Not hustling negates everything great you do

You guessed it, this is about Manny.

I await the torrent of bird-brained articles in the coming hours with baited breath, but the Dugout Central has given me this little nugget:

What is so bad now that has Manny not hustling? This lack of hustle and work ethic, regardless of his career numbers, is inexcusable. For those who think that it doesn’t matter, you are DEAD WRONG.

All of the positives that Manny brings to the field are negated by any single instance of non-hustle or possible self sabotage that he might have had for the Red Sox.

No matter how well he hits, you cannot take the chance that Manny, in an instance of “defiance”, will not run hard down the first baseline possibly costing you a game. Or the playoffs. Or the World Series.

Line breaks and color mine. That fuscia part is grade A certified, FDA approved bullshit.

Here's a theortical choice, one in which Mr. Thomas Wayne must pick player B.

Player A's absurd line: .412 average/97 homers/240 RBI with a 2.012 OPS. Doesn't RUN OUT GROUNDERS SOMETIMES.

Player B's line: .012 average in 600+ PA/0 homers/21 RBI (all sac hits) with a 0.300 OPS. Runs out every grounder and hugs his teammates.

Bring it Wayne's Groundout Runners. Me and my Hall of Fame Hitters Who Are Kinda Sorta Lazy During Inconsequential Plays will kick your ass!

Also, let me paint a situation in which not running out a grounder at first will cost a team the World Series:

It's game seven of the World Series between the Manny-energized Dodgers and upstart Tampa Bay Rays (ratings a go-go!). It's the bottom of the ninth, tied 5-5. Manny comes to the plate with runners on first and third and one out. Johnathan Broxton looks in to deliver the pitch, praying for a double play. He knows Manny won't hustle, so it's not out the realm of possibility. He goes to the set, and lets one fly. Manny eyes it and swings mightily...

It's a home run! The Dodgers win! All thanks to Manny "Everyday I'm Hustlin'" Ramirez!

See. It'll never fucking happen. Ever.

This is the last Manny response, I swear

This week, at least.

Pretty much every Boston sports writer is straining their hack muscles writing about Manny Ramirez.

"He's quit on the team!" "He's not a great hitter anymore!" "He is too fucking weird!"

That last one is probably true. The others, not so much.

But now, the truth: Manny is just not a "gamer."

In the series opener, the Sox simply could not put their best team on the field.

Oh, to be sure, there were gamers out there.

Odds that ... is mentioned

Dustin Pedroia - 1:5

Kevin Youkilis - 1:2

JD Drew - 100:1

Jon Lester (didn't pitch) - 5:1

Take, for instance, Dustin Pedroia.

Bam!

The kid lacks the size and the speed to be a big-time big leaguer,

Also, skin pigment.

yet he is an All-Star and in pursuit of a batting title because he is a tough, determined sparkplug of a baseball player.

Jesus H. Christ.

Determined, sparkplug, balding, short tough-guy: .317/.363/.455 with 30 doubles, nine homers and a 28 BB/37 K rate.

How about he is an awesome fucking hitter? Why oh why can't 3'7" slow white guys be good hitters? There is no reason, because Pedroia is. Spare me all this anecdotal bullshit.

How about David Ortiz? He was so stressed out when the Red Sox were falling apart during the last days of the 2006 season that the club had to yank him out of the lineup and send him home to Boston for medical tests.

What the hell are you talking about? And who cares?

Kevin Youkilis? We now pretty much know Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain is going to aim a fastball at Youkilis’ head the next 100 times he faces him, just as we also know that Youk will be knocking people over to get to the plate for at-bat No. 101.

Because we all know non-gamers (let's call them "players") - players - just lay there after getting HBP, demanding to be taken out of the game and then sulking in the dugout instead of cheering on their team.

But the real fun did not begin until the Red Sox returned home to face the Yankees on Friday, at which time Manny took a look at Francona’s lineup card, saw his name there, and told bench coach Brad Mills, “Um, no.”

The enraged Red Sox called Manny’s bluff and sent him out for MRIs on both knees. Surprise, surprise: The tests came back negative. That’s when the Sox whispered the D word - discipline - and that’s when Manny caved.

Alas, it was too late for the suckers, er, fans, who paid top dollar for Friday’s game.

Those suckers - getting to see an exciting 1-0 contest between bitter rivals.

Sucker #1: "I paid to see MANNY! Not a great baseball game featuring a team I love!"

Sucker #2: "Manny's not playing?" *ties noose to hang self*

The Sox came up empty in seven innings against the hard-throwing Chamberlain, losing 1-0, and we’ll never know if Ramirez, hitting .487 during an 11-game hitting streak, might have made a difference.

He sucks at hitting, so who cares? He probably would have let three strikes go by in the ninth, just to make a point. And .487 during 11 games? Take that shit elsewhere, there's no room for facts here.

You were ripped off, Red Sox fans. And you have a right to ask for your money back.

If you paid for this Herald, that is.

And the Manny hate train keeps on chugging

This time, Tony Massarotti of the Boston Herald is the culprit. Channeling the spirit of Shaughnessy, Massarotti is the latest writer to run a first ballot Hall of Fame hitter out of Boston.

Until now, Manny Ramirez had the talent to offset the attitude. But the simple truth today is that he is overplaying his hand.

I was under the impression that the term "overplaying his hand" meant giving away too much information. But here, it's used instead of the phrase "living off his reputation" or something like that. It's also not really true.

Entering this weekend’s series with the New York Yankees, despite having played as many games as any Sox player but Dustin Pedroia, Ramirez did not lead the team in runs scored, walks or, most importantly, RBI.

RBIs are dumb. That would be like if I measured your writing performance by ABI (articles batted in). You get an ABI if your article is published after one by Steve Buckley or Jeff Horrigan. Your pay is based on the amount of ABIs you get and when you do bad, Manny Ramirez will write an article about trading you.

Sound good?

Manny is also second on the team in walks (50 to 59, behind the now loved JD Drew), third in runs and second in RBI. What a piece of trash. I think Massorotti read this recently.

He did not rank in the top 20 in the major leagues in homers (19, 23rd), RBI (62, 24th) or slugging percentage (.530, 27th), all of which supports an interesting paradox.

Wow. He doesn't rank (by a super slim margin) in a random number you picked? And since you love team ranks, he's tied for first on the team in homers and third on the team in slugging - which I am surprised you know about, it being a nerd stat and all.

As a player, Ramirez is aging.

A wild fact approaches!

It means Ramirez’ skills are deteriorating and his attitude is as rotten as ever, and it means the Red Sox don’t need to find a Hall of Fame-caliber player to replace him anymore because Ramirez no longer is a Hall of Fame-caliber player.

This argument is idiotic. Did the Giants look for a HOF-caliber player to replace Bonds? Did Greg Maddux command a HOF-type player in return for his services? 99 percent of the time, when HOF bound players are past their prime, it would be completely foolish to expect a "Hall of Fame-caliber" player in return.

Hey Cardinals, how about Manny for Pujols straight up? They're both Hall of Fame bound. Huh? Huh?

Truth be told, none of that is news. What is news is this: MARz [this is the HILARIOUS acronym Massorotti gave to Manny. Get it? It's almost Mars! The red planet?! Aliens are from there!!] isn’t one of the truly elite hitters in the game anymore.

This is probably true. But no one with a brain thinks he's "truly elite" anymore. But he makes a sick L/R combo with Ortiz and I'd rather "overpay" him than Carlos Delgado or Gary Sheffield.

Take away the first 19 games of this season

No. Those games happened during the season.

(after that feel-good, deeply philosophical spring) and MARz entered yesterday batting .290 with 13 home runs and 42 RBI in his past 76 games, the equivalent of about a half-season.

~.300/26-30/85-100 sucks!

During that same period of time, he had been outproduced by such luminaries as Adam LaRoche, Hunter Pence, James Loney, Cody Ross, David DeJesus, Bengie Molina, Jorge Cantu and even David Murphy.

Now I don't know what measures Massorotti used to define "outperforming" (I am going to assume "running out ground outs" and "sac bunts" were high on the list) but I am going to use OPS, OPS+ and WARP3.

