Sunday, July 27, 2008

This is the last Manny response, I swear

This week, at least.

Pretty much every Boston sports writer is straining their hack muscles writing about Manny Ramirez.

"He's quit on the team!" "He's not a great hitter anymore!" "He is too fucking weird!"

That last one is probably true. The others, not so much.

But now, the truth: Manny is just not a "gamer."

In the series opener, the Sox simply could not put their best team on the field.

Oh, to be sure, there were gamers out there.

Odds that ... is mentioned

Dustin Pedroia - 1:5

Kevin Youkilis - 1:2

JD Drew - 100:1

Jon Lester (didn't pitch) - 5:1

Take, for instance, Dustin Pedroia.


The kid lacks the size and the speed to be a big-time big leaguer,

Also, skin pigment.

yet he is an All-Star and in pursuit of a batting title because he is a tough, determined sparkplug of a baseball player.

Jesus H. Christ.

Determined, sparkplug, balding, short tough-guy: .317/.363/.455 with 30 doubles, nine homers and a 28 BB/37 K rate.

How about he is an awesome fucking hitter? Why oh why can't 3'7" slow white guys be good hitters? There is no reason, because Pedroia is. Spare me all this anecdotal bullshit.

How about David Ortiz? He was so stressed out when the Red Sox were falling apart during the last days of the 2006 season that the club had to yank him out of the lineup and send him home to Boston for medical tests.

What the hell are you talking about? And who cares?

Kevin Youkilis? We now pretty much know Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain is going to aim a fastball at Youkilis’ head the next 100 times he faces him, just as we also know that Youk will be knocking people over to get to the plate for at-bat No. 101.

Because we all know non-gamers (let's call them "players") - players - just lay there after getting HBP, demanding to be taken out of the game and then sulking in the dugout instead of cheering on their team.

But the real fun did not begin until the Red Sox returned home to face the Yankees on Friday, at which time Manny took a look at Francona’s lineup card, saw his name there, and told bench coach Brad Mills, “Um, no.”

The enraged Red Sox called Manny’s bluff and sent him out for MRIs on both knees. Surprise, surprise: The tests came back negative. That’s when the Sox whispered the D word - discipline - and that’s when Manny caved.

Alas, it was too late for the suckers, er, fans, who paid top dollar for Friday’s game.

Those suckers - getting to see an exciting 1-0 contest between bitter rivals.

Sucker #1: "I paid to see MANNY! Not a great baseball game featuring a team I love!"

Sucker #2: "Manny's not playing?" *ties noose to hang self*

The Sox came up empty in seven innings against the hard-throwing Chamberlain, losing 1-0, and we’ll never know if Ramirez, hitting .487 during an 11-game hitting streak, might have made a difference.

He sucks at hitting, so who cares? He probably would have let three strikes go by in the ninth, just to make a point. And .487 during 11 games? Take that shit elsewhere, there's no room for facts here.

You were ripped off, Red Sox fans. And you have a right to ask for your money back.

If you paid for this Herald, that is.

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