higher than Crush’s, but the fact that he has been knocked out keeps him down. His 1.4 points/APP leads AG comfortably. If points were awarded for “quickest time in which a human was owned” on Joust, Titan would be much higher.

6. Fury (4)

At this point, Fury is riding her early-season reputation. She has zero APP in the past two episodes and her once solid nine APP, is now seventh. She deserves more time in Assault (2 KO, three PA in two APP) and has been good on the under-used Earthquake.

7. Toa (7)

Toa did enough to stand pat, logging a hold on Pyramid and allowing five points on Wall. His Wall numbers (4 APP/15 PA/1 KO) are still tops amongst male Gladiators, as he has the sole kill for his sex. Other than that, his completely average Pyramid numbers (2 APP/5 PA/1 H) combined with … nothing make Toa a below average Gladiator.

8. Wolf (8)

The argument can be made that Wolf’s terrible Wall numbers (3 APP/30 PA) were against the eventual winner and experienced rock climber, but that doesn’t make up for his Hang Tough shortcomings. In his primary event (an AG high nine APP) he’s allowed 45 points. Although his four Hang Tough knockouts lead AG, his 5.0 points/APP is slightly above Gladiator average (4.2/APP) in the event and is a disappointment from someone who’s done it that much.

9. Mayhem (10)

Mayhem has been M.I.A for a while now. His one APP in the past two episodes resulted in five points allowed on Pyramid. He is tied for ninth with three others in APP with six. Mayhem hasn’t shown he’s great at anything and is neck-and-neck with Militia for “worst male Gladiator.”

10. Militia (9)

Militia got smoked on Wall, to the tune of 15 points in two APP – his only appearances. His ten overall APP ties him for fifth with Justice. Militia’s 7.0 points/APP puts him eleventh overall, ahead of the lowly Stealth. Very lucky that Stealth and Hellga exist, or he’d by far be ranked last.

11. Hellga (11)

I’ll admit it – I really hate Hellga. I wanted to put her last, but Stealth’s total disappearance is something to behold. She choked, again, on the only event she’s asked to do – Assault. She seriously has zero APP across the board in other individual events.

Thirteen points allowed, on KO and one TKO in her most recent Assault attempt. Gladiators are allowing 4.3 points/Assault APP, Hellga is allowing 5.3 and her PA total (32) is more than Siren’s and Justice’s combined (31).

12. Stealth (12)

As far as I know, not even on the show anymore. I am surprised she is still in the credits. She had two APP the entire season and got smacked in both. If the girl who won doesn’t get her job (or however the producers are doing this) it is a crime.

Check back later in the week for season awards and final thoughts.

Simmons no likey Shawn Marion

As much hate as he gets, I still like Simmons' articles. I understand they are, at times, totally self-referential -full of in-jokes and name-dropping, but I think he gets a lot of hate purely because of jealousy. He's pretty much a fan getting paid to write about sports - that's pretty awesome.

In his most recent article, he defends the much-talked about Marion/Shaq trade.

"And yeah, I know he's talented, and the stat geeks love him, even though he peaked as an impact player two seasons ago and has a nasty habit of disappearing in big games."

I wonder why stat geeks love him...

15.8 points/game - 56th in NBA
10.1 rebounds/game - twelfth in the NBA
1.53 blocks/game - twenty first in the NBA
2.04 steals/game - eighth in the NBA
52% field-goal shooting - nineteenth in the NBA
53 total turnovers - 167th in the NBA

Marion can probably play every single position on an NBA court at least somewhat effectively. He is a superb defender, hardly ever turns the ball over, shoots well, is a very good rebounder (18 last night) and a good second/great third scoring option.

His wide range of really good stats make him one of, if not the, most unique player in the NBA. I understand the argument that Nash and Amare take a lot of pressure off of him, but seriously, no one else in the NBA puts up the array of numbers at the level Marion does.

In his two games so far with Miami (small sample, I know, but still) he has put up 19 PTS/16 REB/2.5 STL/1.5 BLK/2.0 TO. Those look pretty close to his season averages.

As far as "disappearing during big games" is concerned, I heard proof is good. Could it be that Amare and Nash take over late while not playing defense at all?

He is not a top-tier player, but he is an All-Star caliber one, a perfect fit for the Suns and should of hauled in more than an ancient Shaq and Marcus Banks.

Oh and he's the number one overall fantasy basketball player this season so far. He's obviously not the best player in the NBA, but he is unbelievably under-valued.

I don't think you need to be a stat geek to love Shawn Marion.

American Gladiator power rankings

Welcome to the second installment of the American Gladiator power rankings. With two more episodes down and two to go, things are getting interesting.

Gladiators are showing their strengths (Titan in Joust, Siren in Wall and Hang Tough) and weaknesses (Wolf on Wall, Hellga on Assault and Stealth in participation).

The number one and two spots simply flipped, but there were quite a few shakeups in the top six – including the freefall of a crowd favorite and the rise of Siren.

1. Crush (2)

While not doing much to justify being number one (two Joust APP with one KO and one opponent DQ), she was almost there anyway. Crush still hasn’t been knocked out in her signature event, and leads all AGs with four Joust knockouts.

2. Justice (1)

Justice was not asked to dominate in Assault again, so his numbers remain sterling. But he was bested on the Pyramid, allowing five points – just enough to lose the number one spot.

3. Venom (5)

Jumping up two spots is the ever-impressive Venom. Although only appearing in one event since the last rankings, her prowess on Wall allowed her leap-frog some underwhelming Gladiators. Her Wall line now stands at three APP, two KOs and five points allowed. Venom’s eight overall appearances in individual events are tied for third with four others.