I am going to include those 19 games - mainly because I am not a dick and those games still count in the stat books.

Manny: .922/140/7.5
Pence: .735/92/4.3
LaRoche: .814/114/5.1
Loney: .823/112/5.3
Ross: .810/112/5.6
DeJesus: .819/116/5.9
Molina: .734/92/5.3
Cantu: .832/120/6.8
Murphy: .780/107/5.2

So yeah, he has like 100 points of OPS (which I think even Massarotti can understand is good), is actually fairly an above average MLB player (which is a 100 OPS+) - unlike nearly every one of these players - and is almost two wins more valuable than all but Cantu.

Proof is fun!

The obvious issue now is that Ramirez no longer is a historic run producer, though clearly, nobody has told him. He continues to act as if he invented the RBI.

I like to picture Manny sitting in his mansion on an old leather chair, wearing a smoking jacket, partaking in a particularly fine brandy and looking over his BABIP and LD%, laughing as people still hold RBI on a pedestal.

Again: RBIs are stupid, they are nearly 100 percent teammate/position in the line up reliant. Stop it. Please.

The decision doesn’t look like much of a decision at all.

And here’s the astonishing thing:

It might have as much to do with baseball as anything else.

I have no problem with the Red Sox cutting ties with Manny. If they can get an Adam Dunn or a Jason Bay or a Matt Holliday, I would be thrilled (although, at least in the case of Holliday, they will cost just as much).

But this will not be a baseball decision. This will be the front office caving to a suffocating amount of media pressure and witch hunting.

"He may have pushed an old man! Get him!"

"He fumbled around in the outfield once! Burn him alive!"

"He doesn't run out ground outs every once and a while! Heretic!"

The dude is one of 15 outfielders in MLB with a .900 OPS. With Ortiz back, his numbers will go up.

Step the fuck off.

Speculation, bunk, hooey, tomfoolery and shenanigans: just another Shaughnessy offering

What in God's name would Dan Shaughnessy (and every Boston sports writer) do without Manny Ramirez? Cry? Cower under their desks? Actually write thoughtful pieces? The horror!

Curly Headed Boyfriend now apparently knows - for an iron-clad fact - that Ramirez is done with the Red Sox. This is not an opinion. This appears in the sports section. Of a newspaper.

NOW HE'S A GUARANTEED OUT

Pretty brash title. I hope he can back it up with multiple quotes, sources and preferably the man (or his agent) himself.

***Spoiler alert***

He can't.

The Red Sox have had it with Manny Ramírez.

Manny has punched his ticket out of town. It's over. O-VA. Adios, amigo. Good night, Irene. Turn out the lights. Last night's 1-0 loss to the Yankees (think they could have used Manny?) was the proverbial last worthless evening.

Take your worthless .301/.402/.530 with 19 homers (one shy of last year's total, when everything was cool because they won the World Series) and 62 RBI. I don't want 'em!

Ramírez sealed his fate with the club yesterday afternoon. After longtime enabler Terry Francona filled out a lineup card with Manny batting fourth, the Sox made an announcement that Manny could not play in the biggest game of the season.

A July game against the Yankees. Who are in third.

Former state treasurer Bob Crane happened by the EMC Club, pregame, and spoke for many fans when he said, "Manny's got to go. Enough's enough. Fans are finally sick of this guy."

You know who is sick of this guy? Morons. Morons are. The WEEI crowd. Ye olde timey media.

Most fans still love him, goofiness and all. It doesn't bother me at all that he took off a meaningless game against Seattle (and the frightening Felix Hernandez). Yeah losing 1-0 without him sucked, but who the hell am I to question a 36-year-old's injured knee?

I'll take his .932 OPS, 36.9 VORP (best on the team and top 15 in MLB) if it means he takes some games off and is kind of a weirdo.

Call me a cynic. Call me a nitwit.

Done and done.

Whatever. I'm comfortable with the theory that Manny is using his alleged knee injury to send a message to the ball club. We don't know why. We never know why. Manny shut it down in 2006 and he's toying with the Red Sox again. In the middle of a pennant race. It is despicable. And the front office and his teammates are burning. Off the record, of course.

Off the record, of course, so I have no way of proving any of this. By the way, aliens exist, 9-11 was an inside job and Bigfoot is in my living room.

Ramírez had an MRI yesterday and it was clean. This time, the Sox plan to do something about this situation. Soon.

According to whom, exactly? And the MRI was after the game, not before. Might wanna include that.

Ramírez was in the throes of an 11-game hitting streak (.487, 11 for 39) when he showed up at Safeco Field in Seattle Wednesday and told Francona he could not play and could not pinch hit. It was odd.

Felix Hernandez? The alignment of the planets? His fortune telling dog told him to? A routine day off is my guess though.

Something's got to give. The owners are mad. The manager is frustrated. The GM is frustrated. Teammates are angry.

This is all baseless editorializing. Where are the quotes from Lowell saying, "I just don't like the way he carries himself." Or Youkilis saying, "He punched me, that guy is a dick."

Even with sycophants who excuse everything, Manny may have finally exhausted his reservoir of goodwill. He quit on the team in 2006 and now it looks like he's quitting again. Is that OK with you, Red Sox Nation?

"Quitting" in 2006: .321/35/102 with a 1.058 OPS.

Seems to be trying to me.

Manny's snit comes after he flattened 64-year-old traveling secretary Jack McCormick over a ticket allotment in Houston.

Killed him, actually. In fact they needed dental records to I.D. the poor old man.

It comes after he ripped ownership for allegedly lying to him in contract negotiations.

Seems OK to get mad about something concerning your upcoming $20 million dollars.

It comes after he was rebuked by Henry. It comes after his giggle-fest when he played a popup into a triple while the Sox were being swept in Anaheim.

Ramirez took a bad route on a ball? NO. WAY. Outfielders make shitty plays every once and while. Deal with it.

This might be a poor read of the tea leaves by Manny. He is not as valuable as he was. For $20 million (club option for 2009 and again in 2010) the ball club can expect to do better than .301 with 19 homers and 61 RBIs after 104 games.

And that top 15 VORP. That's pretty good. Ahead of guys like Braun, Wright and Uggla.

And that shitty .301/19/61 after 104 games? He'd still end with like ~.300/30/100. Which is pretty damn good, even for lame stats like those.

Stat geeks, take note: Manny's OPS is down the last two years. By a lot.

Don't tempt the "stat geeks" CHB. I don't know where you're looking, but here's his OPS from '06-'08: 1.058, .881, .932

So way up, down, and back up again.

His career OPS is .999, which is awesome. He'll be below that, but not by that much. And he's 36. If he can OPS in .900s into 38 - which I think he can - that's pretty valuable. There are currently 14 OFers in MLB (six in the AL) with an OPS above .900.

Sox management is at the end of its long rope. This has been an interesting and rewarding eight years, but Manny is acting out in a decidedly unflattering fashion. Red Sox owners have had enough. There will be meetings with the slugger in the next few days. Something has to happen.

The Yankees beat the Red Sox, 1-0, last night to close within one game of Boston in the loss column. It was supposed to be the magical night of the return of David Ortiz. Instead, it was another ridiculous night in Mannyland.

Stay tuned. The manager and the owners have had enough.

They've had it. Enough. Enough of it, they've had. Had it? Yup, enough, thanks.

This is all from CHB's brain, nothingmore. Other than a few "no comment" quotes. But CHB can intuit what Sox brass is thinking, feeling. This ability gives him the power to write fact-free columns that are essentially opinons and get away with it.

For all our sake let's hope Manny sticks around, just to piss off Shaughnessy.

Warm, limp football myths

For a site with the word "facts" in it, coldhardfootballfacts.com doesn't strike me as very factual. Perusing the front page I see "Most Overrated" (which promises to "bitch-slap hype") and "Underrated" quarterbacks articles, two phenomena that cannot actually be measured.

Also, gaze upon this from the "Icy Issues" for the AFC South: "But those are just the anecdotes. Consider the Cold, Hard Football Facts: the AFC South combined to go 42-22 (.656) last season, the best record ever by an entire division.

