Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Now for something completely different

How about making fun of an asinine article about the console wars?


OK, I'll bite. There is absolutely no way Mrs. Wells can prove this. None. The only argument one can make for who is "winning" (after a little more than a year, which is moronic) is Nintendo (pure sales) and/or Microsoft (absurd amount of money they make online). That's it. Sure, Sony has a really, really good chance to win when all is said and done, but right now, they're in third.

Forget the analysts.


Forget the NPD sales figures.


Forget the CEO’s.

Alright, I'll forget them, because they'll probably lie.

I live with the ultimate expert on the video game industry—my 16-year-old son.

Oh dear God.

Unless little Jimmy Wells owns all three major consoles, every handheld, a high-end PC, subscribes to every gaming publication, religiously reads video game blogs and has access to economic studies and sales figures, I fucking doubt it.

Oh, he does? Let's hear it then!

He not only plays video games,


he watches every show about them on G4, he participates in chat rooms about them on the internet, he competes in a variety of games on a variety of platforms.

Funny, I do too. Does that make me an expert? Yes? Awesome. PS3 SUXORZ!!!11!!!111!

He always tells me the latest trend three months before I read about it in the media.

This sounds impressive, but the mainstream media is generally way behind on things people actually enjoy, so this is no surprise. I still see features on the Nintendo Wii and how old people/girls/people with diseases love it and how it's "motion controller is so great because it gets you off the couch, you fat pig!"

But he’s never been a PlayStation fan. Sure, he had a PS1, but as soon as the Xbox came out, it was game over.

So that whole "variety of platforms" thing was kind of, oh, I don't know, a lie?

He loved the Xbox graphics, and once he was old enough to play “Halo,”

Always old enough. Funny, "Halo" is rated M for Mature by the ESRB. That means 17+. For shame!

he loved the games. He graduated to the Xbox 360, Xbox Live, “Gears of War,” etc. He even hung in there during the overheating Xbox “red ring of death” phase. Other than a two-year detour/obsession playing “World of Warcraft” on his computer, he has always been an Xbox fanboy. Sony just didn’t have great games.

What. The. Fuck.

Sony didn't have great games? The PS2 is regarded as one of the best systems ever. Exhibit A: They still make games for it!

Some exclusives (and their gamerankings.com aggregate review scores) the PS2 had that I am sure Mrs. Wells, nor her FPS-loving, idiot son has ever heard of: Final Fantasy X (91.4), XI (85.2, but that was a dumb MMO), XII (91.0), Metal Gears 2 (94.8) and 3 (91.4), God of War 1 (93.2) and 2 (92.5), Okami (92.7), Shadow of the Colossus (91.5), Ratchet and Clank: Up Your Arsenal (91.5) and Going Commando (90.5) and plenty others.

Now the Xbox did have some awesome exclusives - including the aformentioned Halo and it's sequel, Ninja Gaiden 1 & 2, and the Splinter Cell series - but the sheer numbers support the PS2. Of the top 50 reviewed games, Sony's machine has a whooping 45 with a 90 percent or better. The Xbox: 22 out of 50.

The PS2 did have a year on the Xbox, but it's really not a discussion as to what system was better.

Last week he recorded all of G4’s E3 coverage so he could watch it after work (he’s got a summer job to save money to buy gas and videogames, in that order). He was very excited after Microsoft had its news conference. “You can stream Netflix movies onto the Xbox 360!” he exclaimed.

Then he must know you can do roughly the same thing on the PS3 as well!

Then he watched the Sony press conference, and the world as we know it changed.

A little overdramatic (does she work for Sony?), but whatever.

After hearing about “Metal Gear Solid 4”,

Over a month after it had been released. Way to stay on top of trends, Jimmy.

Update: After reading one of the e-mails (from presumably smart gamers) that brings up this same point, Wells responds with this:

Note from Jane: he knew about the game, he just wasn't sold on buying it... as for proof of Sony winning, here's part of an AP report from last week: "Sony Corp.'s PlayStation 3 bested Microsoft Corp.'s Xbox 360 console in June. The PS3 sold 405,500 units compared with just 219,800 for the Xbox 360. The higher PS3 sales were fueled by the launch of the highly anticipated 'Metal Gear Solid 4,' which is available exclusively for Sony's console. The game sold 774,600 copies, not including those bundled with the PS3."

Maybe if he had a PS2 and had played the Metal Gear series, he would have been sold on it. But he just heard that it's "awesome" and needed to buy it to be cool, even though he never played the series before and won't understand 99 percent of what's going on story-wise. But there is shooting!

And so much for "forget the NPD sales figures." For one month. Directly correlated with the release of an ace title. Hypocrite.

as well as other PlayStation exclusives in the pipeline and the awesomeness of Blu-ray, he promptly packed up his Xbox 360 and all his games and went down to Game Stop to trade them in. He bought a PS3 and “Metal Gear Solid 4.” I had to be there to approve the purchase of the M-rated game since he’s not yet 17,

Good parenting Mrs. Let Your Son Play Multiple M-Rated Games Online With Strangers Who Swear Like Sailors And Are Racist/Bigots/Douchebags.

and I was surprised at how rapturous the Game Stop employees were about Sony. They then sold him a USED copy of “Metal Gear Solid 4.”

Because that's how they steal money.

“How can the game already be used?” my son asked. “Because some people get frustrated if they don’t have ‘cheats’,” he was told.

He was lied to then. There's a little site called GameFAQS.com that provides detailed walkthroughs and "cheats" for even the newest games. Jimmy may want to get on that trend so he can stop getting tea-bagged in Halo 3.

I bet someone just stayed up all night and beat the game, then returned for their $20 and cried themselves to sleep for feeding the pirates that are the Gamestop conglomorate. But that doesn't sound as cool as "they didn't have the 'cheats.'" And they'd probably get fired.

But the cashier assured him that the game “was just as good as new.” My son asked, “How can that be?” “Because PlayStation players are ninjas!” was the response.

Mr. Game Stop employee thought "If this dumbass bought that cheat line, he's gotta buy this." But not so fast!

I’m happy to say my son didn’t accept this answer. Perhaps that’s because he’s now spending his own hard-earned money to purchase these games. He said, “Seriously, how does that work?” And the Game Stop fanboys

Wells' definition of fanboy is somewhat muddled. In this usage, the employees at Game Stop are fanboys of Game Stop, i.e. they defend it to the death and berate other game retailers - of which there are few/none.

explained that Sony now has a special coating on Blu-ray game discs which makes them virtually scratch-proof. We shall see.

I have never heard this. My guess: Another lie to innocent little Jimmy.

As we left the store, I said to him, “I never thought I’d see you with a PlayStation.” “Neither did I,” he replied.

As the article ended, I said to myself, "I never thought I'd see an article so dumb about video games." "Neither did I," myself replied.

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