Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Witches, we hunt them

From what I can only assume is the NY Post of the UK, the Daily Mail seems like a pretty insane publication. They have been key engineers in the ever-growing fear-mongering machine aimed at these new fangled Ptendo360 video games for a while now, producing absurdly sensationalist anti-video game propaganda.

But this takes the cake and just may be the most uneducated, incorrect and just plain dumb pieces of writing I have ever read.


A new computer game tipped to be the most violent ever is being released exclusively on the so-called 'family friendly' Wii console.

So-called. Those Nintendo assholes, with their simple interface, group intensive party games, annoying safety measures to insure no pedophiles kidnap your kids and a long history of being the most family-friendly console. So called.

Nintendo will dramatically transform Wii's image with the release of ultra violent video game MadWorld which, 'revolves around the themes of brutality and exhilaration', according to its creators.

That sounds fucking awesome.

Ever heard of a little title called "No More Heroes?" A game in which during the first five minutes of playing, the protagonist CUTS A MAN IN HALF - THE LONG WAY - WITH A GODDAMN LIGHTSABER. That was a pretty violent little number. Which came out in January of 2008.

Or how about Manhunt 2 in which one mimics the motion of stabbing someone? That was October of '07. That game is pretty violent.

Summary: violent stuff comes out, even on the precious bastion of purity that is the Wii in the quagmire of *duh duh duh*

Video. Games.

Players in the 'hack and slash' game, which is due for a UK release in early 2009, can impale enemies on road signs, rip out hearts and execute them with weapons including chainsaws and daggers.

Again, fucking awesome. Weird thing is, all this sounds like it was culled from the ~2:00 trailer for the game...

But they wouldn't drum up fear from a game they haven't played, would they? That's like me saying "'Tropic Thunder' will kill your wife, eat your babies and curb-stomp your dog" without seeing the film first.

Mediawatch-UK, Britains longest running pressure group campaigning for decency in TV, films and games, said MadWorld will 'spoil' the Wii.

Jason Cook - Cape Cod's longest running metacommenter on stupidity, said Mediwatch is sensationalist and ignorant.

Really now, "spoil the Wii?" They do know no one is forced to buy, open and play this game, right? In fact, I am sure it will receive an M rating just so our children can't get it easily.

I imagine this is like what happened when people didn't know anything about movies...

"Porn will spoil the movie industry!!"

John Beyer, director of Mediawatch-uk, said: 'This game sounds very unsavoury.

Tee hee, unsavoury. Next we'll have my favourite ice cream flavour!

'I hope the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) will view this with concern and decide it should not be granted a classification.

'Without that it cannot be marketed in Britain. What the rest of world does is up to them.We need to ensure that modern and civilized values take priority rather than killing and maiming people.

Values like "free speech" be damned. They do have that in the UK, right?

Nintendo's Wii has enjoyed phenomenal success as an innocent alternative to complex - and often violent - role play video games.

No More Heroes: Wii exclusive. Manhunt 2: uses Wii motion controls to realistically simulate murder. Resident Evil 4: zombie decapping fun for the whole family!

Violent games exist on the Wii. It's not just WiiSports/Fit, which the mainstream media (and presumably DAILY MAIL REPORTER who wrote this) clearly don't know.

With a repatoire of mostly sports games the basic graphics and easy-to-use motion sensor remotes have become hugely popular with young children and families.

*meeting at the Daily Mail newsroom*

Earl Wigglebottom, Editor of the Daily Mail: "I say Mr. Penniworth, the Wii by Nintendo is a delightful machine, capable of wondrous feats of merriment!"
Penniworth: "Cheers sir. But I have heard rumblings that there is a dreadful title on the horizon, one which threatens to ruin this joyous device."
EWEotDM: *spits tea* "Guffaw! Speak verily of this title in your latest article, the public must know of this menace."
Penniworth: "Cheerio sir." *tips bowler, twirls cane while walking away*

Of the Wii's top 50 scoring games on Metacritic.com (I know, a number of sports titles are probably near the bottom, but bear with me) a whopping eight of them could be considered sports titles. There are RPGs, platformers, third-person shooters, puzzle games, first-person shooters and every other genre under the sun on the Wii.

Daily Mail writers may want to "do research," "call people," "use the internet" or "have half a brain" prior to sitting down and writing. I heard that's what journalists do.

MadWorld is a third person game where players control a character called Jack in a virtual world called Varrigan City which is under siege by a group of terrorists known as The Organizers.

The alternative world has been turned into a twisted game show called Death Watch where citizens must kill one another to survive - and win.

That sounds like a fantastical premise that my non-existent seven-year old brother could parse from reality.

The action in MadWorld - developed by PlatinumGames and published by Sega exclusively for Nintendo - is entirely in black and white. The only other colour is red for all the blood.

Super non-realistic visuals to go along with an over-the-top-premise?

Number one threat to the UK - MadWorld.

Players use the Wii remote to control the violent on-screen actions as central character Jack executes his way through the game.

Thanks for telling me controllers control games. "Players use the Xbox 360 controller to control..."

I assume Mr. Penniworth's hope was that paranoid-stricken parents will read this as "Players will begin muscle memory for murder at an early age" but since it's unclear as to what level of motion control the game will have - a fact absent from this article - he can't say that. Damn those ethics I hear so much about.

Sean Ratcliffe, Vice President of Marketing, SEGA of America, Inc, said: 'MadWorld pushes the envelope with its extreme content but takes a step away from the dark and serious nature of most mature games.'

Sounds like a thoroughly responsible answer.

A spokesman from Nintendo, said:

Who shall remain nameless to insure our credibility scores stays at a solid zero.

'Wii appeals to a wide range of audiences from children and teenagers to adult and senior citizens, anyone from 5 - 95, as such there is a wide range of content for all ages and tastes available.

A responsible, logical answer.

'Mad World will be suitably age rated through the appropriate legal channels and thus only available to an audience above the age rating it is given'

Fucking monsters.

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