"Manning is still only 32 and still in the brief window of prime performance age for a quarterback. He’d give even a bad team a fighting chance each week. And the Colts are hardly a bad team."

So one fact followed by three more anecdotes? I'm sold.

Naturally, SI.com picked up CHFF writer Kerry J. Byrne's article because (duh) it's about how Bill Belichick sucks at life.

And it makes little sense. That always helps.

I couldn't bookmark this site fast enough in a folder with the NY Post, Boston.com and others as "Dumb sports sites."

BILL BELICHICK'S LEGACY NEEDS A HUG

This title is awful. In the copy editing room I would say "Mr. (?) Byrne, you can't hug a legacy." At least SI changed it to the better - if hyperbolic - "Disputing Belichick's legacy as defensive god."

Bill Belichick’s legacy cracked apart last year like the lobster claws at a Gillette Stadium tailgate.

The trouble should have come as no surprise. After all, the flaws in his game have been simmering for the better part of the 21st century. They finally boiled over in the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XLII, spoiling what should have been the greatest celebratory feast in New England since 1621.

You had me at lobsters, you lost 90 percent of your readers at the Boston Tea Party [Update: This is apparently a Thanksgiving joke. See, he even lost me] joke.

And it's not really "his game" as much as it is his player's game.

Instead, the cracks in Belichick’s legacy have everything to do with what’s transpired on NFL football fields over the last several years as he stalked the sidelines. Let's put it this way: when your defense surrenders a gruesome 54 fourth-quarter points in four Super Bowls, as Belichick's defenses have done, it will tend tarnish a rep here and there.

Let me do some quick math here, hold on. Carry the one...move the decimal. OK, that comes out to 13.5/fourth quarter. Now that doesn't look great or terrible, but context is everything. What if the Pats were up eight TDs in the fourth? Or they (gasp) got tired? Or offenses adjusted? Or the refs blew some calls? Or a hundred other things?

I would guess that a vast majority of teams allow more points in the fourth than they do in other quarters. It just makes sense. But Belichick's legacy is tarnished because his stinky three-time Super Bowl winning teams allow some points in the fourth quarter.

Still, Belichick has been considered the singular defensive “genius” of his generation. Some "pundits" even argued, right up until about 10 p.m. on Feb. 3, that he was the greatest coach of all time. Raise your hand if heard that one in the run-up to the Super Bowl? Anyone? Anyone?

That’s right. We see ya. We heard it, too.

I'm confused. Generally, when writing something "humorous" (I am an expert) the "Anyone? Anyone?" technique is to be used in a sarcastic manner, as to look for an answer that will never come. But then the "That's right..." business comes in an just clubs me over the noodle.

I mean Belichick is at least in the conversation of greatest coach of all-time, right? I mean the league prides itself of parity and the man - along with a talented bunch of players and a great owner - won 75 percent of the Super Bowls in a four-year span. That's nuts.

But enough anecdotes, back to the facts!

Belichick is still a great coach, ... But the savory flavor of the Belichick legacy has been soured by on-the-field issues too large to ignore.

In fact, if he fails to win another Super Bowl, Belichick might not be remembered for the three championships in four years. Instead, he might only be remembered for what might have been. He might be remembered for ...

You're kidding, right? This is some kind of elaborate joke in which the domain coldhardfootballfacts.com is actually registered to Candid Camera and my expression-less response as I read this joke article by a Candid Camera intern will be featured on national TV for all to ridicule?

"Might not be remembered for three (3) Super Bowls in four (4) years." Read that again. I'll copy/paste it for you: "Might not be remembered for three (3) Super Bowls in four (4) years."

You could stop reading now and I would understand.

1. The big-game defensive implosions

Despite his reputation as a defensive master-mind, Belichick’s defenses have habitually reserved their worst performances for the biggest moments in the biggest games.

Here we go. A site, with the word "facts" in it's address, is calling out Belichick's defenses in the "big games." Regular season games? Fuck those. They don't matter. Other playoff games? Get OUT OF HERE! Any of the not five games you're about to read about? They were never played!

Coach BeliOctoberchick is what they should call him!

NE Patriots points/game defense ranks from 2000-2007:

17, 6, 17, 1, 2, 17, 2, 4.

So three "meh"s and five "fucking awesome"s.

In fact, Belichick has overseen some of the greatest defensive catastrophes in modern NFL history, a series of gridiron Hindenburgs that explode live on national television year after year as all of New England cries out for humanity. Consider these fourth-quarter debacles:

This is some pretty good writing. Comparing defensive metldowns to an American tragedy? Not the most tactful route, but well-written. Although there seem to be quite a few metaphors...

As a Pats fan (which clearly Byrne is not) I remember one terrible, infuriating defensive collapse: the Colts in '06. I could not be spoken to for like an hour after that.

Super Bowl XXXVI (Patriots 20, Rams 17) – Hardly a colossal breakdown, but the cracks began to show in the Belichick legacy – ironically – at the furious end of this, his greatest triumph. The Patriots held the Greatest Show on Turf to 3 points through three quarters.

That Rams team was 14-2, had the number one offense in both yards and points and the number seven ranked defense in points (third in yards). Marshall Faulk had 2000+ yards of total offense, Kurt Warner threw 36 TDs, they had two 1,000 yard receivers. The Rams scored 503 fucking points in the regular season - over 31/game. They scored 45 and 29 in their playoff games. They were favored by 14 in the Super Bowl.

I think it goes without saying but, the 2001 Rams were a juggernaut. And the shitty-ass Patriots let them score 17 whole points. And 14 in the fourth! Are you kidding? BeliOctoberchick should give that trophy back.

At one point, it even looked like a rout: a fumble return for a TD by New England defensive back Tebucky Jones would have given the Patriots a 24-3 lead late in the third quarter. But the play was overturned by a penalty against – you guessed it – Belichick’s defense.

Assbags.

The Rams stormed back, scoring two fourth-quarter touchdowns – following their two longest drives of the game (55 yards and 77 yards) – to force a tie with 90 seconds to play. If not for the typical Tom Brady heroics, leading the only walk-off scoring drive in Super Bowl history in just his 17th NFL start, this game might be remembered only for New England’s defensive collapse.

Let's say the Pats lose. The story in the NE papers would be something like "Pats put up fight, lose close one." Lines like "it was theirs for the taking" and "let one slip away" would be there, sure. But they held maybe the best offense ever to 17 points in the goddamn Super Bowl. That they were two TD dogs in.

Super Bowl XXXVIII (Patriots 32, Panthers 29)

This one was ugly defensively. I'll concede here.

2004 AFC title game (Patriots 41, Steelers 27) – A pigskin portent of things to come reared its head here in the 2004 AFC title tilt. It was the coldest game in Steelers franchise history. Yet the Patriots offense made a mockery of the weather and Pittsburgh’s No. 1 defense and largely controlled the game.

The weather shit - who cares?


I looked at the box score. The Pats were up 24-3 at the half. Safe to say they felt they had the thing won going into the third. They then went up 31-10. Can you really call this a "defensive collapse?" I'd call it "Hey guys, rest up for the goddamn Super Bowl!"

Super Bowl XXXIX (Patriots 24, Eagles 21) – Everybody remembers Philly quarterback Donovan McNabb heaving on the field in the late moments of the game. ... Belichick’s defense did hold up its end of the bargain, though, picking off passes on two of Philly’s other fourth-quarter drives. But the outcome was still in doubt when the physically ill QB shredded the Patriots defense for a late fourth-quarter TD.

That Philly passing attack was bonkers, by the way. McNabb - whose sick excuse may or may not be true - threw 31 TDs and 8 INTs . Terrell Owens caught 14 TDs, 1200 yards and played the Super Bowl on a busted wheel, still killing the Pats.

I am beginning to see a theme here. Good teams make it to Super Bowls.

Also: held them to 21 points.

2006 AFC title game (Colts 38, Patriots 34) – Indy’s victory in the 2006 AFC championship game begets a simple question: 'Can you be a defensive genius when your defense suffers the greatest meltdown on American soil since Three Mile Island?'

Yes?