4. Fury (3)

Fury almost didn’t deserve to move down in the rankings. She had two more Hang Tough showings and only allowed five points. Still one of the most versatile AGs, her nine overall appearances ranks second. At this point, more 3b. than actually fourth.

5. Siren (8)

Making the biggest leap in the standings, Siren racked up five appearances over two episodes and performed extremely well. Siren is now the only AG who is perfect on Hang Tough (two KOs in two APP, with no points allowed). Adding to the perfection, Siren tossed another shutout on Wall - her second so far. Every other AG with a Wall appearance has allowed points. The only thing keeping her down is a poor showing on Joust – one TKO and a DQ in two APP. If those Joust numbers were simply two ties, she’d be in the top three.

6. Titan (7)

Titan showed that he can indeed dominate on Joust. His lightning-quick double KO in two APP allowed him to move into the upper half.

7. Toa (6)

The Hawiian/Pacific Islander stereotype is still not getting a lot of burn in individual events, with only one Wall appearance over two episodes. He allowed five points in that one APP, dropping him a spot.

8. Wolf (4)

The biggest mover this week, Wolf had an awful two weeks. His 11 appearances leads AG, including a ridiculous seven on Hang Tough. Fury is second with a mere four. The more he appears on the rings, the worse Wolf performs. He has now allowed 35 points (5/APP) on Hang Tough with three KOs. And that 10 point whopping (his second) he received on Wall makes him the worst AG in that event. As much I love the over the top persona, Wolf is far from the best Gladiator.

9. Militia (11)

One of the most vanilla Gladiators did just enough to move up a few spots. He had one KO and one TKO on Earthquake – his AG-leading fourth quake appearance. If you are only asked to consistenly perform in one event (Crush in Joust, Wolf in Hang Tough), it’s inexcusable to perform poorly.

10. Mayhem (10)

An uneventful two weeks for Mayhem, who had one Pyramid APP, allowing five points. That would normally be enough to drop a spot or two, but he got some help from some truly terrible performances.

11. Hellga (9)

Quickly becoming one of the worst Gladiators, Hellga was asked only to stand there a shoot a Nerf gun at people – and couldn’t even do that well. In her third and fourth Assault appearances, Hellga allowed eight points for 19 total this season. If you’re going against Hellga in Assault, you can expect 4.75 points. That’s terrible.

12. Stealth (12)

I am not even sure she is on the show anymore. With zero appearances in two weeks, she should lose her spot to whoever wins the women’s side. Even that lady who sells toilet paper. Simply awful.

Good Idea, Bad Idea: Wii motion controls

For those who don't know, Destructoid.com is a "hardcore" video game blog - they're sort of like an anti-industry, subversive Kotaku. I have been reading the site for a while now and decided to join their vast community of bloggers when they announced a "Monthly Musings" feature.

Here is my entry (minus some pictures, because I am lazy) that should be promoted to their front page (hooray for me!) by the morning 2/7/08.

Nintendo’s Wii is a testing ground for innovative control in gaming today. From various states of waggling, shaking and grips, the consoles titles have been quite varied in their unique control schemes.

But hitting that sweet spot – the perfect balance between traditional and motion controls, has been an uphill battle. How much waggle is too much? Does the title just feel like a port with a few swings and shakes tacked on? Is any of this fun? Successful Wii games have found this harmony, while terrible ones have failed miserably.

Super Paper Mario for the Wii failed to implement motion controls well. While overall a solid title, the game not only tacked motion controls on a game that didn’t need them - they weren’t even tacked on that well.

In this 2D/3D platformer/RPG motion controls are designated to auxiliary items and various niche tasks. To drink a mushroom shake, one must tilt the Wii-remote. An item that drops shooting stars on enemies must be aimed point-and-click style. Players have to shake the remote to break free from ice blocks. While cute at first, these motions become tired, annoying and bothersome as the games goes on.

What developers have to learn is two-fold. First, determine if your game is going to have motion controls in it. Do this from the start, not “oh this is a Wii game. Let’s throw some motion control in.” Secondly, do it correctly. Incorporate it into the core gameplay. Not to the point of excess, but to the point where the player knows and gets used to using it.

Super Paper Mario would have been better as a straight-up, no motion controls platformer. Putting in motion controls just because you can or think you have to, is silly. It would be like using computer generated images in every film. Some are just better without them.

No More Heroes is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. The third-person action title uses motion control better than any Wii title thus far. A core technique in the gameplay, the motion controls manage to be fun, appropriate and perfectly paced.

The left/right/up/down beam-sword prompts appear multiple times in every fight in the game. And every single time they feel badass. Whether you’re swinging left/right for a decapitation or down to cut someone in half the long way, each flick of the wrist is a satisfying one.

Even more enjoyable than the beam-sword prompts are the wide array of wrestling moves players can perform. These involve nunchuk and remote motion simultaneously – to glorious effect. From the simple “both, up” suplex to the complicated “both, left/both down” slam, each wrestling move is not only satisfying – they feel somewhat realistic.

The biggest praise to No More Heroes has to go to what motion control they didn’t use. When the term “beam-sword” comes to mind, Wii developers must have thought “swing the remote, the sword swings on screen.” By eschewing this trapping, No More Heroes is a much more enjoyable and playable title. Instead, the developers used a simple high/low system (in which pointing the remote up was “high”) that made the game play like a Wii title without screaming “I’m a Wii game! See!” *Swings Wii-remote violently.* My forearm and shoulder owe Grasshopper Manufacture a beer.

Other titles like Zack and Wiki, Metroid Prime 3 and even Madden ‘07 have used motion control with varying degrees of success. But for every title that understands temperance and pacing, there are three that just don’t get it. Even great games like Super Mario Galaxy and Twilight Princess were great despite the motion controls, not because of them. With slightly more than a year worth of titles, Wii motion controls still have quite a way to go.