Wednesday, July 16, 2008

All-Star Game re-named "Mo Rivera Invitational"

The All-Star game was last night/this morning and I really wanted it to be a tie, just to see the mayhem that would have ensued. But alas, there was no rioting in the Big Apple.

If there's two things I was sure I would read today they would be a) What a game! and b) The Yankees are great. And the NY Post sure delivered - a brand of crazy nepotism, that is.

Rivera shines; Pap, Billy, wilt

Right off the bat I know this is going to be great. Let's go through the "Terrible article headline checklist" to see just how great:

Bashing rivals? Check.
Exaggeration? Check.
Finding the one local player who performed alright? Check.
Semicolon? Check.
Pun? Sadly, no.

From that headline I would assume Rivera struck out like five guys, including the best hitters on the NL squad, and maybe pitched two+ innings to get the save. Stay tuned to see if that's true!

The hero arrived at 11:27 p.m. to a rolling wave of camera flashes, the familiar chords of Enter Sandman and chants of "Mariano, Mariano."

And the game tied 3-3, insuring he would not get the save.

Mo Rivera showed up late, which was better than never. He earned a distinct save -

The kind that isn't a save.

for rescuing an otherwise rather drab All-Star Game. His looming presence brought context to an event that badly hungered for electricity.

This is just wrong. The All-Star Game was actually pretty damn exciting from like the seventh, on.

The NL took the lead in the eighth - the inning after JD Drew hit a two-run homer - on a sac fly. Then Tampa Bay rookie and rising star Evan Longoria tied the game in the bottom of the eighth with a double. Then they went like six more innings of plays at the plate, double plays, and Dan Uggla errors.

Pretty exciting to me.

But what will last longest now is a new level of hostility in The Rivalry.

Capitalized for life-and-fucking-death seriousness.

Because over the course of two days, Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon turned himself into the current-day John Rocker in New York.

Excuse me whilst I drop some internets lingo here: WTFROFLBBQ!

To recap: Rocker, an insane racist, said this about the fine people of NYC:

"[About riding the subway] next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing."

While Papelbon, slightly kooky closer for the Red Sox, said this:

"I'm making a statement right now, saying I don't want it, I want [Rivera] to have it. I said all that earlier, but that's the way I feel about it," Papelbon said.

Sherman say: Papelbon = Rocker.


This time he did not insult the city. He dissed an institution named Rivera by suggesting he, Papelbon, should pitch the ninth inning in an All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium rather than the guy who has forged the greatest closing career in history, mainly in this building.

Blasphemer! Doth he not know Mariano Rivera is The Closer of This Game?

Papelbon is a young, goofy, country bumpkin kind of dude. He was probably out of place showing the confidence he needs to be a closer when speaking about MARIANO RIVERA, but hey, he made it right at the end. See above.

Oh, and this: "I feel like I needed to be in a bullet-proof car," Papelbon said, according to the Web site. "My wife is pregnant and she's getting her life threatened. It's stupid."

You fuck with Rivera, you get the horns. Make your move Mrs. Papelbon...

He would have been better ripping the Statue of Liberty because all she has done with her right arm is hold up a torch,

That, and being an iconic representation of freedom and, to an extent, the entire fucking country.

which is not quite as impressive to the pinstriped section of town as what Rivera has down with his right arm.

Ya hear that Lady Liberty? Learn to throw a splittah, ya half-ass!

So when Papelbon joined the proceedings in the eighth inning he was not exactly doused with rose petals.

You're kidding. No really, I want evidence of this alleged "booing" from Yankee "fans" at the "All-Star Game."

He not only heard boos, but chants of Rivera's name and hoots of "Overrated." It brought a thrill to the crowd when he gave up the go-ahead

Unearned. You forgot about unearned!!!!

Dear NY Post editor,

I know you're busy looking for photos of A-rod coming out of a midget transvestite strip club or trying to get some manager fired, but I would just like to inform you of a mistake in Joel Sherman's "Mo's World" article.

Papelbon's run was unearned, a.k.a. not his fault.

Thanks for the correction you'll run with my name on it and good luck finding Maddona/A-rod pics!

Love, Jason Cook.

run to the NL. We can only assume it brought the kind of irritation to the Red Sox and their Nation that will make Boston-New York bubble anew when The Rivalry resumes next week at Fenway.

Actually, as a card-carryin, pink hat wearing, Rem-dawg loving member of RSN (what all of us call it), I couldn't have give less of a shit.

It was unearned. It's the All-Star Game. Who the hell cares? A NY writer trying to exact some revenge for being six games out of first and stoke a rivalry so he can get easy article material?

And in perhaps the last big event at the closing Yankee Stadium,

Cause God knows there ain't gonna be no playoff games there, amirite?!

there was a sweet touch for the 55,000 plus that the closers of the Yankees' two archrivals - the Red Sox and Mets - would wilt.

A-rod did jack. Jeter's best moment was giving jerseys to fans behind the dugout and leaving three guys on base. So yeah, there wasn't anything else they could celebrate. At least our enemies "failed!" In an exhibition game! That doesn't matter anyway, because the AL won!

It was all made sweeter when Rivera again offered his unflappable genius.

Unflappable genius, tag me.

He came on with one on and one out in the ninth inning, and struck out St. Louis' Ryan Ludwick and Cristian Guzman was pegged out trying to steal for an inning-ending double play.

So he K'ed a dude with 73 strikeouts this half of the season and did nothing to get the last out. Great job!

Rivera retreated to a dugout of All-Star high fives and fan love, but his work was not done.

He put runners on first and third with one out in the 10th.

What? The official scorer must have been high, Mo never gives up hits.

He was on the brink of reducing the sting slightly on Papelbon and Wagner - both big arms with feet in their mouth [sic]. But this is Mariano Rivera. He always is bigger than the biggest moment.

Shouldn't that be "mouths"?

So Rivera induced an inning-ending double play from Dan Uggla. Another standing ovation.

Who went 0-4 with three K's and has faced Rivera all of zero times in his career.

Rivera was long gone when more dull play reigned. This is what happens when the hero leaves.

Dull play =

- Bases loaded in the tenth for the AL, Carlos Quentin cut down at home by Christian Guzman, who has never played third.

- Dioner Navarro (not) thrown out at home in the eleventh trying to score from second.

- NL gets bases loaded in the twelfth off IBB to Tejada. Uggla and Adrian Gonzalez K to end the inning.

- Michael Young sac fly that resulted in a close play at the plate.

If it wasn't for Mariano "1-2/3 innings" Rivera, this game would have been awful.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Great post, I am almost 100% in agreement with you