It's the best QB ever, playing at home in a dome. Weird shit happens sometimes. As a retort I give you

NE 20 IND 3

The game where the Patriots defense played so ferociously the NFL had to change the rules so it wouldn't happen again. That Indy team was number one in scoring and number two in yards on offense. They also paced the league in bitching and were second in moaning, behind the Steelers.

Big. Game. Imp. Los. Ion. S. They're all Belichick knows, really.

We think even Ray Charles could see a pattern here, folks: despite the legend, Belichick’s defenses routinely collapse in the late stages of the biggest games of the year.

In the five examples we picked, four of which were wins and two of which the teams were held to 21 or less, which I call good in the playoffs.

Here is a Cold Hard Fact: In the their Super Bowl years ('01, '03, '04, '07) the Patriots have allowed 17.0 points/game in the playoffs.

Some perspective - the number one team in scoring defense on '07 (Indy) allowed 16.4 points/game.

I'll take 17.0 points per, thanks. But they weren't the "big games" - a.k.a the five we picked that supported our argument.

We could have included Super Bowl XLII among the many other times a Belichick defense wilted like week-old lettuce when the game mattered most.

But Super Bowl XLII deserves to stand alone.

After all, New England’s collapse in this game was so historic, so massive, so colossal, that it joins the Great Wall of China as the only man-made objects that can be seen from space.

If one (uno) play (of maybe five) turns out different, the Pats win that game.

The helmet catch. The dropped pick on the sideline. Eli Manning running perpendicular to the ground, avoiding a sack to get the helmet catch throw off. If one (1) of those plays goes the Pats way, they win. Done. Fuck everyone, we're the evil empire.

From those paragraphs you'd think the Pats gave up 140 points. The score was 17-14. Shut up.

But also remember that, with the Super Bowl on the line, with the first 19-0 season on the line, with football immortality on the line, and with the biggest audience in American sporting history as witness, Belichick’s defense crumbled faster than the French Army in 1940.

There are so many similes/metaphors in this article (14, including Joe Theismann's tibia, Amelia Earhart, Sherman's army and the Great Wall of China) that I am going to be sicker than McNabb in the Super Bowl 39!!!!

Mailing it in, defined

Want to know the secret to being a writer for ESPN?

Articles like this.

In all reality, Jeffri Chadiha's article is "10 players that are good in the NFL" but with the buzz word-y "indispensables."

MVPs you say? Shut up, Chadiha says. Tough to write you say (sarcastically)? You bet your ass it is, Chadiha says.

After going through a bunch of painfully obvious names (Tom Brady?! Peyton Manning?!!?!?!?), Chadiha avoids smacking his head on the shallow side of the pool by diving off the deep end.

5. Antonio Gates, TE, San Diego

As Chadiha explains, you know who isn't on this list? LaDainian Fucking Tomlinson. The best player in football. The reason?

Before his [Gates'] career took off in 2004, the Chargers were arguably the worst team in the league, one that featured Tomlinson. But they've been in the playoffs three times since 2004, with a passing game built around his talents.

Ohhhh, so:
Tomlinson's Chargers = Worst team in football
Gates' Chargers = Playoffs
Conclusion: Tomlinson sucks, Gates is heavenly!

The year before they were an admittedly bad 4-12, they were a respectable 8-8. I also like the masking phrase "before his career took off in 2004." He was on the shitty 4-12 team! And played 15 games with 24 catches (third on the team, behind LDT's insane 100) and 389 yards!

"But that wasn't the Gates I know," said Chadiha.

Look, Gates is a great TE and probably like the fourth of fifth most important player on the Chargers (LDT, Rivers, Merriman, Castillo seem more important to me). But seriously, no Tomlinson? For that stupid-ass reason?

And my favorite:

10. Eli Manning, QB, Giants

Talk about a guy who came of age in a relatively short time last season. Manning started 2007 with people wondering if he could become a more effective leader and he ended it with the Lombardi Trophy in his grasp. I've now stopped wondering whether he'll ever be the prolific passer that his brother is, primarily because it doesn't matter. He's showed the world he can win in his own way and it's hard to imagine another Giant who belongs on this list over him.

I have no direct response to this, it's just an awesome cause and effect.

Before season: Eli blows (?)

During season: Eli kinda sucks

After season: Eli is awesome!!!

The only thing that changed is he "won" the Super Bowl. He is still the same mediocre to slightly above average QB.

Stats, let me show you them:

'07 Super Freakin' Bowl Champ Giants: fourteenth in NFL in offense, twenty-first in passing offense.
Manning - 56% completion/23 TD/20 INT/3336 YDS/73.9 QB rating.

'06 Crappy 8-8 Giants: eleventh in team offense, nineteenth in passing.
Manning - 57% completion/24 TD/18 INT/3244 YDS/77.0 QB rating.

I mean, to me, it looks like '06 Manning was slightly better than the '07 model. But the '07 Giants were 10-6, two whole games better than the '06 team! They won their playoff games by a combined 20 points, or 5.0/game! DOM.I.NATION. All because of the great Eli Manning. He's a winner, a champ. Gimme him over Carson No Ring On The Finger Palmer any day.

I hope Curly Headed Boyfriend is kidding

Because if not, he's full of doo-doo.

Maybe we should overreact and just say that Dustin Pedroia is morphing into Boston's Pete Rose.

Maybe we shouldn't.

Vince Carter is the next Jordan!

That's Pete Rose - without the switch hitting, without the boys' regular haircut, without the betting slips.

Those, but also without the 24-year career and like 4,000 hits. Other than that, they're the same.

Pedroia has emerged as a second baseman who can get 200 hits and win a batting title. Like Pete Rose.

It makes no sense. Pedroia lives in a body that would get sand kicked in his face at Nantasket Beach. The press guide says he's 5 feet 9 inches, but that's a lie.

I hate the "the press guide says X, but that's a lie" line. What advantage does the press guide gain from lying? And it's always about little guys being smaller. It's never "he's listed as 6'10", but he's really 9'4".

I command you, Dan Shaugnessy, to prove to me that Pedroia is not 5'9" and is indeed 4'2".

Everything about him flies in the face of everything we thought we knew. Count me among those who believed Pedroia would not be able to succeed at the big league level. Now I'm beginning to think he might be the greatest hitter in the history of baseball.

As ridiculous as that last line is, it has to be a joke because a Seinfeld reference follows. If it is indeed not a joke, I think I see the time/space continuum ripping in my living room.

Theo Epstein and his minions get tons of credit on this one. Not many organizations would have taken a chance on such an unusual prospect.

Now we're getting into "tiny white player defies the odds" archetype here. My favorite!

"No one gave him a chance. Look at him, he's short! We all know good hitting correlates to height! He'll never make it!"

The whole baseball world sees it now. Dustin Pedroia: the new Pete Rose.

If this article were an internet forum, this would be flamebait and Shaugnessy would be a troll. I think he wrote this just to get hate mail.

Let's hope the Globe drops the banhammer on him.

Now for something completely different

How about making fun of an asinine article about the console wars?

THE ULTIMATE PROOF SONY IS WINNING

OK, I'll bite. There is absolutely no way Mrs. Wells can prove this. None. The only argument one can make for who is "winning" (after a little more than a year, which is moronic) is Nintendo (pure sales) and/or Microsoft (absurd amount of money they make online). That's it. Sure, Sony has a really, really good chance to win when all is said and done, but right now, they're in third.

Forget the analysts.

No.

Forget the NPD sales figures.

No.

Forget the CEO’s.

Alright, I'll forget them, because they'll probably lie.

I live with the ultimate expert on the video game industry—my 16-year-old son.

Oh dear God.

Unless little Jimmy Wells owns all three major consoles, every handheld, a high-end PC, subscribes to every gaming publication, religiously reads video game blogs and has access to economic studies and sales figures, I fucking doubt it.

Oh, he does? Let's hear it then!

He not only plays video games,

What?!

he watches every show about them on G4, he participates in chat rooms about them on the internet, he competes in a variety of games on a variety of platforms.

Funny, I do too. Does that make me an expert? Yes? Awesome. PS3 SUXORZ!!!11!!!111!

He always tells me the latest trend three months before I read about it in the media.

This sounds impressive, but the mainstream media is generally way behind on things people actually enjoy, so this is no surprise. I still see features on the Nintendo Wii and how old people/girls/people with diseases love it and how it's "motion controller is so great because it gets you off the couch, you fat pig!"

But he’s never been a PlayStation fan. Sure, he had a PS1, but as soon as the Xbox came out, it was game over.

So that whole "variety of platforms" thing was kind of, oh, I don't know, a lie?

He loved the Xbox graphics, and once he was old enough to play “Halo,”

Always old enough. Funny, "Halo" is rated M for Mature by the ESRB. That means 17+. For shame!

he loved the games. He graduated to the Xbox 360, Xbox Live, “Gears of War,” etc. He even hung in there during the overheating Xbox “red ring of death” phase. Other than a two-year detour/obsession playing “World of Warcraft” on his computer, he has always been an Xbox fanboy. Sony just didn’t have great games.

What. The. Fuck.

Sony didn't have great games? The PS2 is regarded as one of the best systems ever. Exhibit A: They still make games for it!

Some exclusives (and their gamerankings.com aggregate review scores) the PS2 had that I am sure Mrs. Wells, nor her FPS-loving, idiot son has ever heard of: Final Fantasy X (91.4), XI (85.2, but that was a dumb MMO), XII (91.0), Metal Gears 2 (94.8) and 3 (91.4), God of War 1 (93.2) and 2 (92.5), Okami (92.7), Shadow of the Colossus (91.5), Ratchet and Clank: Up Your Arsenal (91.5) and Going Commando (90.5) and plenty others.

Now the Xbox did have some awesome exclusives - including the aformentioned Halo and it's sequel, Ninja Gaiden 1 & 2, and the Splinter Cell series - but the sheer numbers support the PS2. Of the top 50 reviewed games, Sony's machine has a whooping 45 with a 90 percent or better. The Xbox: 22 out of 50.

The PS2 did have a year on the Xbox, but it's really not a discussion as to what system was better.

Last week he recorded all of G4’s E3 coverage so he could watch it after work (he’s got a summer job to save money to buy gas and videogames, in that order). He was very excited after Microsoft had its news conference. “You can stream Netflix movies onto the Xbox 360!” he exclaimed.

Then he must know you can do roughly the same thing on the PS3 as well!

Then he watched the Sony press conference, and the world as we know it changed.

A little overdramatic (does she work for Sony?), but whatever.

After hearing about “Metal Gear Solid 4”,

Over a month after it had been released. Way to stay on top of trends, Jimmy.

Update: After reading one of the e-mails (from presumably smart gamers) that brings up this same point, Wells responds with this:

Note from Jane: he knew about the game, he just wasn't sold on buying it... as for proof of Sony winning, here's part of an AP report from last week: "Sony Corp.'s PlayStation 3 bested Microsoft Corp.'s Xbox 360 console in June. The PS3 sold 405,500 units compared with just 219,800 for the Xbox 360. The higher PS3 sales were fueled by the launch of the highly anticipated 'Metal Gear Solid 4,' which is available exclusively for Sony's console. The game sold 774,600 copies, not including those bundled with the PS3."

Maybe if he had a PS2 and had played the Metal Gear series, he would have been sold on it. But he just heard that it's "awesome" and needed to buy it to be cool, even though he never played the series before and won't understand 99 percent of what's going on story-wise. But there is shooting!

And so much for "forget the NPD sales figures." For one month. Directly correlated with the release of an ace title. Hypocrite.

as well as other PlayStation exclusives in the pipeline and the awesomeness of Blu-ray, he promptly packed up his Xbox 360 and all his games and went down to Game Stop to trade them in. He bought a PS3 and “Metal Gear Solid 4.” I had to be there to approve the purchase of the M-rated game since he’s not yet 17,

Good parenting Mrs. Let Your Son Play Multiple M-Rated Games Online With Strangers Who Swear Like Sailors And Are Racist/Bigots/Douchebags.

and I was surprised at how rapturous the Game Stop employees were about Sony. They then sold him a USED copy of “Metal Gear Solid 4.”

Because that's how they steal money.

“How can the game already be used?” my son asked. “Because some people get frustrated if they don’t have ‘cheats’,” he was told.

He was lied to then. There's a little site called GameFAQS.com that provides detailed walkthroughs and "cheats" for even the newest games. Jimmy may want to get on that trend so he can stop getting tea-bagged in Halo 3.

I bet someone just stayed up all night and beat the game, then returned for their $20 and cried themselves to sleep for feeding the pirates that are the Gamestop conglomorate. But that doesn't sound as cool as "they didn't have the 'cheats.'" And they'd probably get fired.

But the cashier assured him that the game “was just as good as new.” My son asked, “How can that be?” “Because PlayStation players are ninjas!” was the response.

Mr. Game Stop employee thought "If this dumbass bought that cheat line, he's gotta buy this." But not so fast!

I’m happy to say my son didn’t accept this answer. Perhaps that’s because he’s now spending his own hard-earned money to purchase these games. He said, “Seriously, how does that work?” And the Game Stop fanboys

Wells' definition of fanboy is somewhat muddled. In this usage, the employees at Game Stop are fanboys of Game Stop, i.e. they defend it to the death and berate other game retailers - of which there are few/none.

explained that Sony now has a special coating on Blu-ray game discs which makes them virtually scratch-proof. We shall see.

I have never heard this. My guess: Another lie to innocent little Jimmy.

As we left the store, I said to him, “I never thought I’d see you with a PlayStation.” “Neither did I,” he replied.

As the article ended, I said to myself, "I never thought I'd see an article so dumb about video games." "Neither did I," myself replied.

And the rich get whinier

It's amazing what a sweep will do to the psyche of the fragile Boston media.

"We were swept by the West leaders and a team with one of the best records in baseball. Two of the games were two-run affairs! The sky is falling! The Rays are going to win 110 games! The Yankees will catch up!"

And to complete the fear-mongering, trade demands!

Well, I'm convinced. The Red Sox aren't winning anything of consequence with this bullpen as currently constituted.

The Red Sox suck. Fuck the number: two team in MLB in OBP and slugging, eight in homers, three in runs, five in quality starts, 11 in WHIP and six in strikeouts. Those bums with a +87 run differential and the fourth best record in baseball.

I'm sure you're all too familiar with the flammable culprits in this 'pen-wide tribute to Heathcliff Slocumb. But I'm still fuming in the aftermath of tonight's loss, so what the heck, let's point some fingers:

Papelbon - 178 ERA+, 51K/7BB, 0.96 WHIP
Aarsdma - 158 ERA+, 41K/26BB, 1.40 WHIP
Okajima - 154 ERA+, 37K/16BB, 1.41 WHIP
Delcarmen - 93 ERA+, 40K/16BB, 1.30 WHIP
Lopez - 151 ERA+, 21K/16BB, 1.46 WHIP

The WHIPs kind of stink, but those ERA+s are pretty nasty (- Manny being Manny). And you have three guys with a better than 2:1 K/BB ratio and who have given you nearly 40 innings at the break.

Summary: shut the hell up.

You have one of the top three closers in baseball and some guys in the pen who are throwing decent to pretty good seasons together.

Then again, David Murphy for Eric Gagne turned out awesome.

Three seasons into his big-league career, Manny Delcarmen still gets the Schiraldi Eyes in big situations;

What?

he simply cannot be trusted in a tight game, a damning indictment of a pitcher with his ability. But I'm sure he'd put up sick numbers as a Washington National.

Oh, those Schiraldi Eyes. The not-stepping-up-to-the-moment eyes.

Being a reliever sucks 99 percent of the time. You are asked to come into runners on situations and expected to succeed every, single time. When you don't, people like Chad Finn want to run you out of town.

Delcarmen also has 13 holds (remember those? They're like saves ((re: they are)) but not as sexy) and a nasty K/BB ratio. I am sure a host of MLB teams wouldn't mind having his Schiraldi Eyes in their pen.

Chances are the help will have to come from outside the organization, which brings me to this piece by CNN/SI's Jon Heyman and a compelling thought:

Maybe the Sox should pursue Oakland closer Huston Street.

Solution to "bullpen woes?" Get another closer! From Billy Beane, nonetheless. Who's notorious for pumping up a closer's value.

The Phillies also just got hornswoggled by Beane in the Joe Blanton deal. Beane is stockpiling a ludicrous amount of young talent and I wouldn't expect him to ask for anything less for Street.

Also, Gagne.

If this is true, the Angels minor league system is awful

Whilst watching the Red Sox/Angels on Fox this afternoon, the announcers (whose names I cannot/don't care to find) were talking about the glory that is the sac bunt - a move so difficult, so useful to a baseball team, that only the whitest, least talented players on a team are entrusted to perform it.

Apparently (and I am paraphrasing here), in the Angels minor league system hitters are required - nay mandated - to perform a set number of sac bunts, hit and runs and other stupid shit that doesn't really help win games.

If that is true the Angels organization is stupid.

Let's say you're Angels AAA hitter Matt Brown. You have 20 homers, 28 doubles and a 0.978 OPS this season in AAA. By most measures you are a pretty badass hitter. If it is the Angels doctrine to force this young man to bunt say, 10 times (is it 10? 50? 100? times Sciocicisossa? I need to know how truly shitty your minor league system is!) in the minors, what in God's name does this do to help him get to the big leagues?

Let's say he projects to be a middle of the lineup hitter someday. Are those 25 ugily executed sac bunts going to do ANYTHING for his resume?

*A GM and his scout sit at table discussing a trade*

Scout: "What about asking for that kid, Brown?"
GM: "Nice power, alright K/BB ratio. Looks good to me."
Scout: "Don't forget, he sac bunted 10 times!"
GM: "Thank God! I really want my future 3-6 hitters to know how to bunt, ya know, just in case...

"You're fired."

Even better, Brown has one sacrifice (and two sac flies, but those are at least useful) in 740 AAA at-bats. So I bet said Fox announcers/Scioscia are wrong/lying.

Bob Ryan's gut is omniscient

In a prime example of a long-tenured sportswriter doing whatever the fuck he wants, Bob Ryan of the Boston Globe is emptying out his brain all over the paper - which is just a bullet list of random crap that he thinks. Sounds awesome!

The New Orleans Hornets should know that in James Posey they are getting a pure mercenary, totally devoid of sentiment. But he has walked the championship walk in both Miami and Boston, and we will tell them what Pat Riley told us: You will like him in the regular season and you will love him in the money games. Never before has a 7-point-per-game man been so sought after.

Unfortunately for the lone purveyor of slick backed hair and Mr. Ryan, they actually measure clutch stats for hoops. Cat's out of the bag now!

Posey in the clutch as defined by 82games.com:
Per 48 minutes - 14.8 points (I got tired of counting how far down on the list that was)/0.353% FG/0.357% 3PFG%

Let me sigh a huge, Texas-sized meh. For some perspective, former Celtic and current nobody, Ryan Gomes puts up 19.9/48 minutes in the clutch. Oh, and LeBron drops 56.

I'll let Ryan define "money games," in which I am sure Posey scores like 80 points/48 minutes.

I don't know what to call the stat (RPB: runs per base?),

Bunk per junk stat?

but I'm here to tell you that few regulars in baseball score runs a higher percentage of the time they get on base than Jacoby Ellsbury, who has scored 60 runs on 121 total bases. The only regulars who are in his league are Toronto's Marco Scutaro (41 runs, 92 TB) and Milwaukee's Rickie Weeks (58 runs, 110 TB). Then there's the fascinating Willy Taveras (Colorado), who has scored 41 runs on 88 total bases with an OBP of .296.

Funny thing is Scutaro and Weeks both kind of stink while Taveras is terrible. That's some whack company. And that stat is more teammate reliant than RBIs, which are also kind of silly.

We can manipulate numbers all we want, but in the end, it's a gut call when deciding if someone should be a baseball Hall of Famer. So, yes, Curt, you have my vote. You're a vital part of late 20th- and early 21st-century baseball history.

Caveman say ugh.

Good to know one of the most important sportswriters for the Globe goes with his gut when deciding HOFers.

"What about Greg Maddux, Bob?"
"I just had a chilli dog, my gut says no."

All-Star Game re-named "Mo Rivera Invitational"

The All-Star game was last night/this morning and I really wanted it to be a tie, just to see the mayhem that would have ensued. But alas, there was no rioting in the Big Apple.

If there's two things I was sure I would read today they would be a) What a game! and b) The Yankees are great. And the NY Post sure delivered - a brand of crazy nepotism, that is.

IT'S MO'S WORLD
Rivera shines; Pap, Billy, wilt

Right off the bat I know this is going to be great. Let's go through the "Terrible article headline checklist" to see just how great:

Bashing rivals? Check.
Exaggeration? Check.
Finding the one local player who performed alright? Check.
Semicolon? Check.
Pun? Sadly, no.

From that headline I would assume Rivera struck out like five guys, including the best hitters on the NL squad, and maybe pitched two+ innings to get the save. Stay tuned to see if that's true!

The hero arrived at 11:27 p.m. to a rolling wave of camera flashes, the familiar chords of Enter Sandman and chants of "Mariano, Mariano."

And the game tied 3-3, insuring he would not get the save.

Mo Rivera showed up late, which was better than never. He earned a distinct save -

The kind that isn't a save.

for rescuing an otherwise rather drab All-Star Game. His looming presence brought context to an event that badly hungered for electricity.

This is just wrong. The All-Star Game was actually pretty damn exciting from like the seventh, on.

The NL took the lead in the eighth - the inning after JD Drew hit a two-run homer - on a sac fly. Then Tampa Bay rookie and rising star Evan Longoria tied the game in the bottom of the eighth with a double. Then they went like six more innings of plays at the plate, double plays, and Dan Uggla errors.

Pretty exciting to me.

But what will last longest now is a new level of hostility in The Rivalry.

Capitalized for life-and-fucking-death seriousness.

Because over the course of two days, Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon turned himself into the current-day John Rocker in New York.

Excuse me whilst I drop some internets lingo here: WTFROFLBBQ!

To recap: Rocker, an insane racist, said this about the fine people of NYC:

"[About riding the subway] next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing."

While Papelbon, slightly kooky closer for the Red Sox, said this:

"I'm making a statement right now, saying I don't want it, I want [Rivera] to have it. I said all that earlier, but that's the way I feel about it," Papelbon said.

Sherman say: Papelbon = Rocker.

Hawhat?

This time he did not insult the city. He dissed an institution named Rivera by suggesting he, Papelbon, should pitch the ninth inning in an All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium rather than the guy who has forged the greatest closing career in history, mainly in this building.

Blasphemer! Doth he not know Mariano Rivera is The Closer of This Game?

Papelbon is a young, goofy, country bumpkin kind of dude. He was probably out of place showing the confidence he needs to be a closer when speaking about MARIANO RIVERA, but hey, he made it right at the end. See above.

Oh, and this: "I feel like I needed to be in a bullet-proof car," Papelbon said, according to the Web site. "My wife is pregnant and she's getting her life threatened. It's stupid."

You fuck with Rivera, you get the horns. Make your move Mrs. Papelbon...

He would have been better ripping the Statue of Liberty because all she has done with her right arm is hold up a torch,

That, and being an iconic representation of freedom and, to an extent, the entire fucking country.

which is not quite as impressive to the pinstriped section of town as what Rivera has down with his right arm.

Ya hear that Lady Liberty? Learn to throw a splittah, ya half-ass!

So when Papelbon joined the proceedings in the eighth inning he was not exactly doused with rose petals.

You're kidding. No really, I want evidence of this alleged "booing" from Yankee "fans" at the "All-Star Game."

He not only heard boos, but chants of Rivera's name and hoots of "Overrated." It brought a thrill to the crowd when he gave up the go-ahead

Unearned. You forgot about unearned!!!!

Dear NY Post editor,

I know you're busy looking for photos of A-rod coming out of a midget transvestite strip club or trying to get some manager fired, but I would just like to inform you of a mistake in Joel Sherman's "Mo's World" article.

Papelbon's run was unearned, a.k.a. not his fault.

Thanks for the correction you'll run with my name on it and good luck finding Maddona/A-rod pics!

Love, Jason Cook.

run to the NL. We can only assume it brought the kind of irritation to the Red Sox and their Nation that will make Boston-New York bubble anew when The Rivalry resumes next week at Fenway.

Actually, as a card-carryin, pink hat wearing, Rem-dawg loving member of RSN (what all of us call it), I couldn't have give less of a shit.

It was unearned. It's the All-Star Game. Who the hell cares? A NY writer trying to exact some revenge for being six games out of first and stoke a rivalry so he can get easy article material?

And in perhaps the last big event at the closing Yankee Stadium,

Cause God knows there ain't gonna be no playoff games there, amirite?!

there was a sweet touch for the 55,000 plus that the closers of the New York Yankees Yankees' two archrivals - the Red Sox and Mets - would wilt.

A-rod did jack. Jeter's best moment was giving jerseys to fans behind the dugout and leaving three guys on base. So yeah, there wasn't anything else they could celebrate. At least our enemies "failed!" In an exhibition game! That doesn't matter anyway, because the AL won!

It was all made sweeter when Rivera again offered his unflappable genius.

Unflappable genius, tag me.

He came on with one on and one out in the ninth inning, and struck out St. Louis' Ryan Ludwick and Cristian Guzman was pegged out trying to steal for an inning-ending double play.

So he K'ed a dude with 73 strikeouts this half of the season and did nothing to get the last out. Great job!

Rivera retreated to a dugout of All-Star high fives and fan love, but his work was not done.

He put runners on first and third with one out in the 10th.

What? The official scorer must have been high, Mo never gives up hits.

He was on the brink of reducing the sting slightly on Papelbon and Wagner - both big arms with feet in their mouth [sic]. But this is Mariano Rivera. He always is bigger than the biggest moment.

Shouldn't that be "mouths"?

So Rivera induced an inning-ending double play from Dan Uggla. Another standing ovation.

Who went 0-4 with three K's and has faced Rivera all of zero times in his career.

Rivera was long gone when more dull play reigned. This is what happens when the hero leaves.

Dull play =

- Bases loaded in the tenth for the AL, Carlos Quentin cut down at home by Christian Guzman, who has never played third.

- Dioner Navarro (not) thrown out at home in the eleventh trying to score from second.

- NL gets bases loaded in the twelfth off IBB to Tejada. Uggla and Adrian Gonzalez K to end the inning.

- Michael Young sac fly that resulted in a close play at the plate.

If it wasn't for Mariano "1-2/3 innings" Rivera, this game would have been awful.

Josh Hamilton avoids Derby winner curse, laughs at Justin Morneau

Last night's Home Run Derby was another chapter in coming out party of Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers. After overcoming drug addiction (not immediately, a while ago), he belted 28 homers in one round - a Derby record.

But the night was not fully Hamilton's, as evil Justin Morneau of the Minnesota Twins stole the trophy from him.

There is justice in this world though, as the Curse of the Home Run Derby Winner is alive and well. And it seems Hamilton knew it.

"What do you think I'm dumb?" Hamilton said regarding the curse. "I beat heroin. I am not about to fight against a curse."

Indeed it's been proven that the Derby winner suffers mightily after the All Star Break - presumably from expending too much energy in the exhibition.

Sports scientist and baseball swing doctor, Dr. Sherman Washington, says he can see how it affects the players. "Look," Washington says as we watch tape of last years Derby, "That swing is clearly tiring him, he's grunting."

Even though hitters take millions of swings and hours of batting practice - during which many try to hit as many bombs as possible - the Derby has a strange evergy sapping effect on players in the second half of the season.

Yankees outfielder Bobby Abreu knows this all too well. "My swing, it got f*cked up. Real bad." Abreu won the Derby in 2005, hitting a whopping 41 homers in the event. He went on to hit six homers in the second half, as opposed to 18 he hit in the first half.

When asked if this could have been match-ups, simple fatigue, pitchers catching up to him, or a laundry list of other possible, more likely reasons for his poor second half, Abreu scoffed.

"Don't give me all that mumbo jumbo," Abreu said as he rubbed a rabbit's foot and stared at his four leaf clover. "It's a curse and everyone knows it."

*****

"I'm not going to say I 'threw' the derby," Hamilton said after placing second. "But I mean it was in the back of mind like 'Do I really want to screw this season up?' Have you seen my numbers?"

He added, "You might as well have asked me to run a 100-meter dash under 50 ladders while holding a black cat under each arm and smashing a mirror with my forehead every 10 meters."

When asked about the curse Morneau just laughed. "Do you know the first/second half HR splits of last year's winner, Vlad Guerrero? It's 14/13. What about Ryan Howard's in '06? That's 28/30. Curse my ass."

Despite recent evidence, Morneau does play for the Twins, so his opinion is fairly irrelevant.

Update: Morneau has been dropped from 537,587 fantasy teams today alone, further proving he's wrong.

Tampa mystery success strategy revealed! Hint: It's Moneyball

Everytime I thought I stumbled upon a juicy "All-Star Snubs" or "Mid-season Awards" article - rife with innaccuracy and tomfoolery - I was appalled to find none. So someone had to be the fall guy. That guy is the John Romano.

I do feel happy for Tampa Bay sports writers - they actually have stuff to write about now. But this one is ... well I don't want to accuse anyone of anything (yet), so you decide.

Just how did the Tampa Bay Rays go from one of the least successful franchises in history to sitting atop baseball's richest division a day before the All-Star break?

Drafting number one for a decade straight?

You know the roster. You know the payroll figures, and you know the competition. You know who, what, where, when and why. You know most everything there is to know, except for this one inexplicable thing.

In heaven's name, how? How did they do it?

I aim to shatter the record for re-phrasing one sentence.

The draft. Number one-ish for like ten years.

The Rays management team approached this thing like the Wall Street investors they once were. They asked a lot of questions, gathered a lot of information and found value where others failed to look.

I haven't read it in a while, but this sounds eerily similar to a line in Moneyball.

When you ask owner Stuart Sternberg to explain the team's philosophy, he politely suggests you're a moron.

"We all want to take something complicated and boil it down to a single concept or phrase or word," he says.

Well, okay, no pithy catchphrase. And there goes your shot at coining a new word like Moneyball.

I think it's because *spoiler alert!!* this pretty much is Moneyball.

It is based not so much on a single theory that must be followed at all costs but rather a handful of precepts the Rays have decided are useful. Lessons learned on Wall Street that have been refined and adapted to baseball.

OK, I am no college English professor here, but my plagiarism sense is tingling. At the very least my mis-representation of a unique idea sense.

• Information is king. Not just numbers — although the Rays hired a programmer to create their own database for high-end statistics — but scouts and others not afraid to offer input or ask questions and higher-ups willing to listen.

• Value vs. cost. The Rays cannot keep up with Boston or New York economically, so they have to separate themselves in other ways. This means getting value in assets that may not be as highly regarded. For instance, instead of making one big splash in free agency, finding several undervalued players (Eric Hinske, Cliff Floyd, Troy Percival) who fit precise roles that need to be filled.

Replace "Rays" with "A's" and this is Moneyball. Maybe I should call Micheal Smith...

Or a shortstop with more range than Derek Jeter

So slightly more than "crappy?"

but $19.5-million a year cheaper.

With a .592 OPS - which is 193 out of 198 players with 250 plate appearances. A.K.A. - fucking awful.

• Emotional detachment. This means not falling in love with a player. Not worrying what critics might say. It may even mean refusing to give up prospects at the trading deadline even when your offense has gone in the pooper and Boston is breathing down your neck.

Ho. Ly. Po. Op. This is Moneyball. Is Smith actually the writer of this article? Beane gets speared for trades initially, only later people are like "We're dumb." Most recently with Dan Haren - first trading for him and then trading him away. Suddenly this is an axiom of the Tampa Bay "Don't Call Me Devil" Rays?

Maybe there really is an identifiable philosophy here. A merging of Dow Jones and Branch Rickey.

Could this be the beginning of Ball Street?

Ohhhhh. This is not Moneyball. This is Ball Street. Let's look at some of the tenets of each:

Moneyball: Target cheap, undervalued players that other teams may have overlooked. Make trades dumb people think are dumb.

Ball Street: Target cheap, undervalued players that other teams may have overlooked. Make trades dumb people think are dumb. Pay Jason Bartlett to post a sub-.600 OPS.

You don't find too many 21-year-olds driving in 90 runs, so Young had an obvious appeal. But the Rays value hitters with a high on-base percentage and hitters who take opposing pitchers deep in the count — that was not Young.

High OBP and taking pitchers deep in the count? Fuckin' Ball Street, son.

Once more:

Moneyball - Draft well, value high OBP/working counts, make trades regardless of talking heads, fill gaps with cheap players, be cheap but smart, young players are cheap, cheap - be it.

Not-Moneyball - Draft well, value high OBP/working counts, make trades regardless of talking heads, fill gaps with cheap players, be cheap but smart, young players are cheap, cheap - be it. Jason Bartlett is the man.

Nothing to see here.

My best guess? Romano knows and understands Moneyball, like most intelligent baseball people. I bet the Rays owner does too - owning a small market team, I hope he's read it. But to write this "Look at this kickass philosophy I invented!" when it's actually an exisiting one, is kinda shady. Just sayin.

Name drop Smith and Moneyball more than off-handedly and this snarky post never gets written. We cool Romano?

Favre slobberknockery, commence!

I know it's not the right word, but I already used slobber-fest and this just sounds so right.

You've heard this song before: Favre ain't done! That salt and pepper bearded, blue jean wearin, gunslinging, playing like a big ol' kid Brett Favre is back (maybe)(probably?).

Wojo, make me crazy.

Did Green Bay Packers management get dropped on its head as an infant? Tumble down a long row of Lambeau Field concrete steps? Suffer a series of second-degree concussions?

I don't know, they seem to be doing a pretty good job to me.

If not, there needs to be a shareholders meeting of the only fan-owned team in the NFL. Somebody needs to ask general manager Ted Thompson why he's gone underground on this Brett Favre un-retirement thing.

I am going to go out on a really thin limb here: He's seen it like six times before. I can't blame him for not lifting a finger on the Favre who cried "retired."

So far, the Packers' PR department has issued a "The Packers have no reaction." And Thompson, who wouldn't interrupt his vacation to comment,

Dick.

has been as useful as a grand piano in a marching band. But, of course, his silence says everything.

They're sick of this jerking around?

Thompson doesn't want Favre back. Not now. Not after Favre's official "It's over" announcement. ... And not after Thompson dropped Favre from the 80-man roster and then drafted two other quarterbacks.

It all makes sense until you ask a simple, essential question: "Is my team better or worse with Brett Favre at quarterback?"

I have to think it's infinitely more complex than that. How about...

Are we going to let Favre essentially run this team, again?
How much does he have left?
How much more will he cost over Rodgers?
Will the fans riot if we don't bring him back?
How tall will the statue of Favre be outside of Lambeau? 100 feet? 200?

And a million other things.

That's it. Nothing else should matter. Thompson's job is to construct the best possible Packers roster. And if he thinks Rodgers is better than Favre, then Thompson needs to submit his resignation yesterday.

I don't think anyone with what we like to call a "brain" thinks that Rodgers is better than Favre (but really, who knows, we haven't seen him play much). But running a team is way more complicated than "constructing the best possible roster." What about longevity or building for the future?

If I constructed a roster made entirely of 80-year-olds (who are good enough), while cutting cheap, young talent, am I doing my job? If so, the nursing home kickball team (the Bluehair Bombers) I assembled who went 10-0 should get me a job running the Arizona Cardinals.

Favre's agent, Bus Cook, called this scenario more than four months ago. He told ESPN's Chris Mortensen that Thompson did "nothing" to encourage Favre to continue playing.

That could mean two things: Thompson respected Favre's decision,

Dubious, as Wojo knows Thompson is an asshole.

or Thompson wanted to staple gun Favre's name to the NFL retirement list. I'm going with the staple gun plot.

Ohhhh, the staple gun plot. Is this like the JFK assassination plot? The staple was angled down, and to the left.

When it comes to football, Favre is a grown kid.

Ugh.

He played like a kid.

Ugh.

He retired like a kid,

Ugh. Although he did retire like a kid, changing his mind constantly and leaving the team that deified him hanging out to dry on more than one occasion.

all gooey,

Ew.

tearful and conflicted. He said he was retired, "but I know I can still play."

And daggummit, Favre's word is gospel.

So the Packers closed the book on the Favre era, even though they should have known better.

They should have known Favre lies. A lot.

Thompson ought to be in Hattiesburg, Miss., right now, asking ... no, begging Favre to return. Whatever it takes -- ride shotgun on Favre's tractor, wear Wrangler jeans, spring for the worms at the local bait and tackle store -- Thompson should do it.

This is what Wojo (and 99 percent of sportswriters) wish they could do. Hang with Favre, drink a brew, pet his dog, go fishin - do all sortsa "guy stuff." No homo.

This can't be about agendas, egos, strategic plans, salary caps or Rodgers.

Can't be, won't be. This is about Thompson being a dick. I think Thompson must have killed Wojo's cat (named Brettfavrenumberfourlambeaufieldvincelombardi) at some point.

And anyway, if the Packers are so thrilled with Rodgers' potential, why exactly did they draft Brian Brohm in the second round and Matt Flynn in the seventh?

Maybe because Favre has been blocking Rodgers for like a decade and they have no idea what they have? Insurance policies - seems like a good move from such a stupid-ass Favre-hating GM like Thompson.

Favre is a living, breathing soap opera, but in a good way. We all know this. He's playing ... he's retiring. Playing ... retiring. What else is new? He waffles. But when you're just 38, and you can still throw the ball through sheet metal, and your team is good enough to make a long playoff run, well, waffling is an acceptable emotion. He was weary in March, now he's not. It happens.

This paragraph sums up a lot of what I hate about modern sports writing: hypocrisy. Why oh why does Favre get a pass for "waffling" when guys like Manny Ramirez (and pretty much every NBA player) get blasted for pursuing trades and/or changing their minds?

Is it the rugged good looks? The country twang in his voice? The all-time INT record?

Wait, I got it. The whiteness. It's the whiteness.

The only NFL quarterbacks better than Favre right now are: Tom Brady. Peyton Manning. And, uh ...

This post is already Homerian in it's epic-ness, but this is where it goes off the deep end.

Before we just had a string of anecdotes and GM headhunting. Now, we have total ignorance of "numbers" and "common sense."

List of QBs who started more than eight games I wouldn't want over of Favre:
Kitna (mostly because of the Jesus thing)
Frerotte (eight starts for an injured Marc Bulger)
Huard

That's it. And you know why? Every other starting QB is really good, not 38 years of age or some balance of the two. Seriously, give me a 26-year-old Matt Schaub over a 38-year-old Favre every day of the week.

See what I mean? There are 32 teams, and Brady and Manning are the only two QBs you can absolutely, positively say are superior to Favre. And just to be polite, I'll add Ben Roethlisberger, Carson Palmer, Donovan McNabb, Matt Hasselbeck, Drew Brees and David Garrard to the mix. That's eight. Maybe.

You're so polite, hinting at a GM being incompetent, calling for his resignation.

Look, Michael Jordan retired three times before it stuck. It didn't make him any less of a legend, any less of a Chicago Bulls icon.

Actually, he certainly could have won more titles if he didn't retire.

His career was defined by what he did in that uniform, not by what he did with the Birmingham Barons or Washington Wizards.

Maybe my memory is going, but yeah, this did kind of did diminish his career. Best basketball player ever? Undoubtedly. But people will always talk about the baseball, the Wizards and the train wreck that is the Charlotte Bobcats.

The Packers' training camp begins July 28. Between now and then, Thompson needs to understand there are worse things than having Favre as Green Bay's starting quarterback.

Like, not having Favre as Green Bay's starting quarterback.

There are worse things for sportswriters than not having Favre to write about.

No. No there's not.